A brief update...

Just because...

Part II: Generally speaking....

Or not so generally speaking.  Whatevs....

Part I: Generally speaking..

NOTE:  So there were some issues with the audio quality, music in the background too loud... anyway, I will replace the original with one that is easier to hear.

Well, this...

So feel like dropping the F bomb a few hundred times today.

Today actually began as a good day, overall, all things considered.  But like far too many other times, the second T gets wind that I'm having a good day, am happy, am smiling, joking, hopeful... like lighting his ego strikes out and ends it all.  If he wasn't hovering about today like one of those cartoon storm clouds I'd be doing an audio, because.. DAMMIT my shoulder hurts.  So be it.  I don't mind 'that' kind of pain.

I needed a couple of warm shirts to wear over the Winter.  Most of my other clothes are still too uncomfortable to wear or just not warm.  Many are just worn out and in need of replacing.  Free shipping to store with 40% off and it's an easy fix.  Ha.  So I thought.  I'm beginning to believe T is hell-bent on not allowing anything at all to be "easy" in any way, shape or form.  With coats on, a few feet from the back door, and I look outside and remembered to remind him (he never remembers ANYTHING on his own) that the newly built deck is in need of sealing.  Deck guy said seal around the 30 day mark, which is now.  It was a reminder, something I thought about as I looked out the breakfast nook window on our way out.  And that is as far as we made it.

His replay was short and as snotty as a hormonal 13 year old girl.  He lashed out, was ugly as hell about it, and transformed into the proverbial nagging 'wife.'  His words stung, struck deep, and... brought tears to my eyes.  The latter is something that doesn't happen often anymore, not since my last relationship which all but buried the good parts of me and drove them crashing inward.  But the tears came silent, without words or any other sound.  Honestly, I just looked back out the window and wondered how such a simple, benign comment would turn him into a complete and utter asshole.

Such is the case with many guys of our generation.  Damn, I should've called this entry "The pussification of mankind," because this seems to happen far too much across the board.  But enough of this fucked up generation.

He immediately followed his hateful outburst to demanding we hurry up and go because he had stuff to do.  Um.  Okay.  The conversation that ensued after is likely just a plethora of minutia that probably won't serve this 'tale' well, so.. I'll leave those details for another, less-emotional entry.  Still,  T just threw himself into tantrum mode and went with it, un-checked.  He was so lost in his own bullshit he didn't even realized I'd pretty much emotionally checked-OUT myself.  The tears had stopped, and I was left absolutely numb on all accounts and sleepy as hell.  Yeah, I recognize the signs of depression well having been here before.

Once again he demanded we leave.  I told him, as I sat there in that lovely numbness, that I was trying to find the willpower to give a shit about going.  And I wasn't lying.  This has been my reaction to most of his crap lately---going numb and just ceasing to care about anything.  I recognize that as well.  So I stood, took off my coat and went to hang it back up in the entryway closet.. with him blabbering away about something I honestly couldn't 'hear' anymore.  'Damn,' I thought... "Did I just tune him out?"  I'm pretty sure I did and wasn't aware of it at first.

I went around the house turning a few lights on, turning the computer on, and raising the thermostat so the heat would also come on.  By that point I was so cold I was shaking, and it took everything I had not to walk into 'my room,' crawl in bed and go to sleep.  I fought it like crazy but ended up falling asleep at the computer trying to watch something on Netflix.  Basically, I shut down.

He's tooling about outside, burning leaves and limbs, etc., which is really what he wanted to do all along.  But instead of being a grownup, a MAN, he chose to be a spoiled child and threw a tantrum instead of saying.. "I have some stuff I need to do, so let's go afterwards or tomorrow."  Is that so fucking hard to say?

I'm numb still, depressed still, and homesick as hell.  This is pretty much how it happens whenever he gets pissy like he did.  I begin missing the only place that felt like 'home' since I was a kid living with my mom.  Not one single place in my life has felt like 'home' until I lived in the apartment in Mobile. God I miss that place so much, MY place.  It was my sanctuary.  It was my home... for almost 13 yrs.

I can't turn back the clock.  I can't get my apartment back.  And I know 100% that this damn house will never ever feel like 'home' to me.  This place has been poisoned by a person who has to control everything including the living, breathing things around him.  I thought my peace, my joy... would be set free if we moved here, away from the city, away from the noise, and into a neighborhood that would feel and sound like what I was used to.  Well, I should've known better.  I should've known that the only way I would ever be at peace is to be with a person who is peaceful.  And I also know how vastly different "INDIFFERENCE" and "PEACEFUL" are.

An indifferent person doesn't give a shit.  A peaceful person cares deeply and strives to maintain peace through doing what's right.  How is it that so many people don't get this?  On many levels I've understood this, though I didn't make the actual comparison until the last 5 years.

Demanding peace, rejecting change, forcing change, and ignoring responsibilities (all of them, including emotional and moral ones) does NOT bring peace but chaos.  Being a control freak not only hurts the person (whether they see it or not), but it also hurts the people closest to them.

The proof is in the pudding, as they say, and this is no exception.

I'm sick to death of fighting my way past T's crap, the debris of his indifference and intolerance.  I've been here before and it stinks to the high heavens like misery.  I reject completely the idea that I have to live in a joyless life, empty and void of all happiness and possibility.

Dammit, but NO ONE deserves to live this way.

I'm trying very hard to not hate men for the first time in my life, and the ONLY saving grace I have in that is I see how my sons turned out, all good, decent, selfless men.  At least their generation has some hope.  Not so much mine.

Part II: Christmas, and the ghosts of relationships past.

...as promised.

PART I: Christmas, and the ghosts of relationships past.

Self-explanatory, yes?

PART II: Malignant Narcissists, Revisited.

By request.... PART II.  Part III is next.

PART I: Malignant Narcissists, Revisited.

This is part one of two.  Part two will be done and uploaded tomorrow....

THE TRAIN - Coldwater Canyon (on CD Baby)

This is by special request. ;)  As for me, yes.. I'm Deplorable and only watch Trump events at RSBN's live stream on YouTube (Wayne Dupree as well).  What can I say... I've been waiting for Trump to run for President since the late 80's when he was asked repeatedly about it.  :D

Text, FB, Email is NOT a respectful way to have important conversations.

NOTE: Audio file isn't the clearest, but I'm working on solving this issue so the next audio blog I post will be a little clearer.  Thanks for your patience.

Audio Blog Continues...

Healing is a slooooooow process right now, so audio blogging will be the order of the day for now.... bear with me, as the last few days have been chaotic, tiresome, stressful... and just confusing....

Experiment #1....

Until my shoulder heals, this will be the norm for entries.  I'll resume typing entries once I reach a point where typing is no longer painful.

Thanks for your patience everyone.  Oh... and this is an experiment.  I will be uploading others with more focus. :)

It's About Time.

When I first began blogging it was for one specific reason--venting.  I needed a place where I could get things off my chest that were bothering me so I could get on with life without cumbersome emotions or baggage.  I had ONE blog at that time.  When things got tough, and they often were, I would visit my blog and unload to my heart's content, not giving a single iota to being politically correct or holding back out of some delusion that I somehow had to be 'polite' here.  The venting would ensue, fall upon the screen, and I would be left to bask in the aftermath of some seriously epic purging of thoughts, feelings, and more.  In the end I would usually go back and delete the long-winded and emotionally-charged entries, knowing I could do so now that some time had past.  That blog still exists and I still post in it as often as possible, and I named it "All Things Ephemeral" for a reason, even if that reason no longer exists.  Let me explain....

A few years ago I made the decision to stop deleting the entries.  Being honest with myself I realized that I was deleting so as not to 'hurt feelings' of those I vented about.  No matter that I left off names and details that would give much away to the wrong set of eyes reading, I decided it was somehow 'impolite' to share even my feelings and experiences.  Boy, was that ever stupid.  I'm glad I came to my senses and stopped editing the content over some perceived butthurt it may cause someone else.  But, did I really stop editing my own entries after all?  Well, today I figured it was something worth investigating.

I often come here and stare at the blank screen where bits of my life would fall and wonder... "How can I actually talk about this?"  I know as I write just how much I'm holding back, even when I don't WANT to.  Still, the struggle to set myself free remains just that--a struggle, even today.  Even when I know the healthiest thing I can do for myself is write about it, get it out of my system, it's remains incredibly difficult just the same.

What I want very much to do right now is to take the first step in 'going there,' to talk openly instead of using a string of allusions to piece together a story that, when all is said and done, remains unclear and ill-explained because of that fear below the surface of truth.

A Bold First Step

My next blog entry will be in This Free Spirit, and I tell you this because it will ultimately be the first blog entry in many years where I hold little if nothing back.  With failing health I need all the help I can get to break the bonds of emotional servitude, and the first step is to open myself completely to the idea of 'almost' full disclosure.

Wish me luck....

"You've chosen lessons of pain"

I received a message with this video in it yesterday.  I have no idea who the person is who sent it... but, oddly.. this is one of my favorite songs and one I listen to every night.  Headphones on, dark room, and songs to obliterate the thoughts....

Handle this, handle that, forget what it does to your soul.

I told myself that I could handle this today.  I promised myself I would at least try.  And I did, try.  I can't say I'm handling things well at all, because.. to be truthful.. I'm not.  But I'm trying.  Do I really believe I'm strong enough to get past this whatever-it-is?  Now that's the million dollar question, isn't it?

Forget it.  The whole idea of just "enduring" life is ridiculous and not something anyone should try on purpose.  I don't think anyone does, you know, do that on purpose.  Most of us are catapulted directly at the bullseye of defeat by forces we can't possibly overcome much less stop.  Some give in.  Some give up.  Some are caught between the two.  And me.. I've no freaking idea where I am in this mess.  I just know I don't like it here.  And why should anyone have to be where their soul, spirit fades beneath the gray?

Know when to get out while your spirit still has its wings.

Twilight--my favorite time of day.

It's a small part of the day and one you may miss if you blink.  Stay awake.  Just stay awake.

Almost the entirety of my escape processes include music, where the fabric of reality and the fantasy of reclaiming a life I once had clash in, sometimes, startling and colorful ways.  I don't delude myself into thinking that I don't know what really is or isn't; who cares?

Falling asleep listening to carefully constructed playlist is the only oasis I know.  While some songs grant me enough peace to fall asleep others wake me, and it's the message rushing to the forefront of those that bring me out of my slumber that are the most unsettling, the most telling.  I sometimes think of those moments as my subconscious crying out for help, that the sleeping soul and the wakeful spirit will be one again.

Creativity sleeps.  Dreams are too distant to remember.  Hope sits quietly beside me, distant and unmoved.  Memories are places my conscious mind tries to take up residence when I'm unable to sleep and surrender to what smothers my soul.  The abyss is real, and the truth looks down and recognizes its reflection in the darkness.  It's not as grim as it appears on the surface.

I no longer try to make my conscious and subconscious shake hands and call a truce.  The battle is a quiet one below the surface....

The Real Donald Trump

Dan Scavino said today that it's a shame the media will never talk about or show the kind heart that Donald Trump has. Those of us who grew up seeing the interviews from as far back as the 80's know he wasn't hated but rather watched in awe. How could a super wealthy guy could be so... down to earth? Well, he just is, and he always has been. While the media and establishment try their best to bring him down ...it just doesn't work, and it won't because most of us who support him already know of him. We've paid attention because, well, how can you not? So when you hear the slander and lies, and they are lies, remember this: A lie will travel the world and back while the truth is still putting on its shoes.

The Non-Attractive Art of Half-Assing Life.

I'm here.  I thought I would have to lay down and shut down for a while like I did yesterday (boy, was that something).  It's funny how anxiety can over-stimulate and shut one down in a brief time, and at this time I'm waiting for the shut-down part.  Honestly, I was gearing up for just a minor reboot, something I can achieve at times with just laying down and listening to some music for a bit.  However, that was quickly kicked to the curb by finding yet something else T had 'half-assed.'  Trust me, if he were a superhero like Spiderman, 'Half-assing' would definitely be his Spidey Power.

My mom, like most parents I believe, taught me "Anything worth doing is worth doing right."  Even as a child this made sense to me, so I usually went an extra step or two in doing most everything.  So how is it that someone my age, who claims his parents taught him manners etc, makes half-assing (among other things) something to strive for?  I just don't get it.

I find myself each day dotting the 'i's and crossing the 't's, things T leaves for me like I'm his mother.  And the worst of the half-assing is when it comes to a blatant lack of appreciation for something he paid money for.  Never mind, for the moment, the truly important things in life he half-asses.  Let's just stick to the material goods that somehow doesn't seem to be important enough to take care of.  And yes, this is VERY much important.

The sunroom here at this new house is really quite lovely, and through the coldest months and days (which aren't over yet) the boxes containing the large, round ottoman, the plastic bags that contained the cushion covers, and the boxes that contained the cushions sat outside and awaiting assembly.  I can certainly understand maybe not wanting to put everything together while it's freezing outside, especially when there's no promise of milder days in which to enjoy sitting outside.  But now that we've had a string of days in the high 60's and even mid 70's I didn't really see any reason to not assemble the patio furniture and make us of the sunroom.  We moved in while it was cold (November), and now it's time to get things put together.

Over the past couple of weeks I've asked T to put the patio furniture together--something that is REALLY easy since there's no real 'assembly' involved except for attaching the  legs to the base of the big ottoman.  The chairs don' t need assembly, and all of the 'work' involved is putting the cushion covers on the cushions; a relatively easy job for anyone who isn't sick.

I didn't get a chance to see what he'd done until a short while ago, and wow... it really looks like a 10yr old put the cushion covers on.  I mean, wow.  To be truthful, it looks awful, right there on the verge of embarrassing.  It's a mess.  When he came into the kitchen to get something to drink I brought it up to him (he's working from home today), and the only thing he said was... "It was kind of hard to...." I guess I'll have to have him bring the cushions indoors so I can fix them myself.  Won't be easy with all the weakness in my arms, etc., but... I'm willing to try so the foam cushions aren't ruined by being bent and twisted inside the covers.

Honestly, I've known very few men in my life that will spend money on something and not care whether it's going to be ruined or not.  In fact, with it comes to patio furniture, outdoor grills, and yard work... most men I've known in my life care enough to take a great deal and take pride in taking care of and maintain those things.  Why does T half-ass everything, including the yard work?  Well, I honestly couldn't tell you.  It's really a huge mystery to me.  I have to light MULTIPLE fires under his ass to get anything done.  I just---don't---get it.

I've begged T to hire someone to do the yard work, even had to beg him to hire a 'handyman' that can help me with some other things around here.  Why?  Because he won't do it himself without WEEKS of prodding (no exaggeration), and that's IF he does it at all.  He won't even finish the yard work when he does do anything out there, which I also don't understand.  It's not a small yard (the back is relatively small), but it's not a giant yard either.  I'm lucky to get him to mow the front yard, much less take care of shrubs, rake leaves, etc.  I just don't know what to do, short of calling around and hiring somebody myself.

This is really, really stressful.  Among all the other things I have to contend with, this is just so so so draining.  I don't trust him, because he lies to me, outright and by omission, and fails miserably to follow-through with whatever task he begins.  Oh, how I wish I wear at least as healthy as I was about 3-4 years ago so I could just do it myself.  I could get it done.  But I can't.  I just can't.

Men constantly complain about women "nagging" them.  Well, in MY situation, it's either nag (in this case BEG) for things to be done OR hire someone else to do it, someone who will not only get the job done but do it right!

I hate to say it, but I'm poised at this point to take it upon myself to hire someone who can come here and do a few odd jobs, someone else to take care of the lawn that's been ignored.  T has made it clear he's incapable, and I just don't have the strength to keep begging and begging.  Shrubs that were supposed to be trimmed in the back yard in December or January are still untrimmed.

I'm the type of person to get things done that need done.  Everything from making my bed every day to sweeping and vacuuming on a daily basis (I have a Basset Hound who sheds), and making sure to dust (I have a bad dust allergy), make sure dishes are washed or in the dishwasher, cleaning the bathrooms on a weekly basis, etc... those things I've always made sure were done.  I don't like living in a nasty home and it becomes a TERRIBLE stressed to face a dirty house, sneezing and running nose with sinus headaches due to too much dust... oh boy, I can't even begin to express how it just wreaks havoc on my peace of mind.

I don't fault anyone for being a messy housekeeper.  It's not my place to tell anyone or judge.  But when it comes to MY personal living space, my home, and my health... I do draw the line.

For the past couple of weeks or so my eyes have been SEVERELY swollen with black circles, very dark black circles under my eyes, and crippling headaches due to allergy flair-ups that OTC Claritin has yet to even touch.  My eyes are red, itchy and sore, and I haven't had a decent night's sleep due to the congestion.  T offered to sweep and vacuum---which takes approximately 7-10 minutes, literally only 7-10 minutes, but he conveniently 'forgets.'  He forgets even when I've gone through a fortune in tissues due to constantly blowing my nose.  I try to sweep what I can, but it's getting where I can't do it anymore... and I need someone's help.  T promises to help, then he breaks his promise.. then wonders why I don't trust him anymore.

I totally understand oversight.  I totally get being too tired, etc.  But what I have issues with is that he promises to do these things then 'conveniently' forgets...for days and days and weeks.

He doesn't understand at all when I tell him I'm not sure how long I can stay here, with him, in this life.  He behaves desperately when I am blunt and tell him that I'm getting sicker here and need to be around people who care about me, people who can help me now and then with things I honestly can't do myself right now.  He says he can do it, that he cares, that he loves me, etc.  And yet I continue to get sicker with problems that can easily be avoided altogether by taking 7-10 minutes out of his day to help.  If he can't or doesn't WANT to help, then he should say so and allow me to get someone who can.  And yes, I've discussed this with him and used those exact words.

I've told T he doesn't HAVE to help me, that he doesn't HAVE to do anything at all.  No one can make him do anything he doesn't want to do, including me, and I have no desire to force him to do anything.  But it doesn't change the fact that I can't breathe, I can't sleep, that my eyes are horribly swollen and painful and somewhat due to my allergies.

Ever seen anyone in the throes of allergies without the benefit of medication?  Yeah, it's a pretty miserable sight.  And what it FEELS like is much worse than what it looks like.  I'm miserable with prednisone and prednisone-withdrawal symptoms, which include swelling in the face and eyes and many other lovely symptoms, so I do NOT need to add allergy symptoms on top of it all.  Prednisone helps inflammation, even that due to allergies.  During withdrawal from Prednisone allergy symptoms can be FAR WORSE than ever before, and that's what's happening now.  I can't let the dust etc. build up throughout the house because it's making things 1,000 times worse.

Yes, I'm upset.  I feel horrible, and much of what's making me feel horrible can be avoided.  Oh well. I guess I just ask too much, huh?

Time to ask around and search for someone who can help around here with household jobs and yard work.  I'm done waiting.... just done.

Dear God, please make me well so I can be strong enough to take my life back... even if it means leaving here....

Dealing With Whiners.

Yep, when it's election time, God forbid you should EVER post your views on squishy social network sites like Facebook.  While I know FB has it's place in people's lives, it's become one of those places where people literally turn into robots who post and repost while not really interacting with others or sharing any of their true thoughts or feelings, etc.  People are intimidated by their own feed.  Go figure.

Luckily, FB has an 'un-follow' option.  Though sadly, few people take advantage of this.  For me, I don't really feel the need to unfollow someone if I don't like their posts.  If things are really that bad and annoying.. a good healthy block does the trick nicely.  I guess this is a rarity as well since I possess the ability to scroll past those posts I don't care for.  Yes, there are exceptions, such as passive-aggressive posts aimed at you personally, the kind that makes you wonder why that person can't just have the cojones to block or unfollow.  I'll never understand that whole passive/aggressive thing, to tell you the truth.  It really just looks like a coward's way out.

So I've decided to try something a little different...

When I post anything political, I follow it with a phrase: "Oh, for those who don't like political posts.." and end that phrase with something entirely unimportant, nonsensical, and dull.  When the time comes where someone asks exactly WHY I'm doing that, I will simply tell them it's for people who can't handle anything more than the endless river of memes and selfies and pointless posts about what they ate or their workout routine or new haircut...posts that really say nothing at all, mean nothing at all.  And it's true.  I like the cute animal videos as much as anyone, but if you never have anything real to say at all... what's the point?  To each his/her own, which really IS the point.

You have no idea how many times I scroll endlessly through my feed to find something of substance, something that connects me in some way, ANY way to the person who's posting.  I've found my time on FB has dwindled and mostly from sheer boredom.

Yesterday was the last straw.  I can't stand shallow and pedantic.  And yes, those can co-exist at exactly the same time, and when they do.. it's not in the least amusing.

This is my rant for today.  Do know that if you post selfies and pics of what you ate or any of the things I listed above--that doesn't mean I think it's stupid or irritating.  I post vids and pics and memes etc as well.  Understand that the real irritating part is when that's ALL that's EVER posted IN ADDITION to whining and complaining about others who post something real.. because you're forced to either scroll past or deal with the butthurt you feel when my views differ from your own.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T changes everything.  Respect when a person posts something.  Stop taking things personally when it's not about you---Not everything is about YOU.  And stop posting on the things you don't like while NOT posting on the things you do.  And yes, I know when you like something (duh!), especially when you hit the "Like" button and repost!

The above isn't aimed at anyone in particular, but if you're feelings are stinging about now.. you actually may be one of the guilty.  Just saying...  Give it some thought and look at it from my side.  You just may see yourself differently when you do.

Divided We Fall

It's not just a cliche.

What a political storm we're in these days.  Hate and divisiveness on both sides.  But not EVERY presidential candidate is about division, and as you guys probably know by now.. my choice is Donald Trump.  I'm not going into all the why's and wherefores.. just know I've watched him throughout his career and KNOW he's been completely consistent in who and what he is, what he stands for.  Let's just leave it at that and focus on the subject I want to discuss....

Roger Ailes (Fox News) bashed Trump AND all of his supporters.  Bashed as in nasty, ugly, hateful and demeaning rhetoric that literally pissed of more people than you could imagine.  Of course, the horse-faced shrew, Megyn Kelly, was brought back on to moderate the 7th debate, with Ailes FULLY knowing that it would cause issues---and turn the debate into a political version of the Jerry Springer Show.  Trump said "NO" to the debate and decided to do a fundraiser for our veterans.  Trump's supporters immediately began tweeting that they would back him entirely on this!  And we DID!

Trump's event was a TOTAL success, earning some $6,000,000.00 for our veterans!  Trump put in $1,000,000.00 of his own money, just in case anyone is wondering.

Too late---Ailes called Trump and apologized for what he did, and Trump told him emphatically that he made a promise to the veterans to hold the charity rally... and that he was going to do exactly that.  See, what people don't understand is that Donald Trump DOES exactly what he says he'll do, and he's been that way throughout his entire career.  This is one major reason we supporters love him... because his word is gold.

Trump was ridiculed for his decision to skip the debate...

The bitter hatred and ugliness from Ted Cruz supporters was and IS UNBELIEVABLY vile in its delivery, with nasty, hateful tweets and posts on FB... in response to positive and uplifting tweets/posts regarding helping the veterans.  Only assholes would do such a thing, and boy are there a LOT of assholes out there!  And oddly, the democrats are not just playing it safe by not attacking Trump to this extent, but they're making a VERY strong political statement by refraining.  I mean, I'm a former Democrat turned Republican, and I will NEVER go back to that party, I promise.  But I have to say that I'm really shocked and saddened by the sheer numbers of "More-Conservative-than-thou" republicans who metamorphosed into political cannibals!  What the HELL is wrong with people these days?  And the Dems just sit back and watch the Republican party self-destruct.   Brilliant move on the Dems part, you have to admit.

SOME of the candidates refrain from the political cannibalism that seems SO popular these days.. so they can unite for a common cause. Such is with the case of Trump's charity rally last night.  He invited Huckabee and Santorum to the event and asked them to speak.  It was a BEAUTIFUL thing to see, FINALLY to see members of the republican party BEHAVE like republicans, like decent human beings.  All the ugliness and bashing and hatred was happening, but it was happening elsewhere... most of it coming from a disingenuous Ted Cruz.

Honestly, I would love to see a Trump/Huckabee ticket, personally. But seriously... was such an impressive and moving event.  And to tell you the truth, I'm not even sure why Huckabee is low on the polls.  He's a stand-up guy with great policies.  Still, would be nice if Trump would bring him on for VP.... 

Meanwhile, back at the RNC.... Republican elitists, those 'more-concervative-than-thou' bullies all look like a bunch of brawling, desperate fools, while democratic front runners are sitting back quietly and watching the show.   Because they're (the Dems) aren't fighting amongst themselves. But there's genius in that, because what they're doing is stepping back and letting the republican party tear itself apart.. candidate by candidate, and with liberal media help.

Wake the hell up, America!!!  UNITY, people! We ALL lose if we're divided!  Stop tearing each other apart---and this has to happen with candidates AND voters!