Handle this, handle that, forget what it does to your soul.

I told myself that I could handle this today.  I promised myself I would at least try.  And I did, try.  I can't say I'm handling things well at all, because.. to be truthful.. I'm not.  But I'm trying.  Do I really believe I'm strong enough to get past this whatever-it-is?  Now that's the million dollar question, isn't it?

Forget it.  The whole idea of just "enduring" life is ridiculous and not something anyone should try on purpose.  I don't think anyone does, you know, do that on purpose.  Most of us are catapulted directly at the bullseye of defeat by forces we can't possibly overcome much less stop.  Some give in.  Some give up.  Some are caught between the two.  And me.. I've no freaking idea where I am in this mess.  I just know I don't like it here.  And why should anyone have to be where their soul, spirit fades beneath the gray?

Know when to get out while your spirit still has its wings.

Oh, BTW....

Oh, about that last post----I realized I should've put that in "This Free Spirit," so... you'll most likely find it there, too.....

Yeah, I'm a bit of a mess today.  No doubt about it.

This is what happens when health deteriorates.

Seriously.

No joke.

Hey, everyone has bad days.

I have many bad days, huh?

*snort*

Friday Lost Meaning.

Fridays, when you're unable to work or do anything, when you're house-bound by illness (even if temporary) loses its meaning and becomes yet just another day of the week.  It's true.  I'm not exactly sure when Fridays actually meant anything to me, to tell you the truth, and I'm not exactly sure how to make Fridays (or weekends) special again.  Ah, who cares, right?

Yeah, that's kind of where I am today, muddling over the broken artifacts of a life I used to live.

Blah.  Damn prednisone.

Laugher is about the only thing that gets me from point A to point B from one day to the next, and if I can't make Fridays special, I can at least make them funny.  Right?

Yeah.  That's what I'm telling myself today. ;p

Outside of Normal.

NOTE: The font is wonky.  Blogger having odd formatting issues today.

Into my third cup of coffee while waiting for the prednisone withdrawal migraine to subside, I'm considering what my life will be like once I obtain "normal," whatever the hell that is.  Normal has been so absent in my life that I'm not even sure I'd recognize it if it slapped me in the face.  Honestly, who ares about 'normal' if you feel good?  Yeah--that's really kind of where I'm going with this.

At night, or during the day when I don't feel well, I lay down to appease the demands of my body and listen to music in hopes of remembering what it was like to feel well, to feel good, to have energy and vitality--to have ANY energy and vitality.  There I am, in pain, discarding hopelessness when possible.  Depression often wins, and it sure as hell tried to win yesterday and last night.  When did I become so susceptible to the whims of drug-induced thinking?  Since Prednisone, that's when.  I know this, and yet it's nearly impossible to distinguish the difference between what I really feel or am experiencing, emotion-wise, and the effects of my body scrambling to handle things without cortisol. People, I promise you, cortisol is absolutely necessary.

What I need at this time is for T to get his shit together and stop looking at what I'm going through as... well, as nothing.  Fat chance of that happening, which means I'm left to my own devices, and I don't have much in the way of devices these days.  My thoughts on this are pretty basic.  When someone is sick, especially THIS sick, it calls for change... even if temporary.  He doesn't change with the circumstances, and it's creating some serious havoc with my emotions and health.  How the flip do I deal with that?  Ugh.  Okay, so I'm really way off track here...

If normal had a job I'd have to say it didn't show up to work today.  Or yesterday.

OMG, seriously... this is too much.

OMG WW, WTF?

So if you saw my post in my "Boo's Juicy Bits" blog, you have a pretty good idea about where on the scale of frustration my meter's stuck at today.  Really.  As captivating as anxiety and stress is, I think I'll pass on that juicy bit today, thanks.  But dammit, the price is just too high, thanks to Weight Watchers and their constantly-changing diet plan--that used to NOT be like a 'diet' at all!  OMG, WW, WTF?!

I'm stepping past that for a moment in an attempt to get my bearings on things.  I'm working against prednisone weight gain here, and dammit if I don't have to PAY WW to be on a plan that makes little sense these days.  Crap, there I go again.  Enough of the WW talk---what do I do now?

Dang, but I'm tired of that question.

Okay, so is it not apparent that the question never changes from day to day?  Of course it is.  And every evening I go to bed convinced that tomorrow I'll approach things very differently, focus on something different in order to find solutions.  And then every morning I wake up to the same feeling of...

FKThisStupidDayandOMGEverythingSucksAndEveryoneSTFUAlreadyOMG!

Now that I have THAT out of my system...

All I want is to feel better, like a normal, healthy human being, to be able to do what I need to do, to work, to thrive, to survive.  Except, that last part is in opposition to all the other things, like working and junk.  I have to take these serious medications in order to survive, and yet I feel like I'm doing anything BUT that.  WTFAS??

Battling the prednisone bulge, water retention that I SWEAR could sink an intact Titanic, cravings that are absolutely out of this world, and the muscle weakness that absolutely refuses to abate; how's that for a fun time?

Over the last several days I'm dealing with the weakness that makes my arms and legs shake, that feels a whole lot like my blood sugar is crashing--though I know it's not.  My labs, my BG, was great last checked, so I doubt very seriously this shaking is from that.  So what then?  Myositis?  Okay, okay, okay... I did say I was going to focus on something else.  Guess I should do that--find a youtube video or something, anything, anything at all that will inspire me.  Hope.  Ideas.  Possibility.  Even if it's simply learning more about what I am dealing with, and also what other thing (Myositis) I could be dealing with....

Seriously.

WTH?

Cross-Post Rant ahead!... "I'm done"

Trust me when I say... it's taken me from approximately 7:20am to 10:37am JUST to calm down enough to write.  Waking to indifference each day is grating on my nerves and sucking the life out of my life.  I'm not in the greatest of moods at the moment, and I'm not about to pretend I am.  It's been one HELL of a morning... let's just start there, shall we?

Okay, so all of my life I've believed that the old saying "Anything worth doing is worth doing RIGHT" is a damn good foundation for anyone's life.  Half-Assing ANYTHING reveals a lot about a person.  And by 'half-assing" I mean not putting everything you have into what you're doing.  Not to say your "everything" may not be on the same level every day, but putting in 100% of what you can is all anyone can really ask.  And why not?  Why would anyone do anything less than 100%?  When you take shortcuts you leave someone else to make up the difference in distance you weren't willing to go.

NOTE:  As always, unless I'm writing something aimed at someone in particular... the word "You" is used loosely and not meant to point fingers at anyone here.

My health is bad--I've spoken of this a lot in my blogs.  Dealing with one confirmed AI disease (AIH) and going through the paces of confirming a second means.. I'm NOT in remission.  I won't BE in remission for a very long time (I'm told).  The blood work COULD very well improve, the numbers will improve and possibly quickly, but 'remission' is more than numbers.  I won't go into all of that, but suffice it to say every single day is a battle to get through.  So here I am living with someone who, by nature, does ONLY what he can get away with and not a scintilla more.  What does this mean?  It means I have to take up the slack.  I not only have to do what I need and have to do, but I have to take up the slack from what he only does PART-WAY.

Half-Assers are a HUGE pet peeve of mine!

Look, I realize there will be days, times, and situations where you may have to take a short cut or do what you can in that moment.  But I also know that there are things that HAVE to be done correctly, thoroughly.  I mean, you can only short-cut your way through things until you end up with a completely and totally chaotic mess that SOMEONE ELSE will ultimately have to deal with.  Why the hell would you do this to someone, especially someone you claim to "love"?

This morning, like so many mornings (every morning!) I found myself forcing my way through cleaning up after T.  And I mean, cleaning up as in it takes me some 45-hour JUST to pick up the slack of his half-assed whatever.  Have I spoken to him about this?  Of course I have, and 2 years ago, when it really began, I was very calm, loving, and discussed the matter with him in hopes he would see what he was doing.  I mean, he's a grown up, and I'm not his mom.  He can pick up after himself, because he's no Ward Cleaver and doesn't treat me like Joan.  The family of the 1950's and 1960's are GONE.  Marriage and relationships aren't centered around women being in servitude.

Now, women who are treated with respect, treated kindly, appreciated.. will do almost anything for their guys.  It's how we're wired.  We're wired to be caretakers, caregivers, at least most of us.  However, when taken advantage of we often will begin to back off from all those things we once did easily, eagerly, and happily.  When taken for granted... we don't see any reason to continue giving when there's only taking from the other side.

And please, don't confuse this 'give and take' with material things or money, etc.  Because those things don't bring happiness, not ever.  What I'm talking about here is doing one's part in the relationship without placing the blinders on and thinking it's really just all about the other person doing all the work.

I've been in a relationship where everything was dumped solely on my shoulders.  People who know me, who pay attention, find out quickly that I can't be bought.  You can't buy your way out of unhappiness.  You just can't.  Being poor and happy is FAR FAR superior than being well-off and miserable.  Money can't get rid of unhappiness.. I really can't stress that enough.

Doing your part, that's what it's about.  Not placing necessary pressure or expectations on the other person is what it's about.  Respecting the other person's time is what it's about.  And soooooo much more, or course.  But when it comes to half-assing your way through chores because you know the other person will take up the slack for you... that's a sure-fire way to turn that person off, long-term.  And good damn luck getting them to be turned on again.

Being taken advantage of is not good foreplay.
Being taken for granted is not good foreplay.
Doing and not doing things that make the other person's life more difficult.. is not good foreplay.
Being overtly, blatantly lazy isn't sexy.
Indifference isn't sexy.
Ignoring someone isn't sexy.
Not respecting the other person's space, time, and needs isn't sexy, nor is it good foreplay.
Being mean, hateful, abusive.. isn't sexy, and it makes for LOUSY foreplay.

You treat me like shit, I'm going to shut down.
You abuse me, mentally, verbally, or physically.. and I'm going to shut down and NOT be into you.
Take me for granted and I'll stop doing things for you.

It's taken me years to get to this point, and I've been a welcome mat for a couple of people and won't ever allow myself to do that again.  I don't need anyone THAT much.  If I'm treated badly, eventually I won't feel anything at all for you, and you're going to find out that you really just can't un-ring that bell.

You can't buy me or my love.  I'm not for sale.  If you do something you claim is out of kindness or whatever, and you use it against me later.. you've given your true motive away!  Once I SEE you, what and who you REALLY are, I won't be able to see that 'other' person ever again.  Once you blow it, you blow it.

T is lucky in that there's still about 2% hope here.  This morning was just about the final straw, but I fought and worked my way past it, and I'm telling you it was DIFFICULT!  He knew, too.  He knew the moment I pointed out to him what he'd done.  He tried to backpedal, tried to reassure himself that he'd not blown it VIA me.  But what was done was done, and the disingenuous nature of what he did wasn't lost on me at all, and it broke something inside and change, again, the way I see him and feel about him.  Being disingenuous is exactly like lying, and I'm DONE being okay with men who lie to me, either by omission or right-out.  DONE.

That 2% of me that is still open to his finding a solution and fixing the whole disingenuous thing is stretched very thin.  He's running out of time.

Honesty and respect are MORE important than love.  My last relationship taught me that, opened my eyes to the fact that without those first two things.. LOVE CAN'T EXIST!  Love CANNOT exist in the absence of honesty and respect.

Besides struggling through a VERY PAINFUL morning trying to finish half-assed attempts at whatever, I also had to deal with the tuning me out thing, the thing where he pretends to vaguely respond because he knows he didn't hear a thing I just said.  No matter... I don't repeat myself anymore.  I do let him know, however, that I get that he didn't hear me and that all the begging in the world to repeat myself isn't going to make me do so.  After a year or more of this not listening/tuning me out thing.. I've grown intolerant to it.  I've told him that, fine, if he's that disinterested in what I have to say then I'll simply 'tell someone who gives a shit.'  He doesn't like it, but it's no longer about what HE likes and doesn't like anymore.  I've taken the first step in getting MY life back, replacing the disrespect he shows towards me with my own SELF-RESPECT; something I really should've done a long, long time ago.  Better late than never, I say.

So this morning was NOT a good morning.  But I'm going to spend the remainder of my day taking care of myself, focusing on what I can do to help myself heal, and incorporating those things that will protect me from further harm from anyone, especially from the person I'm living with.  Yes, I still have to work through the damage from the past relationship, but that's already underway and will help with my current situation.

Well, that's where I am today.  It will get better, and I will keep persevering... as long as I can.

Predicting Life from the Sidelines

This is a very bad day today.  I managed to post about some news I learned yesterday, but I did so in my other blog.   And yes, I'm still attempting to post in my blogs by relevance.  Still, there will always be overlapping posts.  Having said that, let me say... I feel like crap today.  I really, really do.  I've had some success with drinking more coffee (hey, whatever works!) until today.  Today, I don't think all the caffein in the world will help.  Dammit.

One more cup; this is how I get through the morning.  I love coffee, don't get me wrong, but I certainly don't want it to be the reason I'm sitting upright each day.  Well, I guess today will be the day when I say coffee WON'T be the reason I'm upright, because it's just not working right now.  I have a feeling I'm edging towards being a limp noodle with the jitters.  Dammit again.

I sit here and feel like sliding off the chair onto the floor in a giant puddle of 'screw it.'  But I can't really allow that to happen, now, can I?  And yet I knew, as I always do, the moment I sat up in bed that today was going to suck to the highest possible power of suckiness.  I want so badly to go back to bed, to lay down, to sleep... to just not have to use my muscles to sit upright.. or walk.. or even stand.

I'm sitting on the sidelines of my own life, trying to predict from one day to the next, one hour to the next how much 'life' I will actually have at any given moment.  My body isn't predictable.  What I do or not do today can, and usually does, affect what happens tomorrow, or a few tomorrows.  If I overdo things, I pay for it.  And when I don't, I still end up paying a price for something I didn't even know I was or wasn't doing.  So what's the point, right?  How in the hell am I supposed to know what to do, what not to do, when doing nothing sometimes is just as bad as doing anything?

I'm really not making much sense here.

I've managed to get out of bed, so there's that.

Dammit.

Really? I mean, really?

What a day.  Would be a better day if I wasn't completely taken over by the new meds, AIH, and resulting 'wheverthehellisgoingon' things I'm dealing with.  New symptoms come on board as I go, and dammit if I don't end up completely befuddled as to what's causing them.  Today, nausea rears its ugly head, and honestly.. I've NO idea WTH is going on NOW.  Meds?  Illness?  Anemia returning?  As for the latter, it certainly would make perfect sense given the symptoms.

Just so doggone tired of all of this stuff.  You know?  And, honestly, I'm pretty tired of the voice in my head that is constantly trying to figure out the why's and wherefores of all that's happening.  Well, at least my Rice Crispies aren't talking to me, right?  There's that at least. lol

Okay, so I'm still able to laugh and smile, but it's not easy to do so.  Weak, shaky, nausea, intense lower back pain (which stopped the last time I had IV iron infusions), taste buds about dead, and my tongue is sore.  *sigh* seriously.  What the actual hell?

Drink this, take that, take it with a full meal, don't take it with this or that, take it at this time... omg...

Sitting here looking at my coffee cup, knowing that I'm down 2 cups and afraid to drink anything.  Will it STAY DOWN if I do, is the burning question.

Phooey.

So yeah, I'm doing a lot of complaining today.  I could just not say anything, but my body is complaining and setting off alarms saying something is still wrong, something isn't right at all, there's something else being missed here.

I know it.  My body knows it.  I don't have to say a thing, but it's there just the same.

....going to try another cup of coffee....