I have no idea what you're talking about.

I find it increasingly more difficult to deal with... difficult people.  I don't mean that everyone has to agree with me, because that's freaking boring as hell.  No, by 'difficult' I mean... I'm sick of certain people in my life (not my kids) telling me what and who I am, how I should act, behave, etc.  Oh wait, no.. that's not what I mean at all.  Yeah, I'm being sarcastic.  The truth is, the most difficult people are the ones who, while you're talking to them, are having a completely different conversation than you.  There really is nothing that will kill a conversation faster, imho.

While I'm not going to go on about this, I have to say that I've found I'm no longer tolerant of people who dismiss me so completely that they no longer hear me when I talk to them.  I swear, if I have to say "I've NO idea what you're talking about" I'm going to scream.

Ugh.

Seriously.

WTF.

September 01, 2016: Everything But The Kitchen Sink...

Life.  Amiright?

Audio Blog Continues...

Healing is a slooooooow process right now, so audio blogging will be the order of the day for now.... bear with me, as the last few days have been chaotic, tiresome, stressful... and just confusing....

Risk for Redemption.

I played a bit with the idea of composing an audio/vid for myself, just something to remind me that there was, in fact, a time when I felt like a normal human being, when pain was minimal and sometimes absent, when I could behave normally, when restrictions of body (and now spirit and emotion) hadn't taken hold.  I know I used to feel better and actually participate in L I F E.  But for the life of me, my mind edits at will and separates the now from the then, the me I became and the me I once was.  So to keep it all in perspective... I made an audio movie with pics ranging from 8 months ago to 4 years ago, before this big crash in everything that is 'my life' and 'me.'

I was hesitant to upload it here (still am), but a friend of mine said "Do it.  Put it ALL out there, and to hell with what anyone thinks!"  It feels odd to see my own face all over this video, but... it's mostly for me anyway, something I can look at and recall that L I F E was there in me, and maybe.. just maybe... I will start believing again.  enough of the typing... arm aches horribly.

The compilation set as a reminder of where I once was in my L I F E and H E A L T H, remembering a healthier, happier me... taking a risk for redemption of myself, an apology to tell the woman I've become.... 'I'm so sorry I let you down."

Experiment #1....

Until my shoulder heals, this will be the norm for entries.  I'll resume typing entries once I reach a point where typing is no longer painful.

Thanks for your patience everyone.  Oh... and this is an experiment.  I will be uploading others with more focus. :)

It's About Time.

When I first began blogging it was for one specific reason--venting.  I needed a place where I could get things off my chest that were bothering me so I could get on with life without cumbersome emotions or baggage.  I had ONE blog at that time.  When things got tough, and they often were, I would visit my blog and unload to my heart's content, not giving a single iota to being politically correct or holding back out of some delusion that I somehow had to be 'polite' here.  The venting would ensue, fall upon the screen, and I would be left to bask in the aftermath of some seriously epic purging of thoughts, feelings, and more.  In the end I would usually go back and delete the long-winded and emotionally-charged entries, knowing I could do so now that some time had past.  That blog still exists and I still post in it as often as possible, and I named it "All Things Ephemeral" for a reason, even if that reason no longer exists.  Let me explain....

A few years ago I made the decision to stop deleting the entries.  Being honest with myself I realized that I was deleting so as not to 'hurt feelings' of those I vented about.  No matter that I left off names and details that would give much away to the wrong set of eyes reading, I decided it was somehow 'impolite' to share even my feelings and experiences.  Boy, was that ever stupid.  I'm glad I came to my senses and stopped editing the content over some perceived butthurt it may cause someone else.  But, did I really stop editing my own entries after all?  Well, today I figured it was something worth investigating.

I often come here and stare at the blank screen where bits of my life would fall and wonder... "How can I actually talk about this?"  I know as I write just how much I'm holding back, even when I don't WANT to.  Still, the struggle to set myself free remains just that--a struggle, even today.  Even when I know the healthiest thing I can do for myself is write about it, get it out of my system, it's remains incredibly difficult just the same.

What I want very much to do right now is to take the first step in 'going there,' to talk openly instead of using a string of allusions to piece together a story that, when all is said and done, remains unclear and ill-explained because of that fear below the surface of truth.

A Bold First Step

My next blog entry will be in This Free Spirit, and I tell you this because it will ultimately be the first blog entry in many years where I hold little if nothing back.  With failing health I need all the help I can get to break the bonds of emotional servitude, and the first step is to open myself completely to the idea of 'almost' full disclosure.

Wish me luck....

Getting it all off my chest....

Well, it's a little cathartic to be able to vent, to scrutinize, to assess, to get it all out when something's bothering me.  If you want to know exactly what I'm talking about... it's HERE.  PART I and PART II were needed as this was, well, you'll see if you're curious enough to go there and read.  The discussion was about Beta men vs Alpha men and the necessary balance of power in a relationship.  I'm past that now, moving on, and wondering what the hell I'm going to do about my life as it is at the moment... not much of a life at all.  Aren't I always struggling with this?  Don't answer.

Exhaustion overcomes on the other side of stress.  I'm pretty much there at the moment and fighting like hell to defeat its encroachment.  What I'm left with is a familiar struggle to find my strength and focus again.  It's okay.  It is what it is.

I have to face each day like I don't remember the one before.  I can't allow myself to have any regrets, or allow the sense that I lost yet another 24 hours of my life.  There aren't any do-overs.  What I do is wake and think to myself.. "Today is the day."  It's a mantra of sorts, and one that has yet to actually work.

I'm spent.  Working on those two hefty entries has left me with virtually nothing.  So, if you're curious... click on the link above to read the most of today's crapola.

The crap I shall spew today.

This is where all the extraneous crap ends up.  When I've spent time on my other blogs and attempted to focus on specifics, what I'm left with is the need to just get stuff off my chest, even if it makes absolutely NO sense whatsoever.  Aren't you glad you're here to witness that?

More than a few times lately I just wanted to distance myself from almost everyone.  I don't need fair-weather friends or relatives (kids, etc. excluded) because I'm sick of trying to edit what I think or say or feel or whatever---to ensure the comfort of someone else.  If you don't like what I have to say, if you don't agree with my beliefs or opinions, if you have nothing at all good to bring to the table, if you're intolerant and closed-minded then just don't come to the table.  It's not rocket science, I promise.

*sigh*

Just speak your mind, and if it's opposing views, just use respect and courtesy.  That's all.  Nothing fancy.  Respect and courtesy go a long way, especially with me.  It's okay if you don't agree with me, just be respectful when disagreeing.

Good grief what a day.  Some people simply suck at communication.

smh.

When I'm without words, music...

When I'm without words, music....

Handle this, handle that, forget what it does to your soul.

I told myself that I could handle this today.  I promised myself I would at least try.  And I did, try.  I can't say I'm handling things well at all, because.. to be truthful.. I'm not.  But I'm trying.  Do I really believe I'm strong enough to get past this whatever-it-is?  Now that's the million dollar question, isn't it?

Forget it.  The whole idea of just "enduring" life is ridiculous and not something anyone should try on purpose.  I don't think anyone does, you know, do that on purpose.  Most of us are catapulted directly at the bullseye of defeat by forces we can't possibly overcome much less stop.  Some give in.  Some give up.  Some are caught between the two.  And me.. I've no freaking idea where I am in this mess.  I just know I don't like it here.  And why should anyone have to be where their soul, spirit fades beneath the gray?

Know when to get out while your spirit still has its wings.

Twilight--my favorite time of day.

It's a small part of the day and one you may miss if you blink.  Stay awake.  Just stay awake.

Almost the entirety of my escape processes include music, where the fabric of reality and the fantasy of reclaiming a life I once had clash in, sometimes, startling and colorful ways.  I don't delude myself into thinking that I don't know what really is or isn't; who cares?

Falling asleep listening to carefully constructed playlist is the only oasis I know.  While some songs grant me enough peace to fall asleep others wake me, and it's the message rushing to the forefront of those that bring me out of my slumber that are the most unsettling, the most telling.  I sometimes think of those moments as my subconscious crying out for help, that the sleeping soul and the wakeful spirit will be one again.

Creativity sleeps.  Dreams are too distant to remember.  Hope sits quietly beside me, distant and unmoved.  Memories are places my conscious mind tries to take up residence when I'm unable to sleep and surrender to what smothers my soul.  The abyss is real, and the truth looks down and recognizes its reflection in the darkness.  It's not as grim as it appears on the surface.

I no longer try to make my conscious and subconscious shake hands and call a truce.  The battle is a quiet one below the surface....

The Truth.

The world has gone mad.  Or more specifically, America has gone mad.  In all my life I've never seen such division, such bitter hatred on the left, such utter madness.  And it is madness.  I don't watch the news anymore because it's simply the most depressing thing ever, honestly.  We all know the media lies, stretches truth, etc., but recently trusting anything put out by the media is just buying into fiction.  And to that I say--open a book and read, because there's more truth in a Stephen King novel than there is on CNN, MSNBC, FOX, etc.  If you're going to waste time, might as well have fun, and there's nothing fun about what's going on in the media.  And worse, are those buying into the garbage.

Whatever happened to the truth?  What's happened to people that they're SO willing to except, embrace, and repeat lies that have been repeatedly debunked?  Rhetorical question, because we all know that people will ultimately believe what they want to believe and there's nothing anyone can do to change that.  Once sucked into the gaping black abyss of a lie--it takes a tremendous effort to find your way out.

As for me, I choose not to buy into the garbage.

But I'm sad to see how much hatred there is in our country, hatred born of the dirty side of government, of politics, and of greed.

I'm not sure at this point that any one thing or person or event could turn it around.  People are to blame for their own thoughts and actions.  They make the choices, and no one is twisting their arm.

It's just so tiresome.

We don't have to agree with one another to be civil.  We don't have to think alike or look alike to be civil.  We don't even have to like each other in order to respect one another.  All social graces, all levels or morality and decorum can be maintained under almost all circumstances if we make the choice to rise above it all and do the right thing.

I have no idea what the outcome of this election will be, nor do I even pretend to think that we're all going to end up changed by the end of it all.  We're already changed.  All we can do now is dig our heels in and hold our ground despite the odds.  I'm ready to do that, and I know a lot of others are as well.

We'll take things day by day like anyone else, but none of us are willing to be bullied by the 'powers that be' or radical domestic terrorist groups.

They can try like hell to stop us.  But here's the deal: We're not going anywhere.

Deal with it.

The Real Donald Trump

Dan Scavino said today that it's a shame the media will never talk about or show the kind heart that Donald Trump has. Those of us who grew up seeing the interviews from as far back as the 80's know he wasn't hated but rather watched in awe. How could a super wealthy guy could be so... down to earth? Well, he just is, and he always has been. While the media and establishment try their best to bring him down ...it just doesn't work, and it won't because most of us who support him already know of him. We've paid attention because, well, how can you not? So when you hear the slander and lies, and they are lies, remember this: A lie will travel the world and back while the truth is still putting on its shoes.

The Similarities of Day to Day Life.

Or shall we call it "A life of perpetual sameness"?  Either way, I'm going to make damn sure I change this.  I have to.

I've posted enough here for you guys to know where I am at the moment.  Dealing with communication and respect issues from T, issues that make themselves known every day and every night without fail.  You also know by now that my tolerance for this is extremely thin, verging on non-existent.  Notwithstanding innocent goof and human blunders, somewhere in the chaos one has to actually SEE the damage being done.  "I" see the damage because I'm a recipient of most of it, but T sits quietly on the river "Denial" and refuses to move.  Ok.  Whatever.

He doesn't like my bluntness and doesn't want me to say aloud the truth that threatens not only to completely destroy this relationship, but the truth that's destroying my peace of mind, health, and happiness.  He's in blissful ignorance, so I don't have any choice other than to say exactly what's on my mind.

When I'm trying to open a discussion, when I need to point out behaviors in someone that TRULY need addressing, I use non-combative phrases.  I speak of how I feel, what the harmful behavior is, but I don't point fingers, name-call, label, etc., because that approach causes damage as well.  I know how to communicate, as long as people allow me to communicate.

Repeatedly disrespecting me is a huge deal and would be for pretty much anyone.  Not allowing anyone to disrespect me was a lesson only recently learned, so I'm still a little awkward with it and finding my balance and strength when approaching the subject.  I'm getting there.  Now, in the process I've become fairly blunt when I've taken all I can, and all PC is out the window.  I speak my mind now while doing my best to preserve the other person's (in this case T) self-esteem.  I've no interest in becoming what I most despise so won't allow myself to go there.

T believes that when I point out what he does that hurts, offends, and disrespects me.. that it's a form of disrespect and that I shouldn't say anything at all.  But I assure you, that approach NEVER works and is, in fact, quite harmful to relationships and the individuals.  If I shove down my feelings, ignore the disrespect, and take the punches in silence... I will eventually resent that person, and that person right now is T.  No matter how I try to explain this--he doesn't get it and shows no indication of trying to understand or stop the disrespectful behavior.

Again, as I've said many times before, I'm not trying to make T out as a bad guy or to demonize him. He's NOT a bad guy--he's just blind to the things he does and doesn't do that greatly and adversely affect me in so many ways.  I hang in there for the obvious reasons, and I do so because I hold hope very close, hope that he'll see what he's doing so it can be stopped.

I may be a bit foolish for relying on hope this way given my past experiences and hope-filled failures.  But there's no reason NOT to hope.  In fact, hope is the great buffer of all things, isn't it?  Life tends to slip apart when hope is lost.

Damage control: There's been a lot of this with most being unsuccessful.  And I'm no stranger to damage control given past relationships that left me holding the weight of fixing everything.  One person CANNOT fix a relationship, nor can one person break it.  If a relationship is going bad, guaranteed there are TWO people at fault, even if it's the behavior of one and the acceptance of that behavior by the other.  It takes two people to break a relationship and two to repair it; an absolute truth.

Sometimes there are victims, yes, but 'most' victims are willing.  Meaning, when you have a way out of a bad situation and don't get on board with preparing things, and if you stay and suffer the damaging consequences.. then you've willingly participated in that damage.

As for me, I was a willing victim.  I played the martyr in love more times than I like to admit.  My role in a past relationship which did a LOT of damage to my self-esteem, body, etc. I take full responsibility for.  I remained in a bad situation, and though I believed that he and I could fix things I refused to see and acknowledge (for far too long) that the weight of that burden was planted fully on me.  I should've left at the first sign of serious problems.

I should have bailed when the relationship began changing the way I saw myself, how I thought of myself, when it began to depress me and fill my entire world with anxiety.  I should have been my own best friend and stood up for ME.  Instead, I did everything I possibly could to change into the distorted version he wished me to become.  It doesn't take a genius to understand that my acceptance of abuses, be they emotional or physical, would nearly destroy me as a person; I get it NOW, but I didn't get it THEN, not until it was too late and the damage was done.

I had to forgive myself more than the other person, because it was ME who let myself down.  I didn't have my own back, and I allowed everything till nearly the end.  It wasn't until I had a TIA and ended up in the hospital (very shortly after the last blow up) did I realize to what degree I'd been beaten up inside and how it had shattered me.

In the hospital the doctors asked about my level of stress, had I been dealing with major life changes such as a death in the family, financial hardship, and/or a breakup.  That was the first time the lightbulb went on and I began to introspect as I lay in that hospital bed with nothing but the hum of the heater to interfere with what came to me.  The realization was harsh, brazen, and shattering in its truth.  I had to get out of the relationship; I had to let go; and I had to do it to save my life.

This wasn't a comfortable awareness when it came blazing out of the deep recesses in which unpleasant things go to smolder.  But there was nothing I could do, really, but allow it into the light and face what it was, what I'd always known but refused to acknowledge.

So the burning question for most people at this point, after hearing/reading about my experience, the question everyone I knew at the time had is: Why the hell did I stay so long?  I stayed because I was in love with him.  Isn't that why any of us stay in bad or toxic relationships, because of our feelings and our sometimes misguided hopes that he/she will change?

I wouldn't find out until much later, until it was far too late and the damage was taking over my life and destroying happiness, that the person I fell in love with didn't really exist.  If you've read my blogs for a while you've heard me say this, and that's because the realization that I fell in love with a lie is profound and one I struggle with today for obvious reasons: You can't say goodbye to someone who doesn't exist.

The mask slipped and I discovered the truth beneath.

To this day everything about me struggles to reconcile who I thought I loved with who I was actually dealing with.

I believe that this problem of irreconcilable truths, for me, is fanning the flames of what's happening in the current relationship.  While I knew this was a possibility there wasn't any reasonable way to prepare for the experience itself.  On one hand being protective is necessary, but on the other hand.. always being poised in defense isn't a good idea either.

This emotional struggle could end with closure; something I will never have.  I can't say goodbye to someone who never existed, now can I?

Yeah... and therein lies the biggest problem of all.  This fight, this struggle permeates day to day life.  T's disrespect, whether purposeful or accidental permeates day to day life.  Health problems worsen and take over day to day life.  There seems to be no end to this....

The Non-Attractive Art of Half-Assing Life.

I'm here.  I thought I would have to lay down and shut down for a while like I did yesterday (boy, was that something).  It's funny how anxiety can over-stimulate and shut one down in a brief time, and at this time I'm waiting for the shut-down part.  Honestly, I was gearing up for just a minor reboot, something I can achieve at times with just laying down and listening to some music for a bit.  However, that was quickly kicked to the curb by finding yet something else T had 'half-assed.'  Trust me, if he were a superhero like Spiderman, 'Half-assing' would definitely be his Spidey Power.

My mom, like most parents I believe, taught me "Anything worth doing is worth doing right."  Even as a child this made sense to me, so I usually went an extra step or two in doing most everything.  So how is it that someone my age, who claims his parents taught him manners etc, makes half-assing (among other things) something to strive for?  I just don't get it.

I find myself each day dotting the 'i's and crossing the 't's, things T leaves for me like I'm his mother.  And the worst of the half-assing is when it comes to a blatant lack of appreciation for something he paid money for.  Never mind, for the moment, the truly important things in life he half-asses.  Let's just stick to the material goods that somehow doesn't seem to be important enough to take care of.  And yes, this is VERY much important.

The sunroom here at this new house is really quite lovely, and through the coldest months and days (which aren't over yet) the boxes containing the large, round ottoman, the plastic bags that contained the cushion covers, and the boxes that contained the cushions sat outside and awaiting assembly.  I can certainly understand maybe not wanting to put everything together while it's freezing outside, especially when there's no promise of milder days in which to enjoy sitting outside.  But now that we've had a string of days in the high 60's and even mid 70's I didn't really see any reason to not assemble the patio furniture and make us of the sunroom.  We moved in while it was cold (November), and now it's time to get things put together.

Over the past couple of weeks I've asked T to put the patio furniture together--something that is REALLY easy since there's no real 'assembly' involved except for attaching the  legs to the base of the big ottoman.  The chairs don' t need assembly, and all of the 'work' involved is putting the cushion covers on the cushions; a relatively easy job for anyone who isn't sick.

I didn't get a chance to see what he'd done until a short while ago, and wow... it really looks like a 10yr old put the cushion covers on.  I mean, wow.  To be truthful, it looks awful, right there on the verge of embarrassing.  It's a mess.  When he came into the kitchen to get something to drink I brought it up to him (he's working from home today), and the only thing he said was... "It was kind of hard to...." I guess I'll have to have him bring the cushions indoors so I can fix them myself.  Won't be easy with all the weakness in my arms, etc., but... I'm willing to try so the foam cushions aren't ruined by being bent and twisted inside the covers.

Honestly, I've known very few men in my life that will spend money on something and not care whether it's going to be ruined or not.  In fact, with it comes to patio furniture, outdoor grills, and yard work... most men I've known in my life care enough to take a great deal and take pride in taking care of and maintain those things.  Why does T half-ass everything, including the yard work?  Well, I honestly couldn't tell you.  It's really a huge mystery to me.  I have to light MULTIPLE fires under his ass to get anything done.  I just---don't---get it.

I've begged T to hire someone to do the yard work, even had to beg him to hire a 'handyman' that can help me with some other things around here.  Why?  Because he won't do it himself without WEEKS of prodding (no exaggeration), and that's IF he does it at all.  He won't even finish the yard work when he does do anything out there, which I also don't understand.  It's not a small yard (the back is relatively small), but it's not a giant yard either.  I'm lucky to get him to mow the front yard, much less take care of shrubs, rake leaves, etc.  I just don't know what to do, short of calling around and hiring somebody myself.

This is really, really stressful.  Among all the other things I have to contend with, this is just so so so draining.  I don't trust him, because he lies to me, outright and by omission, and fails miserably to follow-through with whatever task he begins.  Oh, how I wish I wear at least as healthy as I was about 3-4 years ago so I could just do it myself.  I could get it done.  But I can't.  I just can't.

Men constantly complain about women "nagging" them.  Well, in MY situation, it's either nag (in this case BEG) for things to be done OR hire someone else to do it, someone who will not only get the job done but do it right!

I hate to say it, but I'm poised at this point to take it upon myself to hire someone who can come here and do a few odd jobs, someone else to take care of the lawn that's been ignored.  T has made it clear he's incapable, and I just don't have the strength to keep begging and begging.  Shrubs that were supposed to be trimmed in the back yard in December or January are still untrimmed.

I'm the type of person to get things done that need done.  Everything from making my bed every day to sweeping and vacuuming on a daily basis (I have a Basset Hound who sheds), and making sure to dust (I have a bad dust allergy), make sure dishes are washed or in the dishwasher, cleaning the bathrooms on a weekly basis, etc... those things I've always made sure were done.  I don't like living in a nasty home and it becomes a TERRIBLE stressed to face a dirty house, sneezing and running nose with sinus headaches due to too much dust... oh boy, I can't even begin to express how it just wreaks havoc on my peace of mind.

I don't fault anyone for being a messy housekeeper.  It's not my place to tell anyone or judge.  But when it comes to MY personal living space, my home, and my health... I do draw the line.

For the past couple of weeks or so my eyes have been SEVERELY swollen with black circles, very dark black circles under my eyes, and crippling headaches due to allergy flair-ups that OTC Claritin has yet to even touch.  My eyes are red, itchy and sore, and I haven't had a decent night's sleep due to the congestion.  T offered to sweep and vacuum---which takes approximately 7-10 minutes, literally only 7-10 minutes, but he conveniently 'forgets.'  He forgets even when I've gone through a fortune in tissues due to constantly blowing my nose.  I try to sweep what I can, but it's getting where I can't do it anymore... and I need someone's help.  T promises to help, then he breaks his promise.. then wonders why I don't trust him anymore.

I totally understand oversight.  I totally get being too tired, etc.  But what I have issues with is that he promises to do these things then 'conveniently' forgets...for days and days and weeks.

He doesn't understand at all when I tell him I'm not sure how long I can stay here, with him, in this life.  He behaves desperately when I am blunt and tell him that I'm getting sicker here and need to be around people who care about me, people who can help me now and then with things I honestly can't do myself right now.  He says he can do it, that he cares, that he loves me, etc.  And yet I continue to get sicker with problems that can easily be avoided altogether by taking 7-10 minutes out of his day to help.  If he can't or doesn't WANT to help, then he should say so and allow me to get someone who can.  And yes, I've discussed this with him and used those exact words.

I've told T he doesn't HAVE to help me, that he doesn't HAVE to do anything at all.  No one can make him do anything he doesn't want to do, including me, and I have no desire to force him to do anything.  But it doesn't change the fact that I can't breathe, I can't sleep, that my eyes are horribly swollen and painful and somewhat due to my allergies.

Ever seen anyone in the throes of allergies without the benefit of medication?  Yeah, it's a pretty miserable sight.  And what it FEELS like is much worse than what it looks like.  I'm miserable with prednisone and prednisone-withdrawal symptoms, which include swelling in the face and eyes and many other lovely symptoms, so I do NOT need to add allergy symptoms on top of it all.  Prednisone helps inflammation, even that due to allergies.  During withdrawal from Prednisone allergy symptoms can be FAR WORSE than ever before, and that's what's happening now.  I can't let the dust etc. build up throughout the house because it's making things 1,000 times worse.

Yes, I'm upset.  I feel horrible, and much of what's making me feel horrible can be avoided.  Oh well. I guess I just ask too much, huh?

Time to ask around and search for someone who can help around here with household jobs and yard work.  I'm done waiting.... just done.

Dear God, please make me well so I can be strong enough to take my life back... even if it means leaving here....

Friday Lost Meaning.

Fridays, when you're unable to work or do anything, when you're house-bound by illness (even if temporary) loses its meaning and becomes yet just another day of the week.  It's true.  I'm not exactly sure when Fridays actually meant anything to me, to tell you the truth, and I'm not exactly sure how to make Fridays (or weekends) special again.  Ah, who cares, right?

Yeah, that's kind of where I am today, muddling over the broken artifacts of a life I used to live.

Blah.  Damn prednisone.

Laugher is about the only thing that gets me from point A to point B from one day to the next, and if I can't make Fridays special, I can at least make them funny.  Right?

Yeah.  That's what I'm telling myself today. ;p

Outside of Normal.

NOTE: The font is wonky.  Blogger having odd formatting issues today.

Into my third cup of coffee while waiting for the prednisone withdrawal migraine to subside, I'm considering what my life will be like once I obtain "normal," whatever the hell that is.  Normal has been so absent in my life that I'm not even sure I'd recognize it if it slapped me in the face.  Honestly, who ares about 'normal' if you feel good?  Yeah--that's really kind of where I'm going with this.

At night, or during the day when I don't feel well, I lay down to appease the demands of my body and listen to music in hopes of remembering what it was like to feel well, to feel good, to have energy and vitality--to have ANY energy and vitality.  There I am, in pain, discarding hopelessness when possible.  Depression often wins, and it sure as hell tried to win yesterday and last night.  When did I become so susceptible to the whims of drug-induced thinking?  Since Prednisone, that's when.  I know this, and yet it's nearly impossible to distinguish the difference between what I really feel or am experiencing, emotion-wise, and the effects of my body scrambling to handle things without cortisol. People, I promise you, cortisol is absolutely necessary.

What I need at this time is for T to get his shit together and stop looking at what I'm going through as... well, as nothing.  Fat chance of that happening, which means I'm left to my own devices, and I don't have much in the way of devices these days.  My thoughts on this are pretty basic.  When someone is sick, especially THIS sick, it calls for change... even if temporary.  He doesn't change with the circumstances, and it's creating some serious havoc with my emotions and health.  How the flip do I deal with that?  Ugh.  Okay, so I'm really way off track here...

If normal had a job I'd have to say it didn't show up to work today.  Or yesterday.

OMG, seriously... this is too much.

The O-M-G of L-I-F-E.

My brain isn't work very well today, as there seems to be a possible drug reaction of some kind going on.  Being ON prednisone, or coming OFF prednisone, or even the addition or accumulation of another medication in my system, something else entirely going on; no matter the cause, it MUST be addressed.  Soon.

After calling the after-hours number for my liver specialist I now have an early morning appointment tomorrow to see him to address whatever is going on.  Swelling in my face has progressed to my eyes, and with everything I am I know this isn't normal, not even for Prednisone, which is notorious for causing facial 'roundness' etc.  This is way more than that, causing headache, muscle stiffness, and a few other undesirable symptoms.  I have a very good specialist, btw, and I know he is doing everything he can to help me with the AIH and any drug side effects etc.  I totally trust him as a doctor.

Over the last few days I've had to go back to bed at least twice a day.  It's not like I don't resist the urge and try to keep busy, because I do put it off as long as possible.  Yet there ultimately comes a time when I can't fight the weakness etc. and have to lay down.  It sucks, it really really sucks, but when I reach that point there is absolutely no option.  I'm hoping my appointment tomorrow will shed some light and find a resolution to whatever is going on so I can begin to feel better again.

I would also like to not have the "OMG what now?" thing as a constant, daily occurrence.  I would like to not have my day sliced into tiny sections where I'm just trying to get from one little portion of my day to the next and wondering how I'll manage to keep going.  Relaxing isn't even relaxing anymore, because within a few moments of sitting or laying down I realize that there's nothing at all that is ever comfortable, and all becomes painful at some point.  I mean, WTF?

LIFE is a four-letter word.

Smells Like BS.

If you've read my other blogs you can probably see me struggling to maintain emotional homeostasis.    I've only just decided to admit, again, that I'm depressed.  I'm not talking about the kind of depression that makes it so you can't function AT ALL, but the kind that knocks you on your ass as you wake up every day and try again and keep going, despite the obstacles.  I wake up and have one absolute goal, and that's to Persefuckingvere!  I mean, what else is there at this point?

I don't need people telling me everything's fine, I'll be okay, they 'understand' (when they absolutely don't).  I don't need canned platitudes and niceties, nor do I need anyone's silence either.  In fact, the silence is probably the greatest unkindness of all.  Wouldn't you agree?  I mean, silence is preferable than the standard BS people love to dish out, but it's harmful in its own way, believe me.

Social networking is fraught with a filtered indifference and disconnection of people, of humanity.  Why say a kind or supportive or compassionate word when you can just find the right meme... or say nothing at all while posting 30 more cat pictures?  Hey, I LOVE animals, have taken in rescues (my basset hound and last living ferret are rescues), but I still know how to maintain my human connections while still loving animals.  But something happens to people when they try to 'connect' through social media; we all see it, feel it, experience it on a daily basis on Facebook, and to a lesser degree on Twitter.

I've deactivated my original FB account a couple of years ago over relationship drama.  And I've since RE-activated that profile but haven't gone in to clean house in order to begin using it again.  I really need to do that, because it's going to be a lot like moving into a better neighborhood when I do.  WHY I ever allowed myself to be bullied to the extent of deactivating my FB account and creating another... isn't completely lost on me, though I wish I had stood my ground at the time.  Oh well.  That was then, this is now, and it's time.

In no way am I looking for 'meaningful connections' on Facebook, and here's why:

Experience has taught me that even the people you know IRL often fall prey to the disconnected mindset that comes with relying too much on social media networks to maintain a friendship or any kind of relationship.  Nowhere else is it more apparent who your friends REALLY are than in the realm of social media.  People don't have your back, ignore important posts and miss pretty much anything in your life that's going on that you find the courage to share.  For some, the drama postings are proliferate as they either rant and rave about someone or some situation, or they take the passive/aggressive approach with cryptic messages and memes.  I call BS on anyone who does this.

Either grow a pair and face me with what you have to say OR STHU already.

And people will post their cryptic messages knowing their 'supporters' will descend to comment and commiserate.  Boy, have I seen this in action before, and it's the main reason I deactivated my original FB account.  It was nauseating to see grown adults behaving like Jr. High school kids.  I was done with the drama, sick of the BS, and was finding myself with waning trust, respect, and love for the person who was doing this.  Even I can take only so much for so long.

Just hoping I will have the strength and energy today to update and 'move in' to my old profile again.

Dealing With Whiners.

Yep, when it's election time, God forbid you should EVER post your views on squishy social network sites like Facebook.  While I know FB has it's place in people's lives, it's become one of those places where people literally turn into robots who post and repost while not really interacting with others or sharing any of their true thoughts or feelings, etc.  People are intimidated by their own feed.  Go figure.

Luckily, FB has an 'un-follow' option.  Though sadly, few people take advantage of this.  For me, I don't really feel the need to unfollow someone if I don't like their posts.  If things are really that bad and annoying.. a good healthy block does the trick nicely.  I guess this is a rarity as well since I possess the ability to scroll past those posts I don't care for.  Yes, there are exceptions, such as passive-aggressive posts aimed at you personally, the kind that makes you wonder why that person can't just have the cojones to block or unfollow.  I'll never understand that whole passive/aggressive thing, to tell you the truth.  It really just looks like a coward's way out.

So I've decided to try something a little different...

When I post anything political, I follow it with a phrase: "Oh, for those who don't like political posts.." and end that phrase with something entirely unimportant, nonsensical, and dull.  When the time comes where someone asks exactly WHY I'm doing that, I will simply tell them it's for people who can't handle anything more than the endless river of memes and selfies and pointless posts about what they ate or their workout routine or new haircut...posts that really say nothing at all, mean nothing at all.  And it's true.  I like the cute animal videos as much as anyone, but if you never have anything real to say at all... what's the point?  To each his/her own, which really IS the point.

You have no idea how many times I scroll endlessly through my feed to find something of substance, something that connects me in some way, ANY way to the person who's posting.  I've found my time on FB has dwindled and mostly from sheer boredom.

Yesterday was the last straw.  I can't stand shallow and pedantic.  And yes, those can co-exist at exactly the same time, and when they do.. it's not in the least amusing.

This is my rant for today.  Do know that if you post selfies and pics of what you ate or any of the things I listed above--that doesn't mean I think it's stupid or irritating.  I post vids and pics and memes etc as well.  Understand that the real irritating part is when that's ALL that's EVER posted IN ADDITION to whining and complaining about others who post something real.. because you're forced to either scroll past or deal with the butthurt you feel when my views differ from your own.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T changes everything.  Respect when a person posts something.  Stop taking things personally when it's not about you---Not everything is about YOU.  And stop posting on the things you don't like while NOT posting on the things you do.  And yes, I know when you like something (duh!), especially when you hit the "Like" button and repost!

The above isn't aimed at anyone in particular, but if you're feelings are stinging about now.. you actually may be one of the guilty.  Just saying...  Give it some thought and look at it from my side.  You just may see yourself differently when you do.