I'm here. I thought I would have to lay down and shut down for a while like I did yesterday (boy, was that something). It's funny how anxiety can over-stimulate and shut one down in a brief time, and at this time I'm waiting for the shut-down part. Honestly, I was gearing up for just a minor reboot, something I can achieve at times with just laying down and listening to some music for a bit. However, that was quickly kicked to the curb by finding yet something else T had 'half-assed.' Trust me, if he were a superhero like Spiderman, 'Half-assing' would definitely be his Spidey Power.
My mom, like most parents I believe, taught me "Anything worth doing is worth doing right." Even as a child this made sense to me, so I usually went an extra step or two in doing most everything. So how is it that someone my age, who claims his parents taught him manners etc, makes half-assing (among other things) something to strive for? I just don't get it.
I find myself each day dotting the 'i's and crossing the 't's, things T leaves for me like I'm his mother. And the worst of the half-assing is when it comes to a blatant lack of appreciation for something he paid money for. Never mind, for the moment, the truly important things in life he half-asses. Let's just stick to the material goods that somehow doesn't seem to be important enough to take care of. And yes, this is VERY much important.
The sunroom here at this new house is really quite lovely, and through the coldest months and days (which aren't over yet) the boxes containing the large, round ottoman, the plastic bags that contained the cushion covers, and the boxes that contained the cushions sat outside and awaiting assembly. I can certainly understand maybe not wanting to put everything together while it's freezing outside, especially when there's no promise of milder days in which to enjoy sitting outside. But now that we've had a string of days in the high 60's and even mid 70's I didn't really see any reason to not assemble the patio furniture and make us of the sunroom. We moved in while it was cold (November), and now it's time to get things put together.
Over the past couple of weeks I've asked T to put the patio furniture together--something that is REALLY easy since there's no real 'assembly' involved except for attaching the legs to the base of the big ottoman. The chairs don' t need assembly, and all of the 'work' involved is putting the cushion covers on the cushions; a relatively easy job for anyone who isn't sick.
I didn't get a chance to see what he'd done until a short while ago, and wow... it really looks like a 10yr old put the cushion covers on. I mean, wow. To be truthful, it looks awful, right there on the verge of embarrassing. It's a mess. When he came into the kitchen to get something to drink I brought it up to him (he's working from home today), and the only thing he said was... "It was kind of hard to...." I guess I'll have to have him bring the cushions indoors so I can fix them myself. Won't be easy with all the weakness in my arms, etc., but... I'm willing to try so the foam cushions aren't ruined by being bent and twisted inside the covers.
Honestly, I've known very few men in my life that will spend money on something and not care whether it's going to be ruined or not. In fact, with it comes to patio furniture, outdoor grills, and yard work... most men I've known in my life care enough to take a great deal and take pride in taking care of and maintain those things. Why does T half-ass everything, including the yard work? Well, I honestly couldn't tell you. It's really a huge mystery to me. I have to light MULTIPLE fires under his ass to get anything done. I just---don't---get it.
I've begged T to hire someone to do the yard work, even had to beg him to hire a 'handyman' that can help me with some other things around here. Why? Because he won't do it himself without WEEKS of prodding (no exaggeration), and that's IF he does it at all. He won't even finish the yard work when he does do anything out there, which I also don't understand. It's not a small yard (the back is relatively small), but it's not a giant yard either. I'm lucky to get him to mow the front yard, much less take care of shrubs, rake leaves, etc. I just don't know what to do, short of calling around and hiring somebody myself.
This is really, really stressful. Among all the other things I have to contend with, this is just so so so draining. I don't trust him, because he lies to me, outright and by omission, and fails miserably to follow-through with whatever task he begins. Oh, how I wish I wear at least as healthy as I was about 3-4 years ago so I could just do it myself. I could get it done. But I can't. I just can't.
Men constantly complain about women "nagging" them. Well, in MY situation, it's either nag (in this case BEG) for things to be done OR hire someone else to do it, someone who will not only get the job done
but do it right!
I hate to say it, but I'm poised at this point to take it upon myself to hire someone who can come here and do a few odd jobs, someone else to take care of the lawn that's been ignored. T has made it clear he's incapable, and I just don't have the strength to keep begging and begging. Shrubs that were supposed to be trimmed in the back yard in December or January are still untrimmed.
I'm the type of person to get things done that need done. Everything from making my bed every day to sweeping and vacuuming on a daily basis (I have a Basset Hound who sheds), and making sure to dust (I have a bad dust allergy), make sure dishes are washed or in the dishwasher, cleaning the bathrooms on a weekly basis, etc... those things I've always made sure were done. I don't like living in a nasty home and it becomes a TERRIBLE stressed to face a dirty house, sneezing and running nose with sinus headaches due to too much dust... oh boy, I can't even begin to express how it just wreaks havoc on my peace of mind.
I don't fault anyone for being a messy housekeeper. It's not my place to tell anyone or judge. But when it comes to MY personal living space, my home, and my health... I do draw the line.
For the past couple of weeks or so my eyes have been SEVERELY swollen with black circles, very dark black circles under my eyes, and crippling headaches due to allergy flair-ups that OTC Claritin has yet to even touch. My eyes are red, itchy and sore, and I haven't had a decent night's sleep due to the congestion. T offered to sweep and vacuum---which takes approximately 7-10 minutes, literally only 7-10 minutes, but he conveniently 'forgets.' He forgets even when I've gone through a fortune in tissues due to constantly blowing my nose. I try to sweep what I can, but it's getting where I can't do it anymore... and I need someone's help. T promises to help, then he breaks his promise.. then wonders why I don't trust him anymore.
I totally understand oversight. I totally get being too tired, etc. But what I have issues with is that he promises to do these things then 'conveniently' forgets...
for days and days and weeks.
He doesn't understand at all when I tell him I'm not sure how long I can stay here, with him, in this life. He behaves desperately when I am blunt and tell him that I'm getting sicker here and need to be around people who care about me, people who can help me now and then with things I honestly can't do myself right now. He says he can do it, that he cares, that he loves me, etc. And yet I continue to get sicker with problems that can easily be avoided altogether by taking 7-10 minutes out of his day to help. If he can't or doesn't WANT to help, then he should say so and allow me to get someone who can. And yes, I've discussed this with him and used those exact words.
I've told T he doesn't HAVE to help me, that he doesn't HAVE to do anything at all. No one can make him do anything he doesn't want to do, including me, and I have no desire to force him to do anything. But it doesn't change the fact that I can't breathe, I can't sleep, that my eyes are horribly swollen and painful and somewhat due to my allergies.
Ever seen anyone in the throes of allergies without the benefit of medication? Yeah, it's a pretty miserable sight. And what it FEELS like is much worse than what it looks like. I'm miserable with prednisone and prednisone-withdrawal symptoms, which include swelling in the face and eyes and many other lovely symptoms, so I do NOT need to add allergy symptoms on top of it all. Prednisone helps inflammation, even that due to allergies. During withdrawal from Prednisone allergy symptoms can be FAR WORSE than ever before, and that's what's happening now. I can't let the dust etc. build up throughout the house because it's making things 1,000 times worse.
Yes, I'm upset. I feel horrible, and much of what's making me feel horrible can be avoided. Oh well. I guess I just ask too much, huh?
Time to ask around and search for someone who can help around here with household jobs and yard work. I'm done waiting.... just done.
Dear God, please make me well so I can be strong enough to take my life back... even if it means leaving here....
