Trust me when I say... it's taken me from approximately 7:20am to 10:37am JUST to calm down enough to write. Waking to indifference each day is grating on my nerves and sucking the life out of my life. I'm not in the greatest of moods at the moment, and I'm not about to pretend I am. It's been one HELL of a morning... let's just start there, shall we?
Okay, so all of my life I've believed that the old saying "Anything worth doing is worth doing RIGHT" is a damn good foundation for anyone's life. Half-Assing ANYTHING reveals a lot about a person. And by 'half-assing" I mean not putting everything you have into what you're doing. Not to say your "everything" may not be on the same level every day, but putting in 100% of what you can is all anyone can really ask. And why not? Why would anyone do anything less than 100%? When you take shortcuts you leave someone else to make up the difference in distance you weren't willing to go.
NOTE: As always, unless I'm writing something aimed at someone in particular... the word "You" is used loosely and not meant to point fingers at anyone here.
My health is bad--I've spoken of this a lot in my blogs. Dealing with one confirmed AI disease (AIH) and going through the paces of confirming a second means.. I'm NOT in remission. I won't BE in remission for a very long time (I'm told). The blood work COULD very well improve, the numbers will improve and possibly quickly, but 'remission' is more than numbers. I won't go into all of that, but suffice it to say every single day is a battle to get through. So here I am living with someone who, by nature, does ONLY what he can get away with and not a scintilla more. What does this mean? It means I have to take up the slack. I not only have to do what I need and have to do, but I have to take up the slack from what he only does PART-WAY.
Half-Assers are a HUGE pet peeve of mine!
Look, I realize there will be days, times, and situations where you may have to take a short cut or do what you can in that moment. But I also know that there are things that HAVE to be done correctly, thoroughly. I mean, you can only short-cut your way through things until you end up with a completely and totally chaotic mess that SOMEONE ELSE will ultimately have to deal with. Why the hell would you do this to someone, especially someone you claim to "love"?
This morning, like so many mornings (every morning!) I found myself forcing my way through cleaning up after T. And I mean, cleaning up as in it takes me some 45-hour JUST to pick up the slack of his half-assed whatever. Have I spoken to him about this? Of course I have, and 2 years ago, when it really began, I was very calm, loving, and discussed the matter with him in hopes he would see what he was doing. I mean, he's a grown up, and I'm not his mom. He can pick up after himself, because he's no Ward Cleaver and doesn't treat me like Joan. The family of the 1950's and 1960's are GONE. Marriage and relationships aren't centered around women being in servitude.
Now, women who are treated with respect, treated kindly, appreciated.. will do almost anything for their guys. It's how we're wired. We're wired to be caretakers, caregivers, at least most of us. However, when taken advantage of we often will begin to back off from all those things we once did easily, eagerly, and happily. When taken for granted... we don't see any reason to continue giving when there's only taking from the other side.
And please, don't confuse this 'give and take' with material things or money, etc. Because those things don't bring happiness, not ever. What I'm talking about here is doing one's part in the relationship without placing the blinders on and thinking it's really just all about the other person doing all the work.
I've been in a relationship where everything was dumped solely on my shoulders. People who know me, who pay attention, find out quickly that I can't be bought. You can't buy your way out of unhappiness. You just can't. Being poor and happy is FAR FAR superior than being well-off and miserable. Money can't get rid of unhappiness.. I really can't stress that enough.
Doing your part, that's what it's about. Not placing necessary pressure or expectations on the other person is what it's about. Respecting the other person's time is what it's about. And soooooo much more, or course. But when it comes to half-assing your way through chores because you know the other person will take up the slack for you... that's a sure-fire way to turn that person off, long-term. And good damn luck getting them to be turned on again.
Being taken advantage of is not good foreplay.
Being taken for granted is not good foreplay.
Doing and not doing things that make the other person's life more difficult.. is not good foreplay.
Being overtly, blatantly lazy isn't sexy.
Indifference isn't sexy.
Ignoring someone isn't sexy.
Not respecting the other person's space, time, and needs isn't sexy, nor is it good foreplay.
Being mean, hateful, abusive.. isn't sexy, and it makes for LOUSY foreplay.
You treat me like shit, I'm going to shut down.
You abuse me, mentally, verbally, or physically.. and I'm going to shut down and NOT be into you.
Take me for granted and I'll stop doing things for you.
It's taken me years to get to this point, and I've been a welcome mat for a couple of people and won't ever allow myself to do that again. I don't need anyone THAT much. If I'm treated badly, eventually I won't feel anything at all for you, and you're going to find out that you really just can't un-ring that bell.
You can't buy me or my love. I'm not for sale. If you do something you claim is out of kindness or whatever, and you use it against me later.. you've given your true motive away! Once I SEE you, what and who you REALLY are, I won't be able to see that 'other' person ever again. Once you blow it, you blow it.
T is lucky in that there's still about 2% hope here. This morning was just about the final straw, but I fought and worked my way past it, and I'm telling you it was DIFFICULT! He knew, too. He knew the moment I pointed out to him what he'd done. He tried to backpedal, tried to reassure himself that he'd not blown it VIA me. But what was done was done, and the disingenuous nature of what he did wasn't lost on me at all, and it broke something inside and change, again, the way I see him and feel about him. Being disingenuous is exactly like lying, and I'm DONE being okay with men who lie to me, either by omission or right-out. DONE.
That 2% of me that is still open to his finding a solution and fixing the whole disingenuous thing is stretched very thin. He's running out of time.
Honesty and respect are MORE important than love. My last relationship taught me that, opened my eyes to the fact that without those first two things.. LOVE CAN'T EXIST! Love CANNOT exist in the absence of honesty and respect.
Besides struggling through a VERY PAINFUL morning trying to finish half-assed attempts at whatever, I also had to deal with the tuning me out thing, the thing where he pretends to vaguely respond because he knows he didn't hear a thing I just said. No matter... I don't repeat myself anymore. I do let him know, however, that I get that he didn't hear me and that all the begging in the world to repeat myself isn't going to make me do so. After a year or more of this not listening/tuning me out thing.. I've grown intolerant to it. I've told him that, fine, if he's that disinterested in what I have to say then I'll simply 'tell someone who gives a shit.' He doesn't like it, but it's no longer about what HE likes and doesn't like anymore. I've taken the first step in getting MY life back, replacing the disrespect he shows towards me with my own SELF-RESPECT; something I really should've done a long, long time ago. Better late than never, I say.
So this morning was NOT a good morning. But I'm going to spend the remainder of my day taking care of myself, focusing on what I can do to help myself heal, and incorporating those things that will protect me from further harm from anyone, especially from the person I'm living with. Yes, I still have to work through the damage from the past relationship, but that's already underway and will help with my current situation.
Well, that's where I am today. It will get better, and I will keep persevering... as long as I can.
