The crap I shall spew today.

This is where all the extraneous crap ends up.  When I've spent time on my other blogs and attempted to focus on specifics, what I'm left with is the need to just get stuff off my chest, even if it makes absolutely NO sense whatsoever.  Aren't you glad you're here to witness that?

More than a few times lately I just wanted to distance myself from almost everyone.  I don't need fair-weather friends or relatives (kids, etc. excluded) because I'm sick of trying to edit what I think or say or feel or whatever---to ensure the comfort of someone else.  If you don't like what I have to say, if you don't agree with my beliefs or opinions, if you have nothing at all good to bring to the table, if you're intolerant and closed-minded then just don't come to the table.  It's not rocket science, I promise.

*sigh*

Just speak your mind, and if it's opposing views, just use respect and courtesy.  That's all.  Nothing fancy.  Respect and courtesy go a long way, especially with me.  It's okay if you don't agree with me, just be respectful when disagreeing.

Good grief what a day.  Some people simply suck at communication.

smh.

The Non-Attractive Art of Half-Assing Life.

I'm here.  I thought I would have to lay down and shut down for a while like I did yesterday (boy, was that something).  It's funny how anxiety can over-stimulate and shut one down in a brief time, and at this time I'm waiting for the shut-down part.  Honestly, I was gearing up for just a minor reboot, something I can achieve at times with just laying down and listening to some music for a bit.  However, that was quickly kicked to the curb by finding yet something else T had 'half-assed.'  Trust me, if he were a superhero like Spiderman, 'Half-assing' would definitely be his Spidey Power.

My mom, like most parents I believe, taught me "Anything worth doing is worth doing right."  Even as a child this made sense to me, so I usually went an extra step or two in doing most everything.  So how is it that someone my age, who claims his parents taught him manners etc, makes half-assing (among other things) something to strive for?  I just don't get it.

I find myself each day dotting the 'i's and crossing the 't's, things T leaves for me like I'm his mother.  And the worst of the half-assing is when it comes to a blatant lack of appreciation for something he paid money for.  Never mind, for the moment, the truly important things in life he half-asses.  Let's just stick to the material goods that somehow doesn't seem to be important enough to take care of.  And yes, this is VERY much important.

The sunroom here at this new house is really quite lovely, and through the coldest months and days (which aren't over yet) the boxes containing the large, round ottoman, the plastic bags that contained the cushion covers, and the boxes that contained the cushions sat outside and awaiting assembly.  I can certainly understand maybe not wanting to put everything together while it's freezing outside, especially when there's no promise of milder days in which to enjoy sitting outside.  But now that we've had a string of days in the high 60's and even mid 70's I didn't really see any reason to not assemble the patio furniture and make us of the sunroom.  We moved in while it was cold (November), and now it's time to get things put together.

Over the past couple of weeks I've asked T to put the patio furniture together--something that is REALLY easy since there's no real 'assembly' involved except for attaching the  legs to the base of the big ottoman.  The chairs don' t need assembly, and all of the 'work' involved is putting the cushion covers on the cushions; a relatively easy job for anyone who isn't sick.

I didn't get a chance to see what he'd done until a short while ago, and wow... it really looks like a 10yr old put the cushion covers on.  I mean, wow.  To be truthful, it looks awful, right there on the verge of embarrassing.  It's a mess.  When he came into the kitchen to get something to drink I brought it up to him (he's working from home today), and the only thing he said was... "It was kind of hard to...." I guess I'll have to have him bring the cushions indoors so I can fix them myself.  Won't be easy with all the weakness in my arms, etc., but... I'm willing to try so the foam cushions aren't ruined by being bent and twisted inside the covers.

Honestly, I've known very few men in my life that will spend money on something and not care whether it's going to be ruined or not.  In fact, with it comes to patio furniture, outdoor grills, and yard work... most men I've known in my life care enough to take a great deal and take pride in taking care of and maintain those things.  Why does T half-ass everything, including the yard work?  Well, I honestly couldn't tell you.  It's really a huge mystery to me.  I have to light MULTIPLE fires under his ass to get anything done.  I just---don't---get it.

I've begged T to hire someone to do the yard work, even had to beg him to hire a 'handyman' that can help me with some other things around here.  Why?  Because he won't do it himself without WEEKS of prodding (no exaggeration), and that's IF he does it at all.  He won't even finish the yard work when he does do anything out there, which I also don't understand.  It's not a small yard (the back is relatively small), but it's not a giant yard either.  I'm lucky to get him to mow the front yard, much less take care of shrubs, rake leaves, etc.  I just don't know what to do, short of calling around and hiring somebody myself.

This is really, really stressful.  Among all the other things I have to contend with, this is just so so so draining.  I don't trust him, because he lies to me, outright and by omission, and fails miserably to follow-through with whatever task he begins.  Oh, how I wish I wear at least as healthy as I was about 3-4 years ago so I could just do it myself.  I could get it done.  But I can't.  I just can't.

Men constantly complain about women "nagging" them.  Well, in MY situation, it's either nag (in this case BEG) for things to be done OR hire someone else to do it, someone who will not only get the job done but do it right!

I hate to say it, but I'm poised at this point to take it upon myself to hire someone who can come here and do a few odd jobs, someone else to take care of the lawn that's been ignored.  T has made it clear he's incapable, and I just don't have the strength to keep begging and begging.  Shrubs that were supposed to be trimmed in the back yard in December or January are still untrimmed.

I'm the type of person to get things done that need done.  Everything from making my bed every day to sweeping and vacuuming on a daily basis (I have a Basset Hound who sheds), and making sure to dust (I have a bad dust allergy), make sure dishes are washed or in the dishwasher, cleaning the bathrooms on a weekly basis, etc... those things I've always made sure were done.  I don't like living in a nasty home and it becomes a TERRIBLE stressed to face a dirty house, sneezing and running nose with sinus headaches due to too much dust... oh boy, I can't even begin to express how it just wreaks havoc on my peace of mind.

I don't fault anyone for being a messy housekeeper.  It's not my place to tell anyone or judge.  But when it comes to MY personal living space, my home, and my health... I do draw the line.

For the past couple of weeks or so my eyes have been SEVERELY swollen with black circles, very dark black circles under my eyes, and crippling headaches due to allergy flair-ups that OTC Claritin has yet to even touch.  My eyes are red, itchy and sore, and I haven't had a decent night's sleep due to the congestion.  T offered to sweep and vacuum---which takes approximately 7-10 minutes, literally only 7-10 minutes, but he conveniently 'forgets.'  He forgets even when I've gone through a fortune in tissues due to constantly blowing my nose.  I try to sweep what I can, but it's getting where I can't do it anymore... and I need someone's help.  T promises to help, then he breaks his promise.. then wonders why I don't trust him anymore.

I totally understand oversight.  I totally get being too tired, etc.  But what I have issues with is that he promises to do these things then 'conveniently' forgets...for days and days and weeks.

He doesn't understand at all when I tell him I'm not sure how long I can stay here, with him, in this life.  He behaves desperately when I am blunt and tell him that I'm getting sicker here and need to be around people who care about me, people who can help me now and then with things I honestly can't do myself right now.  He says he can do it, that he cares, that he loves me, etc.  And yet I continue to get sicker with problems that can easily be avoided altogether by taking 7-10 minutes out of his day to help.  If he can't or doesn't WANT to help, then he should say so and allow me to get someone who can.  And yes, I've discussed this with him and used those exact words.

I've told T he doesn't HAVE to help me, that he doesn't HAVE to do anything at all.  No one can make him do anything he doesn't want to do, including me, and I have no desire to force him to do anything.  But it doesn't change the fact that I can't breathe, I can't sleep, that my eyes are horribly swollen and painful and somewhat due to my allergies.

Ever seen anyone in the throes of allergies without the benefit of medication?  Yeah, it's a pretty miserable sight.  And what it FEELS like is much worse than what it looks like.  I'm miserable with prednisone and prednisone-withdrawal symptoms, which include swelling in the face and eyes and many other lovely symptoms, so I do NOT need to add allergy symptoms on top of it all.  Prednisone helps inflammation, even that due to allergies.  During withdrawal from Prednisone allergy symptoms can be FAR WORSE than ever before, and that's what's happening now.  I can't let the dust etc. build up throughout the house because it's making things 1,000 times worse.

Yes, I'm upset.  I feel horrible, and much of what's making me feel horrible can be avoided.  Oh well. I guess I just ask too much, huh?

Time to ask around and search for someone who can help around here with household jobs and yard work.  I'm done waiting.... just done.

Dear God, please make me well so I can be strong enough to take my life back... even if it means leaving here....

Outside of Normal.

NOTE: The font is wonky.  Blogger having odd formatting issues today.

Into my third cup of coffee while waiting for the prednisone withdrawal migraine to subside, I'm considering what my life will be like once I obtain "normal," whatever the hell that is.  Normal has been so absent in my life that I'm not even sure I'd recognize it if it slapped me in the face.  Honestly, who ares about 'normal' if you feel good?  Yeah--that's really kind of where I'm going with this.

At night, or during the day when I don't feel well, I lay down to appease the demands of my body and listen to music in hopes of remembering what it was like to feel well, to feel good, to have energy and vitality--to have ANY energy and vitality.  There I am, in pain, discarding hopelessness when possible.  Depression often wins, and it sure as hell tried to win yesterday and last night.  When did I become so susceptible to the whims of drug-induced thinking?  Since Prednisone, that's when.  I know this, and yet it's nearly impossible to distinguish the difference between what I really feel or am experiencing, emotion-wise, and the effects of my body scrambling to handle things without cortisol. People, I promise you, cortisol is absolutely necessary.

What I need at this time is for T to get his shit together and stop looking at what I'm going through as... well, as nothing.  Fat chance of that happening, which means I'm left to my own devices, and I don't have much in the way of devices these days.  My thoughts on this are pretty basic.  When someone is sick, especially THIS sick, it calls for change... even if temporary.  He doesn't change with the circumstances, and it's creating some serious havoc with my emotions and health.  How the flip do I deal with that?  Ugh.  Okay, so I'm really way off track here...

If normal had a job I'd have to say it didn't show up to work today.  Or yesterday.

OMG, seriously... this is too much.

Weak.

It's been a few days, hasn't it?  Tapering off Prednisone is kicking my ass.  I'm so weak, cold, tired, dealing with nausea.  I'm about to go lay down for a bit, cover with a snuggly blanket and try my best to warm up and feel better; I really don't like that this has become my current 'Norm.'  When, oh when, will this start to improve?  When will I be able to re-join the land of the living again?

No answer...

I just can't sit here anymore...

Facebook Should Change its Name to "MemeBook."

I've shared my opinion of Facebook before.  It's no secret that I find most of the so-called interaction there more than just a little shallow.  Now before you get upset, notice I said MOST.  I understand not everyone is a meme junky, and I do know some people who actually do post thoughts, beliefs, experiences, and even what's happening in their lives.  As for me, I honestly grow very bored of the constant stream of memes and re-shared videos and wish people would choose to be REAL there, rather than reactive.

I love animals--absolutely have a soft heart for them.  So when people share funny and cute animal pics and vids I'm all for it.  I also love it when my favorite rescue groups share info.  I don't mind the occasional recipe or news article.  It's not like I want Facebook to just be another Twitter.  But the reason I prefer Twitter to FB is because people actually talk to one another, share a lot more than just making announcements about nothing in particular.

Another thing that can sometimes be annoying is when people post a sea of memes and videos, then out of the blue go on a complete tirade about someone else, or even about themselves.  And hey, I have NO problem with people who go off about something when most of their posts are literally bits and pieces of their lives, their dreams, goals, rants, etc.  But when someone is a 'Memer' and suddenly blasts another person for sharing something real, or blasts another for just being real, I have a huge problem with that.  And once someone does this---it's on!

Look, I love memes... they're fun, and they can get a message across with a flare.  I LOVE memes, especially the funny and sarcastic/rude ones. ;p  But memes aren't my form of communication.  I actually have a mind and voice.  To me, if one is using only memes to communicate what they think, feel, believe, etc... it mostly just comes across like they're fluent in Ransom Note.  Seriously.  My choice is to avoid that if I can... to not communicate in that way.

To each his/her own.  It's okay if you like memes.  It's not my place to tell anyone what to do or not do.  I'm simply making a point about Facebook, because I've grown disenchanted with the site and what it inspires most people to do.  Well, bored is another word I could use to describe how I feel about FB these days.

If you like memes--meme away!  I like them, too, a lot.  But I try to keep in-check how much I rely on memes to actually communicate.  It just seems like common sense to me.

Now, one thing I would suggest is to research what memes are and where the word 'meme' comes from!  I've done this and found the results... very very interesting.  Oh, and memes just aren't little pictures with words on them.  I don't want to give anything away, so if you have time... look up the history and uses of memes.. and learn when they're NOT a good thing. ;)

A Required Miracle.

Finding the strength to not crawl back in bed and disappear each day is becoming more difficult.  Finding anything at all to keep me going each day has become tiresome, monotonous, and a waste of time.  Yes, I realize this is depression talking.  Yes, I know my 'reality' is skewed by depression right now.  Yes, I know I have to not give up.  But is 'giving in' the same thing as 'giving up'?  I'm thinking... no, that it's something very different.  Aside from a miracle where I'm instantly transformed, where my LIFE is transformed, I'm carried with the current of 'what is' and left without the required miracle to turn my current life into something else other than what it is--a disaster.

Yesterday I was pretty shut-down, and today is no better.  Even as I sit here I want SO much to just crawl back in my bed, cover up, and completely disappear.  But disappearing comes with a hefty price, and that price is guilt.  Guilt because I feel like I'm not doing enough as it is and going back to bed, even if I am sick... just feels wrong.  Yeah, I realize that guilt shouldn't be a part of taking care of oneself, but it often is just the same.

I really can't stand feeling like this.  You've NO idea.

I want to feel good, energetic, hopeful, and I want to love my life again.  But how?  How in the world can I actually love THIS?

Crap.  Crap.  Crap.

*sigh*

The O-M-G of L-I-F-E.

My brain isn't work very well today, as there seems to be a possible drug reaction of some kind going on.  Being ON prednisone, or coming OFF prednisone, or even the addition or accumulation of another medication in my system, something else entirely going on; no matter the cause, it MUST be addressed.  Soon.

After calling the after-hours number for my liver specialist I now have an early morning appointment tomorrow to see him to address whatever is going on.  Swelling in my face has progressed to my eyes, and with everything I am I know this isn't normal, not even for Prednisone, which is notorious for causing facial 'roundness' etc.  This is way more than that, causing headache, muscle stiffness, and a few other undesirable symptoms.  I have a very good specialist, btw, and I know he is doing everything he can to help me with the AIH and any drug side effects etc.  I totally trust him as a doctor.

Over the last few days I've had to go back to bed at least twice a day.  It's not like I don't resist the urge and try to keep busy, because I do put it off as long as possible.  Yet there ultimately comes a time when I can't fight the weakness etc. and have to lay down.  It sucks, it really really sucks, but when I reach that point there is absolutely no option.  I'm hoping my appointment tomorrow will shed some light and find a resolution to whatever is going on so I can begin to feel better again.

I would also like to not have the "OMG what now?" thing as a constant, daily occurrence.  I would like to not have my day sliced into tiny sections where I'm just trying to get from one little portion of my day to the next and wondering how I'll manage to keep going.  Relaxing isn't even relaxing anymore, because within a few moments of sitting or laying down I realize that there's nothing at all that is ever comfortable, and all becomes painful at some point.  I mean, WTF?

LIFE is a four-letter word.

Raisins Are Just Grapes That Have Lost Their Will To Live.

Why be a raisin when you can be a grape?  Seriously, the answer's pretty obvious.  Have you ever seen a grape WILLINGLY become a raisin?  EXACTLY!  That freaking grape is going to fight like hell to maintain the status-quo.  You can bet your life on it.

So wtf is that supposed to mean? you ask?....

Absolutely nothing, honey.  Absolutely nothing.

Look, I think it's pretty obvious that all of us have different ways of dealing with bad things that come into our lives.  No reason to be specific, because one person's 'bad thing' is another's 'rush.'  No really, I mean that with the utmost sincerity.  Ever heard of the phrase "The risk is the rush?" Well, many people actually LIVE their lives by that and take every single challenge and turn it into a gladiator tournament of which they very well intend to come out the victor!  I'm just not one of those people.

Hey, I'm honest!  And these days I'm hardly a gladiator.

When things are overwhelming, or if I'm irritated and fed up, well... I indulge in whatever it is I can find to make me laugh.  What else is there other than laughing when things totally suck?  Exactly! So today, that's kind of what I'm heading for.... it is what it is.

On one hand I could be doing something more productive and worthwhile, but not he other hand---Why? ;p Yeah, I do have days like that, trust me.  If I feel down or depressed I can at the very least summon my messed up sense of humor to turn things around.  It doesn't ALWAYS work, but I at least have to try.

Now I will say that when I bother EXPRESSING this, er, sense of humor of mine it's not always so well-received.  I can totally live with that, btw. ;-)  And if I end up offending someone along the way, well, I can't always help that.  People can choose to have a sense of humor, choose to keep going and not read what I post (here or anywhere), or let it all hang out and laugh with me.  Either way, it's not going to change how I approach a difficult day.  If it helps, I'm going to do it.  And yes, yes, yes... I do take others' feelings into consideration.  But seriously... life is just too damn short to take yourself so seriously all of the time.

Live it up, laugh it up, and make the best out of a sometimes shitty situation!

Smells Like BS.

If you've read my other blogs you can probably see me struggling to maintain emotional homeostasis.    I've only just decided to admit, again, that I'm depressed.  I'm not talking about the kind of depression that makes it so you can't function AT ALL, but the kind that knocks you on your ass as you wake up every day and try again and keep going, despite the obstacles.  I wake up and have one absolute goal, and that's to Persefuckingvere!  I mean, what else is there at this point?

I don't need people telling me everything's fine, I'll be okay, they 'understand' (when they absolutely don't).  I don't need canned platitudes and niceties, nor do I need anyone's silence either.  In fact, the silence is probably the greatest unkindness of all.  Wouldn't you agree?  I mean, silence is preferable than the standard BS people love to dish out, but it's harmful in its own way, believe me.

Social networking is fraught with a filtered indifference and disconnection of people, of humanity.  Why say a kind or supportive or compassionate word when you can just find the right meme... or say nothing at all while posting 30 more cat pictures?  Hey, I LOVE animals, have taken in rescues (my basset hound and last living ferret are rescues), but I still know how to maintain my human connections while still loving animals.  But something happens to people when they try to 'connect' through social media; we all see it, feel it, experience it on a daily basis on Facebook, and to a lesser degree on Twitter.

I've deactivated my original FB account a couple of years ago over relationship drama.  And I've since RE-activated that profile but haven't gone in to clean house in order to begin using it again.  I really need to do that, because it's going to be a lot like moving into a better neighborhood when I do.  WHY I ever allowed myself to be bullied to the extent of deactivating my FB account and creating another... isn't completely lost on me, though I wish I had stood my ground at the time.  Oh well.  That was then, this is now, and it's time.

In no way am I looking for 'meaningful connections' on Facebook, and here's why:

Experience has taught me that even the people you know IRL often fall prey to the disconnected mindset that comes with relying too much on social media networks to maintain a friendship or any kind of relationship.  Nowhere else is it more apparent who your friends REALLY are than in the realm of social media.  People don't have your back, ignore important posts and miss pretty much anything in your life that's going on that you find the courage to share.  For some, the drama postings are proliferate as they either rant and rave about someone or some situation, or they take the passive/aggressive approach with cryptic messages and memes.  I call BS on anyone who does this.

Either grow a pair and face me with what you have to say OR STHU already.

And people will post their cryptic messages knowing their 'supporters' will descend to comment and commiserate.  Boy, have I seen this in action before, and it's the main reason I deactivated my original FB account.  It was nauseating to see grown adults behaving like Jr. High school kids.  I was done with the drama, sick of the BS, and was finding myself with waning trust, respect, and love for the person who was doing this.  Even I can take only so much for so long.

Just hoping I will have the strength and energy today to update and 'move in' to my old profile again.

Dealing With Whiners.

Yep, when it's election time, God forbid you should EVER post your views on squishy social network sites like Facebook.  While I know FB has it's place in people's lives, it's become one of those places where people literally turn into robots who post and repost while not really interacting with others or sharing any of their true thoughts or feelings, etc.  People are intimidated by their own feed.  Go figure.

Luckily, FB has an 'un-follow' option.  Though sadly, few people take advantage of this.  For me, I don't really feel the need to unfollow someone if I don't like their posts.  If things are really that bad and annoying.. a good healthy block does the trick nicely.  I guess this is a rarity as well since I possess the ability to scroll past those posts I don't care for.  Yes, there are exceptions, such as passive-aggressive posts aimed at you personally, the kind that makes you wonder why that person can't just have the cojones to block or unfollow.  I'll never understand that whole passive/aggressive thing, to tell you the truth.  It really just looks like a coward's way out.

So I've decided to try something a little different...

When I post anything political, I follow it with a phrase: "Oh, for those who don't like political posts.." and end that phrase with something entirely unimportant, nonsensical, and dull.  When the time comes where someone asks exactly WHY I'm doing that, I will simply tell them it's for people who can't handle anything more than the endless river of memes and selfies and pointless posts about what they ate or their workout routine or new haircut...posts that really say nothing at all, mean nothing at all.  And it's true.  I like the cute animal videos as much as anyone, but if you never have anything real to say at all... what's the point?  To each his/her own, which really IS the point.

You have no idea how many times I scroll endlessly through my feed to find something of substance, something that connects me in some way, ANY way to the person who's posting.  I've found my time on FB has dwindled and mostly from sheer boredom.

Yesterday was the last straw.  I can't stand shallow and pedantic.  And yes, those can co-exist at exactly the same time, and when they do.. it's not in the least amusing.

This is my rant for today.  Do know that if you post selfies and pics of what you ate or any of the things I listed above--that doesn't mean I think it's stupid or irritating.  I post vids and pics and memes etc as well.  Understand that the real irritating part is when that's ALL that's EVER posted IN ADDITION to whining and complaining about others who post something real.. because you're forced to either scroll past or deal with the butthurt you feel when my views differ from your own.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T changes everything.  Respect when a person posts something.  Stop taking things personally when it's not about you---Not everything is about YOU.  And stop posting on the things you don't like while NOT posting on the things you do.  And yes, I know when you like something (duh!), especially when you hit the "Like" button and repost!

The above isn't aimed at anyone in particular, but if you're feelings are stinging about now.. you actually may be one of the guilty.  Just saying...  Give it some thought and look at it from my side.  You just may see yourself differently when you do.

OMG WW, WTF?

So if you saw my post in my "Boo's Juicy Bits" blog, you have a pretty good idea about where on the scale of frustration my meter's stuck at today.  Really.  As captivating as anxiety and stress is, I think I'll pass on that juicy bit today, thanks.  But dammit, the price is just too high, thanks to Weight Watchers and their constantly-changing diet plan--that used to NOT be like a 'diet' at all!  OMG, WW, WTF?!

I'm stepping past that for a moment in an attempt to get my bearings on things.  I'm working against prednisone weight gain here, and dammit if I don't have to PAY WW to be on a plan that makes little sense these days.  Crap, there I go again.  Enough of the WW talk---what do I do now?

Dang, but I'm tired of that question.

Okay, so is it not apparent that the question never changes from day to day?  Of course it is.  And every evening I go to bed convinced that tomorrow I'll approach things very differently, focus on something different in order to find solutions.  And then every morning I wake up to the same feeling of...

FKThisStupidDayandOMGEverythingSucksAndEveryoneSTFUAlreadyOMG!

Now that I have THAT out of my system...

All I want is to feel better, like a normal, healthy human being, to be able to do what I need to do, to work, to thrive, to survive.  Except, that last part is in opposition to all the other things, like working and junk.  I have to take these serious medications in order to survive, and yet I feel like I'm doing anything BUT that.  WTFAS??

Battling the prednisone bulge, water retention that I SWEAR could sink an intact Titanic, cravings that are absolutely out of this world, and the muscle weakness that absolutely refuses to abate; how's that for a fun time?

Over the last several days I'm dealing with the weakness that makes my arms and legs shake, that feels a whole lot like my blood sugar is crashing--though I know it's not.  My labs, my BG, was great last checked, so I doubt very seriously this shaking is from that.  So what then?  Myositis?  Okay, okay, okay... I did say I was going to focus on something else.  Guess I should do that--find a youtube video or something, anything, anything at all that will inspire me.  Hope.  Ideas.  Possibility.  Even if it's simply learning more about what I am dealing with, and also what other thing (Myositis) I could be dealing with....

Seriously.

WTH?

Because I Can.

It's inevitable, isn't it?  Social networking is like trying to have a picnic beneath a buzzing hornets nest.  We know the situation is precarious, especially when so many have now succumbed to chronic butt-hurt, and yet we persevere, post to our little heart's content, and laugh at the wrath some things inspire from unstable people.  We try to understand, and some will try to edit what they post in order to 'keep down the drama.'  Thing is, the drama is on their side, not ours.  I mean, getting bent out of shape over what someone posts is a lot like being offended by the furniture in your neighbor's house... and saying so.  It's rude, and it's inappropriate.

So why do people do it if it's just going to stir up trouble?  Well, the answer to the question is in the question itself.  Some people are addicted to drama, and you can spot them readily because they'll be the ones complaining constantly, and in their passive/aggressive manner, about everyone else's "drama."  I know you guys have seen this.

I'm always a little amazed, watching them melt-down, lose control, judge others for speaking their minds, all the while trying desperately trying to blur the line between 'victim' and 'bully.'  Know the type I'm talking about?  These are the people who will call you an idiot while claiming they're above such behavior.

It's perplexing.

Here's the thing: Social networking doesn't come with a carte blanche card to attack other people's views, etc.  You have a choice to keep going if you see a post you don't like, and most stable, intelligent people will do just that.  And yes, there are exceptions, such as someone outright attacking, bullying, posting personal or sensitive information about you, etc.  I mean, by all means.. call them out on it if they do that, and be sure to block their sorry asses when you're done.  Nobody likes a bully.

Now, you also have to practice what you preach.  I choose not to comment if I don't like something, and I refrain when possible the urge to behave in passive/aggressive ways.

I personally don't believe we should censor our speech just to make other people more comfortable.  DO know that I'm NOT including bullying in this, because that will NEVER be okay.  Not ever.  But outside of bullying, we can say what we want, given it's within keeping with said SN TOS.

My personal experience in this current political climate has been that the chronically butt-hurt come out in force when I post something that isn't in keeping with their own views.  One person in particular has taken to some very nasty commenting on posts he doesn't agree with, and often it's simply posts in support of who my chosen presidential candidate is.  Now why would anyone have to vomit nastiness on a positive post?  Who knows?  Who cares?  My posts on my page aren't open to bullying and nastiness.  I will either delete your posts or block you.  Enough is enough.  For the record, I've not yet blocked this other person, but that could change quickly after today's nastiness.

When has free speech turned into 'free to bully'?  I don't have the answer to this question either, but maybe it's more a rhetorical reference than anything else.  Either way, some people really don't understand how stubborn I can be when it comes to another trying to control what I do, how I think, how I feel, and so on.  Yeah, I can assure you.. you really don't want to poke the bear like that.

Bullying doesn't work on me, and you'll find quite the opposite response than what you hope for.  But then, I think these types of drama queens actually WANT the drama, which is why they spend SO much time tossing insults.  Why else would they do it if that's the only payoff?

So today this person went on a rant, tossing in character assassination remarks and such, and quite a few at that.  But the main complaint is that he didn't want to see political posts and actually stated that if you're posting more than 2-3 per day that your friends are "Fucking sick of you."  Well, what he thinks was a clever cut down and shaming tactic I see only as a challenge, and one I accepted right off.  Today is going to be a day when the political posts will continue.. all.. day.. long.

I don't give in to bullies, who are really just cowards anyway.  My page, my posts, and anyone who doesn't like it can click the 'unfollow' or 'unfriend' button!  You can't bully me.  You can't censor me.  And you can't control me.

Challenge me, and you may be surprised at my response.  And remember, you can't un-ring that bell.

I also practice what I preach: if I see a post I don't like... I move on.  Having the restraint to NOT react is empowering, because when you do as that other person did today you show weakness, an inability to control your own emotions and behavior.  Why would anyone willingly do that?  There are venues outside of social media to air your grievances if needed.  Hell, I have blogs where I can speak my mind and get things off my chest WITHOUT drawing attention to the person I may be talking about.  Having been at the receiving end of abuse and character assassination I choose to refrain from going down that road if possible.  But I assure you, I'm NOT afraid to stand up for myself; that's a completely different thing altogether anyway.

As they say... haters gonna hate. ;p

Finding Me

I'm not lost.  I'm not invisible, though I FEEL that way most of the time.  I know who I am, for the most part.  I can look at my life objectively and see where I've gone terribly wrong.  I have a sense now of protecting my health, my sanity, my life, and I won't allow anyone to derail that.  I've come a very, very long way.

I have a purpose just like any other, and a couple of relationship experiences has taught me that I can't lose sight of the fact that I don't need anyone else telling me I'm worthwhile.  Selfish people will spend a LOT of time telling you you're not worthwhile, not worth their time, effort, love.  And why do we allow this?  The answer to that is different for every person, but the one thing that we all have in common is the TYPE person we chose to bring into our lives.

I'm right here, right now, alive and feeling; I've always been here.  Though a couple of people I had in my life tried frantically to diminish who and what I am, and they nearly succeeded, they FAILED.  I know this because I was able to finally walk away from the situation and felt that terrible, heavy weight lift as I did so.  Even in the absence of real closure I know I saved myself by steering clear.

This situation I'm in now with my health is a big uncertainty in my life and I have to accept that.  I have no idea, going forward, what to expect and have to take things one day at a time, literally.  What little energy I have can't be spent on yet another person who doesn't have my best interests at heart or in mind.  Now, on the surface that may sound selfish, but since my health and life are at stake.. I can't leave anything to chance, nor can I just pour my life and future into someone else the way I had in the past.  There's nothing selfish about taking care of myself, and it's taken me a couple of years to actually believe this.

I don't care if anyone thinks I'm selfish right now.  I do all I can for others as much as my energy and health will allow.  The people who love me understand.  And the people, past and present, who don't love me don't understand at all and stand in judgment.  Thankfully, the numbers in that particular group are ridiculously small.

This is not the time for me to turn my focus away from the very real AI disease(s) I'm dealing with.  Both the one confirmed and the one yet-to-be-confirmed are very serious and require life-long treatment.  No one has given me a prognosis, because there's really no way to at this point.  No one can guarantee me anything, and what they're left with is telling me the possibilities as far as what my life expectancy is WITH and WITHOUT treatment.  I've started treatment, as you guys know.  I've begun that journey, but it's going a lot slower than anticipated.  Still, my odds with treatment are far better than without.  Even knowing THAT I'm given NO guarantees of what will be a year from now, 5 years from now, or even next month.

All I can do is take very good care of myself and avoid stress and anxiety.  And herein lies the biggest problem--my life with T, my past that haunts me... all bring stress and anxiety in like a flood.  Not 24/7.. but enough to make each day just one more opportunity to work my way past that.

Finding myself sounds so damn cliche, and so much so that I cringe just thinking those words.  But it's something I can't ignore.  I'm here, but I don't recognize the person in the mirror, the sick person with the dark circles under the eyes, etc.  It's okay, though.  I know and understand the drill.  That sick person in the mirror needs TLC, patience, understanding, and love.  I'm really pretty much the only one that can provide that.  It's still me in there, looking back...


It's still me in there looking back....

Cross-Post Rant ahead!... "I'm done"

Trust me when I say... it's taken me from approximately 7:20am to 10:37am JUST to calm down enough to write.  Waking to indifference each day is grating on my nerves and sucking the life out of my life.  I'm not in the greatest of moods at the moment, and I'm not about to pretend I am.  It's been one HELL of a morning... let's just start there, shall we?

Okay, so all of my life I've believed that the old saying "Anything worth doing is worth doing RIGHT" is a damn good foundation for anyone's life.  Half-Assing ANYTHING reveals a lot about a person.  And by 'half-assing" I mean not putting everything you have into what you're doing.  Not to say your "everything" may not be on the same level every day, but putting in 100% of what you can is all anyone can really ask.  And why not?  Why would anyone do anything less than 100%?  When you take shortcuts you leave someone else to make up the difference in distance you weren't willing to go.

NOTE:  As always, unless I'm writing something aimed at someone in particular... the word "You" is used loosely and not meant to point fingers at anyone here.

My health is bad--I've spoken of this a lot in my blogs.  Dealing with one confirmed AI disease (AIH) and going through the paces of confirming a second means.. I'm NOT in remission.  I won't BE in remission for a very long time (I'm told).  The blood work COULD very well improve, the numbers will improve and possibly quickly, but 'remission' is more than numbers.  I won't go into all of that, but suffice it to say every single day is a battle to get through.  So here I am living with someone who, by nature, does ONLY what he can get away with and not a scintilla more.  What does this mean?  It means I have to take up the slack.  I not only have to do what I need and have to do, but I have to take up the slack from what he only does PART-WAY.

Half-Assers are a HUGE pet peeve of mine!

Look, I realize there will be days, times, and situations where you may have to take a short cut or do what you can in that moment.  But I also know that there are things that HAVE to be done correctly, thoroughly.  I mean, you can only short-cut your way through things until you end up with a completely and totally chaotic mess that SOMEONE ELSE will ultimately have to deal with.  Why the hell would you do this to someone, especially someone you claim to "love"?

This morning, like so many mornings (every morning!) I found myself forcing my way through cleaning up after T.  And I mean, cleaning up as in it takes me some 45-hour JUST to pick up the slack of his half-assed whatever.  Have I spoken to him about this?  Of course I have, and 2 years ago, when it really began, I was very calm, loving, and discussed the matter with him in hopes he would see what he was doing.  I mean, he's a grown up, and I'm not his mom.  He can pick up after himself, because he's no Ward Cleaver and doesn't treat me like Joan.  The family of the 1950's and 1960's are GONE.  Marriage and relationships aren't centered around women being in servitude.

Now, women who are treated with respect, treated kindly, appreciated.. will do almost anything for their guys.  It's how we're wired.  We're wired to be caretakers, caregivers, at least most of us.  However, when taken advantage of we often will begin to back off from all those things we once did easily, eagerly, and happily.  When taken for granted... we don't see any reason to continue giving when there's only taking from the other side.

And please, don't confuse this 'give and take' with material things or money, etc.  Because those things don't bring happiness, not ever.  What I'm talking about here is doing one's part in the relationship without placing the blinders on and thinking it's really just all about the other person doing all the work.

I've been in a relationship where everything was dumped solely on my shoulders.  People who know me, who pay attention, find out quickly that I can't be bought.  You can't buy your way out of unhappiness.  You just can't.  Being poor and happy is FAR FAR superior than being well-off and miserable.  Money can't get rid of unhappiness.. I really can't stress that enough.

Doing your part, that's what it's about.  Not placing necessary pressure or expectations on the other person is what it's about.  Respecting the other person's time is what it's about.  And soooooo much more, or course.  But when it comes to half-assing your way through chores because you know the other person will take up the slack for you... that's a sure-fire way to turn that person off, long-term.  And good damn luck getting them to be turned on again.

Being taken advantage of is not good foreplay.
Being taken for granted is not good foreplay.
Doing and not doing things that make the other person's life more difficult.. is not good foreplay.
Being overtly, blatantly lazy isn't sexy.
Indifference isn't sexy.
Ignoring someone isn't sexy.
Not respecting the other person's space, time, and needs isn't sexy, nor is it good foreplay.
Being mean, hateful, abusive.. isn't sexy, and it makes for LOUSY foreplay.

You treat me like shit, I'm going to shut down.
You abuse me, mentally, verbally, or physically.. and I'm going to shut down and NOT be into you.
Take me for granted and I'll stop doing things for you.

It's taken me years to get to this point, and I've been a welcome mat for a couple of people and won't ever allow myself to do that again.  I don't need anyone THAT much.  If I'm treated badly, eventually I won't feel anything at all for you, and you're going to find out that you really just can't un-ring that bell.

You can't buy me or my love.  I'm not for sale.  If you do something you claim is out of kindness or whatever, and you use it against me later.. you've given your true motive away!  Once I SEE you, what and who you REALLY are, I won't be able to see that 'other' person ever again.  Once you blow it, you blow it.

T is lucky in that there's still about 2% hope here.  This morning was just about the final straw, but I fought and worked my way past it, and I'm telling you it was DIFFICULT!  He knew, too.  He knew the moment I pointed out to him what he'd done.  He tried to backpedal, tried to reassure himself that he'd not blown it VIA me.  But what was done was done, and the disingenuous nature of what he did wasn't lost on me at all, and it broke something inside and change, again, the way I see him and feel about him.  Being disingenuous is exactly like lying, and I'm DONE being okay with men who lie to me, either by omission or right-out.  DONE.

That 2% of me that is still open to his finding a solution and fixing the whole disingenuous thing is stretched very thin.  He's running out of time.

Honesty and respect are MORE important than love.  My last relationship taught me that, opened my eyes to the fact that without those first two things.. LOVE CAN'T EXIST!  Love CANNOT exist in the absence of honesty and respect.

Besides struggling through a VERY PAINFUL morning trying to finish half-assed attempts at whatever, I also had to deal with the tuning me out thing, the thing where he pretends to vaguely respond because he knows he didn't hear a thing I just said.  No matter... I don't repeat myself anymore.  I do let him know, however, that I get that he didn't hear me and that all the begging in the world to repeat myself isn't going to make me do so.  After a year or more of this not listening/tuning me out thing.. I've grown intolerant to it.  I've told him that, fine, if he's that disinterested in what I have to say then I'll simply 'tell someone who gives a shit.'  He doesn't like it, but it's no longer about what HE likes and doesn't like anymore.  I've taken the first step in getting MY life back, replacing the disrespect he shows towards me with my own SELF-RESPECT; something I really should've done a long, long time ago.  Better late than never, I say.

So this morning was NOT a good morning.  But I'm going to spend the remainder of my day taking care of myself, focusing on what I can do to help myself heal, and incorporating those things that will protect me from further harm from anyone, especially from the person I'm living with.  Yes, I still have to work through the damage from the past relationship, but that's already underway and will help with my current situation.

Well, that's where I am today.  It will get better, and I will keep persevering... as long as I can.

Random Thoughts at 3am

Random Thoughts at 3am: "I wonder if I'd look good in a sombrero?"

Yeah, well... if you're waiting for me to explain that one, you're gonna be waiting a LOOOOONG time. lol  It's an insomnia thing.

About that hat thing---yeah... NO!

Still, one has to wonder where these random thoughts come from.  Me?.. I'm not sure I want to know...

As it stands right now, I'm going to resist the urge to buy a sombrero and take a selfie.

Adios!

Predicting Life from the Sidelines

This is a very bad day today.  I managed to post about some news I learned yesterday, but I did so in my other blog.   And yes, I'm still attempting to post in my blogs by relevance.  Still, there will always be overlapping posts.  Having said that, let me say... I feel like crap today.  I really, really do.  I've had some success with drinking more coffee (hey, whatever works!) until today.  Today, I don't think all the caffein in the world will help.  Dammit.

One more cup; this is how I get through the morning.  I love coffee, don't get me wrong, but I certainly don't want it to be the reason I'm sitting upright each day.  Well, I guess today will be the day when I say coffee WON'T be the reason I'm upright, because it's just not working right now.  I have a feeling I'm edging towards being a limp noodle with the jitters.  Dammit again.

I sit here and feel like sliding off the chair onto the floor in a giant puddle of 'screw it.'  But I can't really allow that to happen, now, can I?  And yet I knew, as I always do, the moment I sat up in bed that today was going to suck to the highest possible power of suckiness.  I want so badly to go back to bed, to lay down, to sleep... to just not have to use my muscles to sit upright.. or walk.. or even stand.

I'm sitting on the sidelines of my own life, trying to predict from one day to the next, one hour to the next how much 'life' I will actually have at any given moment.  My body isn't predictable.  What I do or not do today can, and usually does, affect what happens tomorrow, or a few tomorrows.  If I overdo things, I pay for it.  And when I don't, I still end up paying a price for something I didn't even know I was or wasn't doing.  So what's the point, right?  How in the hell am I supposed to know what to do, what not to do, when doing nothing sometimes is just as bad as doing anything?

I'm really not making much sense here.

I've managed to get out of bed, so there's that.

Dammit.

Hello?

Disclaimer: In any of my blogs, especially this one, I'm not always going to post things that resonate with everyone.  Kind of a 'duh' statement, but I feel it needs to be said anyway.  Nothing I write here is meant to be everyone's truth---it's just MY truth.  I don't expect anyone to agree with me and feel the world is a far more interesting place because people have their own views, likes, dislikes, tastes, opinions, etc.  This blog was created for those times when I have to work through things that aren't making much sense to me.  I'm just allowing myself to let it 'all hang out' in order to find my way through the muddle in hopes that, in the end, I'll find some clarity and help others along the way.

FIRSTLY, do realize my sense of humor can be odd, eccentric, strange, and a little 'smart-assy' at times.  ;)

Okay, getting on with it then...

As the waiting game continues with my health insurance company, I'm left wondering if this other health problem will ever be addressed.  At what point to I give up, or at what point does push come to shove?  Either way, my hands are tied because the ultimate authority here is the insurance company themselves, and the only answer they seem to have is 'no.'  But that's NOT what this entry is about...

Across the board, all the actions, reactions, inactions, and infractions are a complex and chaotic mess of being on a corticosteroid and trying to live with the side effects, while simultaneously dealing with life's everyday nuisances.  Who does this make me these days?

I'm still me, always will be me, and I'm not apologizing for that.  Yet I still find the need to assess what I'm doing from day to day just the same, because keeping tabs on my thoughts and behavior is key to keeping some semblance of peace in my situation at the moment.  Do I handle things well right now, the stressors, the anxiety, the depression?  Nope!  But then, this entry isn't about that either...

So what the hell is my point?  Okay, I'll be blunt here---the point is that my tolerance for difficult people has waned considerably under the weight of all that is 'my life' right now.  I mean, yes.. I do have some tolerance, but it's not to the self-damaging degree that it once was in the past.  I mean, if I didn't LEARN something from my past experiences then I'm in BIG BIG trouble.  Thankfully, I'll be okay in that respect, because I consider that the lessons learned had and have an enormous impact on me.

Remember my mentioning that I need to turn my focus on healing?  That message has been quite a common theme in most of the entries lately, though I've refrained from telling details--again; so sorry about that.  Either way, in many respects I'm doing both you AND me a favor by NOT going to in-depth here all of the time.  Still, a part of me says I should.  What do I do with that information?

I need to turn things around.  My thinking, my approach, all of it has to work together in order to affect change.  It takes work, people.  WORK.  If you think you've found an easy way to affect change, my guess is that disappointment is over the horizon, the same horizon where you see the silver lining and believe it's just 'there' and ready to be stepped into.  Using that analogy, think about this: At what point does anyone ever reach the horizon?  No one does, nor does anyone walk right into a rainbow.  The closer you think you get, the further away it seems.

It really does take work to affect change.

Okay, so if you're thinking I sound negative right now, well.. maybe that's true.  I guess the realist in me is chomping at the bit to face things head-on, as unappealing as it may be.  If things aren't perfect or pretty or wonderful or amazing, then they're not.  Identifying and acknowledging WHAT IS gives you the tools to bring about WHAT YOU WANT.  If you don't know the house is on fire, you can't put that fire out.  Seriously.

For the record... I haven't EVEN begun to address what needs addressing... yeah, and this is the reason this blog has the title it does. ;p

Carry on...

The Cocoon of SAFE, Mindless Prattle

I'm irritated at the moment.  I'm irritated because I'm not handling things very well right now.  I get that the message I'm given is that it's very difficult to handle stress when you're on prednisone, that the body's usual defense mechanisms simply aren't in place anymore.  I hear what I'm told, I get what I'm told, but I DON'T LIKE WHAT I'M TOLD.  Yeah, yeah.. go cry me a river, right? ;p

Okay, so I wonder how much I'm going to be pushed by my own body in order to see just how much I can take and maintain my sanity?  When will the insurance company FINALLY approve the medication I need to take care of a serious situation that is wreaking havoc on my body and my life?  It's been over a month now.  OVER a month, and I still can't get the medication approved.  This country, because of Obama, has gone right to hell.  It really has.  And this is only ONE of the ways it's gone downhill.

At any rate, I seem to swing between being completely angry one moment about this, to feeling utterly abandoned in the next.  I don't know HOW to feel about anything anymore, and as long as I have to deal with the symptoms I'm not going to be the most rational or patient of people; it's been going on for too long and I'm flipping tired.

Making demands on me--this is really what I'm getting at.  I need to heal, and while the AIH is being addressed it's simply not enough.  You can't just ignore some things, and this thing I'm dealing with is something that will not allow me the luxury of pretending it's not there, happening, and ruining my life at the moment.  And no, I'm not being melodramatic here.  It's the truth.

Now, I will admit one of the biggest mistakes I've been making is spending WAY too much time on social media.  My bright idea was to avoid watching too much tv, and in doing that I've replaced tv with reading political articles, reading and getting caught up in tweets on Twitter, watching the disconnected posts flow through my FB feed.  I can admit that's a dumb thing for me to do.  And what can I do instead?...

Well, I know what I should do, so it's not a matter of ignorance but rather bad choices.  I'm aware.  Instead of getting caught up in all the political hot-headedness or trying to amuse myself with funny pictures and such... and we all know this is the bulk of FB posts these days... I should be turning my focus on what I normally do, and that is to seek information on how to make the best of what I'm dealing with, finding new ways to see my situation, and read more about what others do in the same.  While I have sought information and such, I guess I've found it's not helped me as much as I'd hoped. Maybe that's why I'm distracting myself with all of the other crap.

I need to take about 20 paces back from FB, from Twitter, and from reading all the political crap out there.  Yes, I want to be informed as these elections coming are VERY important, but there's so much hate and nastiness in what people say these days that I find it hard to read and maintain a good, happy, frame of mind.  So that's one thing that I need to change.

Another thing is to avoid people on FB who seem to make it their life's mission to comment with negative crap on my posts.  I mean, damn... grow up.  If you don't like my point of view, disagree with me, etc... then just move along to the next post in the feed and ignore mine!  It's not THAT hard to do, is it?  And I know one person in particular is doing it.. because he can.  He doesn't try it in person, which I find rather amusing, but he gets down right offensive and rude when he's hiding behind his computer.  I normally just shrug it off and roll my eyes when he does this, but lately he's taken to insulting some of my friends in the military, including veterans, and that's where I draw the line.  At any rate, this is the sort of thing that happens when you post anything of actual substance on social media.  Here's a fact: People aren't really interested in what you think, feel, or believe.  What people are actually interested in is cocooning themselves in SAFE, mindless prattle that means nothing.

And yes, this is relatively isolated to one particular person, so that makes things easy for me in terms of what to block him from.  Honestly, I'm not sure that FB allows that anymore, blocking certain people from particular posts.  Either way, enough of the BS on FB.  If I find a way to block him from my posts.. it's done.. ACCESS DENIED!

Now that I got THAT off my chest...

Random Thoughts at 3am

I had to make that meme.  I suppose it's just that one goofy part of me (sense of humor) that refuses to buckle under the health issues.  Yeah, I'm just ninja like that.

ANYHOO....Insomnia is a fickle bedfellow these days.  Incredibly unpredictable, I never quite know what it is I'm facing when I get into bed each night.  There's something triggering me to wake up when I go to bed, but I've yet to pinpoint exactly what that is.  Even nodding off on the sofa prior to going to bed doesn't guarantee I'll sleep once I get there, and in fact... it's almost a given now that I'm going to be waiting up, tossing and turning, until the wee hours of the night.  And what does this do besides keep me tired and exhausted?  For one, I get strange dreams, ones I really could've done without.  No, not nightmares... just dreams.  But still...

So it's 2am, 3am.. and stupid, random thoughts pop into my brain, which triggers more thinking, thinking, thinking... blah blah blah.  Damn.  Seriously.  WTH?  Most of it isn't even worth thinking about, I promise.

Okay, so falling back asleep this morning in hopes of getting about 5 hours I had a dream, and one that puzzles the crap out of me.  Well, I suppose most dreams don't make sense, right?  They're usually random babbling and broken intel of things we are either not dealing with, dealing with poorly, or unaware that we need to deal, you know, with those things.  But what about those dreams that aren't as chaotic and confusing?  What about the dreams that leave us thinking.. "Wow. That was so REAL!"  What about THOSE dreams?  You know the kind I'm talking about.

If your dream makes sense, what's the message?  That's the big question, isn't it?

I'm not sure what to make of my dream.  The content, which I'm not wanting to talk about, I think I understand, but my REACTION to it is yet another thing entirely.  It made me sad, seeing what I saw in the dream, though the actual thing happening wasn't a sad thing at all.  So.. wth gives?

Sorry to be vague about the dream itself, but some things are just TOO revealing of my own thoughts and feelings, feelings I'd rather keep to myself.  I'm trusting my instincts on this.  I may actually talk about this stuff in detail at some point, but I prefer to wait until I'm ready.  Hope you guys understand.

The other crazy thing that's happened today, post-dream, is that I feel a little anxious about my future.  It's like I'm being forced to assess what I want and how I plan to go about getting what I want, in terms of my future, happiness, health, and so on.  I don't have the luxury of being on auto-pilot, so introspection and continually assessing where I am and where I'm heading is really important.  T is more of an auto-pilot type, and it's not always easy for someone like me who's trying to take the wheel of my own life to be around someone who's just, well, letting life happen to him.  Not to say that his life is bad, because he's really chill and content most of the time.  I like to see where I'm heading, though, so laying back and riding the current isn't going to work for me right now.  Not sure it will ever work, to tell you the truth.

I wish I knew what my subconscious was trying to tell me.  I have a guess, but I don't LIKE that guess so am keeping an open mind and hoping I'm full of it. ;p

That's a lot of writing for someone who's as tired as I am.  Sheesh....

Really? I mean, really?

What a day.  Would be a better day if I wasn't completely taken over by the new meds, AIH, and resulting 'wheverthehellisgoingon' things I'm dealing with.  New symptoms come on board as I go, and dammit if I don't end up completely befuddled as to what's causing them.  Today, nausea rears its ugly head, and honestly.. I've NO idea WTH is going on NOW.  Meds?  Illness?  Anemia returning?  As for the latter, it certainly would make perfect sense given the symptoms.

Just so doggone tired of all of this stuff.  You know?  And, honestly, I'm pretty tired of the voice in my head that is constantly trying to figure out the why's and wherefores of all that's happening.  Well, at least my Rice Crispies aren't talking to me, right?  There's that at least. lol

Okay, so I'm still able to laugh and smile, but it's not easy to do so.  Weak, shaky, nausea, intense lower back pain (which stopped the last time I had IV iron infusions), taste buds about dead, and my tongue is sore.  *sigh* seriously.  What the actual hell?

Drink this, take that, take it with a full meal, don't take it with this or that, take it at this time... omg...

Sitting here looking at my coffee cup, knowing that I'm down 2 cups and afraid to drink anything.  Will it STAY DOWN if I do, is the burning question.

Phooey.

So yeah, I'm doing a lot of complaining today.  I could just not say anything, but my body is complaining and setting off alarms saying something is still wrong, something isn't right at all, there's something else being missed here.

I know it.  My body knows it.  I don't have to say a thing, but it's there just the same.

....going to try another cup of coffee....