Getting it all off my chest....

Well, it's a little cathartic to be able to vent, to scrutinize, to assess, to get it all out when something's bothering me.  If you want to know exactly what I'm talking about... it's HERE.  PART I and PART II were needed as this was, well, you'll see if you're curious enough to go there and read.  The discussion was about Beta men vs Alpha men and the necessary balance of power in a relationship.  I'm past that now, moving on, and wondering what the hell I'm going to do about my life as it is at the moment... not much of a life at all.  Aren't I always struggling with this?  Don't answer.

Exhaustion overcomes on the other side of stress.  I'm pretty much there at the moment and fighting like hell to defeat its encroachment.  What I'm left with is a familiar struggle to find my strength and focus again.  It's okay.  It is what it is.

I have to face each day like I don't remember the one before.  I can't allow myself to have any regrets, or allow the sense that I lost yet another 24 hours of my life.  There aren't any do-overs.  What I do is wake and think to myself.. "Today is the day."  It's a mantra of sorts, and one that has yet to actually work.

I'm spent.  Working on those two hefty entries has left me with virtually nothing.  So, if you're curious... click on the link above to read the most of today's crapola.

Anger? Surprise? Inspiration at its worst? WTH?

REPOST from my other blog(s):

Sometimes I get a spark of something that inspires me.  Such inspiration doesn't always present itself in the best way, though, but I usually try to go with it when it happens.  Such gems shouldn't be taken for granted but taken advantage of.  It really is that rare.

In the midst of fighting for every drop of energy that can be found wherever it is I can find it, a tiny burst will make its way into the day and nudge me.  Okay, I can certainly deal with that.  Wish there were MORE of it, but I'll take what I can get and go with it nonetheless.

The fuel for this little 'fire' isn't from a good source, definitely not a positive force, and most definitely not from a pleasant source.  Be that as it may, there it is... kind of like when your dog has an accident and you're left looking at it wondering to yourself what you did to deserve such a... 'gift'? lol  Okay, okay... enough with lame attempts at comedy.  Even so, the conversation with a friend of mine earlier today was what ignited this whatever-it-is and sent me on a journey to try and put my thoughts in order.  I found the results of that rather.. lacking.

All this blabbering, to be honest, is just my working through it all.  Not the conversation, because that was interesting and creatively invigorating.  But the chaos I'm dealing within the thought process at the moment is simply trying to pull together the shards of data that's left from past experience.  Anyone who understands this knows where I'm coming from.  G knows.  She gets it.  And, from what I read on her blog(s)... she's been able to run with it without tripping like a clown every step of the way that I've been.  Eh.  I'm still confident that this purging will eliminate the chaff and reveal the good stuff.  I'll be back to discuss that when it happens.

The Art of ASSumption & The Most Powerful Thing To Be...

I spent the last 1/2 hour or so talking on the phone to a friend of mine, who also has a blog as well, and we talked about life, health, girl stuff, and so on.  During the course of the conversation, and as the conversation settled into more meaningful, deeper topics... we both came to the realization that scrutiny is good, and ASSumption is bad.  Okay.  Sounds silly when you put it like that, but why confuse the issue with pretty words?

Somewhere between acquiring information and implementing reason something can go very, very awry, and the consequences aren't anything to write home about.  So why do people fall prey to the rather weak lure of assumption when the truth is often, though not always, fairly interesting?  G and I concluded that we definitely are in the middle of a dung-pile of thrill-seekers who can't handle being removed from the most caustic drama available.  And when it's not available... they set about constructing the facade that will most assist them in their endeavor to be shocked, appalled, thrilled, and mortified.  How crazy is that?  Well, maybe it's not crazy at all.

Humans thrive on drama.  Whether you have drama in your life or not, and it doesn't matter who's fault the drama is, people just can't seem to help themselves when said drama isn't up to par for their taste.  It takes talent, G and I agree on this, and we believe that in all seriousness people hone and perfect this skill that is not at all unlike mental heroin.  Once people try it.. they can't do without it, and when their 'stash' of drama runs low, or it's just not doing it anymore for them, they have to enhance it somehow.

Right before G and I hung up so we could, you know, blog about it (grin)... we both thought there was, in so many ways, a certain kind of power with being honest with blogging AND life.  When you realize your advantage, when it finally hits you that you're actually in a position power... the anger against having ASSumption being projected on you... that's the moment you win.

The most powerful thing to be, hands-down, is underestimated.

Now, this isn't anything new.  I've known this, as most do, my whole life.  Or at least fairly early on at some point... usually in childhood.  Even if we don't recognize it right off deep in our gut we know.  The first time someone doesn't believe us when we're telling the truth--realization sets in.  And either then, or later on in life, at some point in time... you understand fully that the moment people don't give you credit for having intelligence is the moment they relinquish their own power.. to you.

People who don't respect you try, even subconsciously, to discredit you.  This is a very strong form of underestimation of you as a person.  This means they underestimate you, therefore, can't predict what you will say, do, or think at any moment in any situation.  The mistrust they infuse doesn't move beyond themselves and, therefore... they weaken their own ability to 'keep up.'  My question in all of this is.. "Why on earth would they deliberately assume the position of weakness?"  Well, that's something only those people can answer.

I can be amused by all of this easily.  However, as G and I agreed, there's a certain element of pity that comes into play when you realize that when people choose to inject ASSumption into truth that their lives must become terribly distorted as a result.  How can anyone find anything good if the distortion becomes a barrier to actual communication?

At this moment I can visualize G blogging away frantically---excited to know she's not as powerless as she once thought.  It was a good conversation.

Off to re-post on my other blogs, then to read G's blog...

What a weird freaking day.

The O-M-G of L-I-F-E.

My brain isn't work very well today, as there seems to be a possible drug reaction of some kind going on.  Being ON prednisone, or coming OFF prednisone, or even the addition or accumulation of another medication in my system, something else entirely going on; no matter the cause, it MUST be addressed.  Soon.

After calling the after-hours number for my liver specialist I now have an early morning appointment tomorrow to see him to address whatever is going on.  Swelling in my face has progressed to my eyes, and with everything I am I know this isn't normal, not even for Prednisone, which is notorious for causing facial 'roundness' etc.  This is way more than that, causing headache, muscle stiffness, and a few other undesirable symptoms.  I have a very good specialist, btw, and I know he is doing everything he can to help me with the AIH and any drug side effects etc.  I totally trust him as a doctor.

Over the last few days I've had to go back to bed at least twice a day.  It's not like I don't resist the urge and try to keep busy, because I do put it off as long as possible.  Yet there ultimately comes a time when I can't fight the weakness etc. and have to lay down.  It sucks, it really really sucks, but when I reach that point there is absolutely no option.  I'm hoping my appointment tomorrow will shed some light and find a resolution to whatever is going on so I can begin to feel better again.

I would also like to not have the "OMG what now?" thing as a constant, daily occurrence.  I would like to not have my day sliced into tiny sections where I'm just trying to get from one little portion of my day to the next and wondering how I'll manage to keep going.  Relaxing isn't even relaxing anymore, because within a few moments of sitting or laying down I realize that there's nothing at all that is ever comfortable, and all becomes painful at some point.  I mean, WTF?

LIFE is a four-letter word.

Smells Like BS.

If you've read my other blogs you can probably see me struggling to maintain emotional homeostasis.    I've only just decided to admit, again, that I'm depressed.  I'm not talking about the kind of depression that makes it so you can't function AT ALL, but the kind that knocks you on your ass as you wake up every day and try again and keep going, despite the obstacles.  I wake up and have one absolute goal, and that's to Persefuckingvere!  I mean, what else is there at this point?

I don't need people telling me everything's fine, I'll be okay, they 'understand' (when they absolutely don't).  I don't need canned platitudes and niceties, nor do I need anyone's silence either.  In fact, the silence is probably the greatest unkindness of all.  Wouldn't you agree?  I mean, silence is preferable than the standard BS people love to dish out, but it's harmful in its own way, believe me.

Social networking is fraught with a filtered indifference and disconnection of people, of humanity.  Why say a kind or supportive or compassionate word when you can just find the right meme... or say nothing at all while posting 30 more cat pictures?  Hey, I LOVE animals, have taken in rescues (my basset hound and last living ferret are rescues), but I still know how to maintain my human connections while still loving animals.  But something happens to people when they try to 'connect' through social media; we all see it, feel it, experience it on a daily basis on Facebook, and to a lesser degree on Twitter.

I've deactivated my original FB account a couple of years ago over relationship drama.  And I've since RE-activated that profile but haven't gone in to clean house in order to begin using it again.  I really need to do that, because it's going to be a lot like moving into a better neighborhood when I do.  WHY I ever allowed myself to be bullied to the extent of deactivating my FB account and creating another... isn't completely lost on me, though I wish I had stood my ground at the time.  Oh well.  That was then, this is now, and it's time.

In no way am I looking for 'meaningful connections' on Facebook, and here's why:

Experience has taught me that even the people you know IRL often fall prey to the disconnected mindset that comes with relying too much on social media networks to maintain a friendship or any kind of relationship.  Nowhere else is it more apparent who your friends REALLY are than in the realm of social media.  People don't have your back, ignore important posts and miss pretty much anything in your life that's going on that you find the courage to share.  For some, the drama postings are proliferate as they either rant and rave about someone or some situation, or they take the passive/aggressive approach with cryptic messages and memes.  I call BS on anyone who does this.

Either grow a pair and face me with what you have to say OR STHU already.

And people will post their cryptic messages knowing their 'supporters' will descend to comment and commiserate.  Boy, have I seen this in action before, and it's the main reason I deactivated my original FB account.  It was nauseating to see grown adults behaving like Jr. High school kids.  I was done with the drama, sick of the BS, and was finding myself with waning trust, respect, and love for the person who was doing this.  Even I can take only so much for so long.

Just hoping I will have the strength and energy today to update and 'move in' to my old profile again.