Raisins Are Just Grapes That Have Lost Their Will To Live.

Why be a raisin when you can be a grape?  Seriously, the answer's pretty obvious.  Have you ever seen a grape WILLINGLY become a raisin?  EXACTLY!  That freaking grape is going to fight like hell to maintain the status-quo.  You can bet your life on it.

So wtf is that supposed to mean? you ask?....

Absolutely nothing, honey.  Absolutely nothing.

Look, I think it's pretty obvious that all of us have different ways of dealing with bad things that come into our lives.  No reason to be specific, because one person's 'bad thing' is another's 'rush.'  No really, I mean that with the utmost sincerity.  Ever heard of the phrase "The risk is the rush?" Well, many people actually LIVE their lives by that and take every single challenge and turn it into a gladiator tournament of which they very well intend to come out the victor!  I'm just not one of those people.

Hey, I'm honest!  And these days I'm hardly a gladiator.

When things are overwhelming, or if I'm irritated and fed up, well... I indulge in whatever it is I can find to make me laugh.  What else is there other than laughing when things totally suck?  Exactly! So today, that's kind of what I'm heading for.... it is what it is.

On one hand I could be doing something more productive and worthwhile, but not he other hand---Why? ;p Yeah, I do have days like that, trust me.  If I feel down or depressed I can at the very least summon my messed up sense of humor to turn things around.  It doesn't ALWAYS work, but I at least have to try.

Now I will say that when I bother EXPRESSING this, er, sense of humor of mine it's not always so well-received.  I can totally live with that, btw. ;-)  And if I end up offending someone along the way, well, I can't always help that.  People can choose to have a sense of humor, choose to keep going and not read what I post (here or anywhere), or let it all hang out and laugh with me.  Either way, it's not going to change how I approach a difficult day.  If it helps, I'm going to do it.  And yes, yes, yes... I do take others' feelings into consideration.  But seriously... life is just too damn short to take yourself so seriously all of the time.

Live it up, laugh it up, and make the best out of a sometimes shitty situation!

Dealing With Whiners.

Yep, when it's election time, God forbid you should EVER post your views on squishy social network sites like Facebook.  While I know FB has it's place in people's lives, it's become one of those places where people literally turn into robots who post and repost while not really interacting with others or sharing any of their true thoughts or feelings, etc.  People are intimidated by their own feed.  Go figure.

Luckily, FB has an 'un-follow' option.  Though sadly, few people take advantage of this.  For me, I don't really feel the need to unfollow someone if I don't like their posts.  If things are really that bad and annoying.. a good healthy block does the trick nicely.  I guess this is a rarity as well since I possess the ability to scroll past those posts I don't care for.  Yes, there are exceptions, such as passive-aggressive posts aimed at you personally, the kind that makes you wonder why that person can't just have the cojones to block or unfollow.  I'll never understand that whole passive/aggressive thing, to tell you the truth.  It really just looks like a coward's way out.

So I've decided to try something a little different...

When I post anything political, I follow it with a phrase: "Oh, for those who don't like political posts.." and end that phrase with something entirely unimportant, nonsensical, and dull.  When the time comes where someone asks exactly WHY I'm doing that, I will simply tell them it's for people who can't handle anything more than the endless river of memes and selfies and pointless posts about what they ate or their workout routine or new haircut...posts that really say nothing at all, mean nothing at all.  And it's true.  I like the cute animal videos as much as anyone, but if you never have anything real to say at all... what's the point?  To each his/her own, which really IS the point.

You have no idea how many times I scroll endlessly through my feed to find something of substance, something that connects me in some way, ANY way to the person who's posting.  I've found my time on FB has dwindled and mostly from sheer boredom.

Yesterday was the last straw.  I can't stand shallow and pedantic.  And yes, those can co-exist at exactly the same time, and when they do.. it's not in the least amusing.

This is my rant for today.  Do know that if you post selfies and pics of what you ate or any of the things I listed above--that doesn't mean I think it's stupid or irritating.  I post vids and pics and memes etc as well.  Understand that the real irritating part is when that's ALL that's EVER posted IN ADDITION to whining and complaining about others who post something real.. because you're forced to either scroll past or deal with the butthurt you feel when my views differ from your own.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T changes everything.  Respect when a person posts something.  Stop taking things personally when it's not about you---Not everything is about YOU.  And stop posting on the things you don't like while NOT posting on the things you do.  And yes, I know when you like something (duh!), especially when you hit the "Like" button and repost!

The above isn't aimed at anyone in particular, but if you're feelings are stinging about now.. you actually may be one of the guilty.  Just saying...  Give it some thought and look at it from my side.  You just may see yourself differently when you do.

Random Thoughts at 3am: Why Do Potatoes Have to Be So Difficult?

No, this entry isn't REALLY about potatoes, though I do find them a tasty pain in the ass most of the time.  As random thoughts go, it would be nice if they would come with useful information.  Yep, that would be very nice.  But NOOOOOoooooo.  We can't have anything USEFUL show up out of the blue in our heads at 3am, now CAN we?  Ugh.

Many times I end up with insomnia due to FB drama.  In fact, I don't really spend all that much time on FB anymore because of one particular person, someone who is ALWAYS and UNENDINGLY (redundant, I know) on the opposite side of the fence when it comes to 99.5% of everything I think, talk about, post.  And he just can't seem to help himself and vomits about 10 comments to whatever it is I post about.  Now, to me, this just seems like a complete waste of time on his part.  If you don't agree with my point of view, beliefs, etc., then MOVE THE HELL ALONG, please and thank you!  Such a simple concept really---don't crap on someone's post just because you don't agree with them.

I don't mind NOT being on FB so much, actually.  It's been my experience that some people have very little self-control when it comes to FB drama.  Sometimes it's overt and in-your-face, which is what this one person does, and sometimes it's extremely passive-aggressive, which is really the worst kind of all but the easiest to ignore.  I've known this person and his wife for many years and frequent their place of business, so it's not like I can tell him to piss off or just block him.  It's a bit more complicated than that.  What I have been doing is completely ignoring his comments.  Yeah, I'm sure he's smug and feeling all proud of himself for 'having the last word,' but that's because he doesn't realize he's being ignored. lol  Kind of funny when you think about it.

In order to keep the stress and anxiety down I spend very little time on FB, as I've said.  I do have to go there because I'm an admin/mod on one of my son's groups.  Other than that the have-to visits to FB I've also taken to posting there---just to needle Mr. Negativity. lol  What I post is still relevant, and what I post are things I would post anyway, but honestly.... it's just a bonus that it needles Mr. Man enough to make him freak out. ;p  Some people are just too easy.

A better hang-out for me is Twitter.  Memes are few and far between and used for emphasis to their topic or statement.  Seems these days, on FB anyway, that memes just get splattered all over the page, replacing any actual thought or discussion.  Memes and videos.  I guess it wouldn't be so bad if people would SAY something other than "lol" or "lmao" in relation to the meme or video they post.  But as it currently stands... it just looks like very few people on FB have much to say.  At least on Twitter you learn quickly to make your post/tweet information-dense and on-point.  A lot seems to get said with very few words, and I have NO complaints about that.

I'm all spewed out at the moment... laters, taters! ;p

Divided We Fall

It's not just a cliche.

What a political storm we're in these days.  Hate and divisiveness on both sides.  But not EVERY presidential candidate is about division, and as you guys probably know by now.. my choice is Donald Trump.  I'm not going into all the why's and wherefores.. just know I've watched him throughout his career and KNOW he's been completely consistent in who and what he is, what he stands for.  Let's just leave it at that and focus on the subject I want to discuss....

Roger Ailes (Fox News) bashed Trump AND all of his supporters.  Bashed as in nasty, ugly, hateful and demeaning rhetoric that literally pissed of more people than you could imagine.  Of course, the horse-faced shrew, Megyn Kelly, was brought back on to moderate the 7th debate, with Ailes FULLY knowing that it would cause issues---and turn the debate into a political version of the Jerry Springer Show.  Trump said "NO" to the debate and decided to do a fundraiser for our veterans.  Trump's supporters immediately began tweeting that they would back him entirely on this!  And we DID!

Trump's event was a TOTAL success, earning some $6,000,000.00 for our veterans!  Trump put in $1,000,000.00 of his own money, just in case anyone is wondering.

Too late---Ailes called Trump and apologized for what he did, and Trump told him emphatically that he made a promise to the veterans to hold the charity rally... and that he was going to do exactly that.  See, what people don't understand is that Donald Trump DOES exactly what he says he'll do, and he's been that way throughout his entire career.  This is one major reason we supporters love him... because his word is gold.

Trump was ridiculed for his decision to skip the debate...

The bitter hatred and ugliness from Ted Cruz supporters was and IS UNBELIEVABLY vile in its delivery, with nasty, hateful tweets and posts on FB... in response to positive and uplifting tweets/posts regarding helping the veterans.  Only assholes would do such a thing, and boy are there a LOT of assholes out there!  And oddly, the democrats are not just playing it safe by not attacking Trump to this extent, but they're making a VERY strong political statement by refraining.  I mean, I'm a former Democrat turned Republican, and I will NEVER go back to that party, I promise.  But I have to say that I'm really shocked and saddened by the sheer numbers of "More-Conservative-than-thou" republicans who metamorphosed into political cannibals!  What the HELL is wrong with people these days?  And the Dems just sit back and watch the Republican party self-destruct.   Brilliant move on the Dems part, you have to admit.

SOME of the candidates refrain from the political cannibalism that seems SO popular these days.. so they can unite for a common cause. Such is with the case of Trump's charity rally last night.  He invited Huckabee and Santorum to the event and asked them to speak.  It was a BEAUTIFUL thing to see, FINALLY to see members of the republican party BEHAVE like republicans, like decent human beings.  All the ugliness and bashing and hatred was happening, but it was happening elsewhere... most of it coming from a disingenuous Ted Cruz.

Honestly, I would love to see a Trump/Huckabee ticket, personally. But seriously... was such an impressive and moving event.  And to tell you the truth, I'm not even sure why Huckabee is low on the polls.  He's a stand-up guy with great policies.  Still, would be nice if Trump would bring him on for VP.... 

Meanwhile, back at the RNC.... Republican elitists, those 'more-concervative-than-thou' bullies all look like a bunch of brawling, desperate fools, while democratic front runners are sitting back quietly and watching the show.   Because they're (the Dems) aren't fighting amongst themselves. But there's genius in that, because what they're doing is stepping back and letting the republican party tear itself apart.. candidate by candidate, and with liberal media help.

Wake the hell up, America!!!  UNITY, people! We ALL lose if we're divided!  Stop tearing each other apart---and this has to happen with candidates AND voters!

Cross-Post Rant ahead!... "I'm done"

Trust me when I say... it's taken me from approximately 7:20am to 10:37am JUST to calm down enough to write.  Waking to indifference each day is grating on my nerves and sucking the life out of my life.  I'm not in the greatest of moods at the moment, and I'm not about to pretend I am.  It's been one HELL of a morning... let's just start there, shall we?

Okay, so all of my life I've believed that the old saying "Anything worth doing is worth doing RIGHT" is a damn good foundation for anyone's life.  Half-Assing ANYTHING reveals a lot about a person.  And by 'half-assing" I mean not putting everything you have into what you're doing.  Not to say your "everything" may not be on the same level every day, but putting in 100% of what you can is all anyone can really ask.  And why not?  Why would anyone do anything less than 100%?  When you take shortcuts you leave someone else to make up the difference in distance you weren't willing to go.

NOTE:  As always, unless I'm writing something aimed at someone in particular... the word "You" is used loosely and not meant to point fingers at anyone here.

My health is bad--I've spoken of this a lot in my blogs.  Dealing with one confirmed AI disease (AIH) and going through the paces of confirming a second means.. I'm NOT in remission.  I won't BE in remission for a very long time (I'm told).  The blood work COULD very well improve, the numbers will improve and possibly quickly, but 'remission' is more than numbers.  I won't go into all of that, but suffice it to say every single day is a battle to get through.  So here I am living with someone who, by nature, does ONLY what he can get away with and not a scintilla more.  What does this mean?  It means I have to take up the slack.  I not only have to do what I need and have to do, but I have to take up the slack from what he only does PART-WAY.

Half-Assers are a HUGE pet peeve of mine!

Look, I realize there will be days, times, and situations where you may have to take a short cut or do what you can in that moment.  But I also know that there are things that HAVE to be done correctly, thoroughly.  I mean, you can only short-cut your way through things until you end up with a completely and totally chaotic mess that SOMEONE ELSE will ultimately have to deal with.  Why the hell would you do this to someone, especially someone you claim to "love"?

This morning, like so many mornings (every morning!) I found myself forcing my way through cleaning up after T.  And I mean, cleaning up as in it takes me some 45-hour JUST to pick up the slack of his half-assed whatever.  Have I spoken to him about this?  Of course I have, and 2 years ago, when it really began, I was very calm, loving, and discussed the matter with him in hopes he would see what he was doing.  I mean, he's a grown up, and I'm not his mom.  He can pick up after himself, because he's no Ward Cleaver and doesn't treat me like Joan.  The family of the 1950's and 1960's are GONE.  Marriage and relationships aren't centered around women being in servitude.

Now, women who are treated with respect, treated kindly, appreciated.. will do almost anything for their guys.  It's how we're wired.  We're wired to be caretakers, caregivers, at least most of us.  However, when taken advantage of we often will begin to back off from all those things we once did easily, eagerly, and happily.  When taken for granted... we don't see any reason to continue giving when there's only taking from the other side.

And please, don't confuse this 'give and take' with material things or money, etc.  Because those things don't bring happiness, not ever.  What I'm talking about here is doing one's part in the relationship without placing the blinders on and thinking it's really just all about the other person doing all the work.

I've been in a relationship where everything was dumped solely on my shoulders.  People who know me, who pay attention, find out quickly that I can't be bought.  You can't buy your way out of unhappiness.  You just can't.  Being poor and happy is FAR FAR superior than being well-off and miserable.  Money can't get rid of unhappiness.. I really can't stress that enough.

Doing your part, that's what it's about.  Not placing necessary pressure or expectations on the other person is what it's about.  Respecting the other person's time is what it's about.  And soooooo much more, or course.  But when it comes to half-assing your way through chores because you know the other person will take up the slack for you... that's a sure-fire way to turn that person off, long-term.  And good damn luck getting them to be turned on again.

Being taken advantage of is not good foreplay.
Being taken for granted is not good foreplay.
Doing and not doing things that make the other person's life more difficult.. is not good foreplay.
Being overtly, blatantly lazy isn't sexy.
Indifference isn't sexy.
Ignoring someone isn't sexy.
Not respecting the other person's space, time, and needs isn't sexy, nor is it good foreplay.
Being mean, hateful, abusive.. isn't sexy, and it makes for LOUSY foreplay.

You treat me like shit, I'm going to shut down.
You abuse me, mentally, verbally, or physically.. and I'm going to shut down and NOT be into you.
Take me for granted and I'll stop doing things for you.

It's taken me years to get to this point, and I've been a welcome mat for a couple of people and won't ever allow myself to do that again.  I don't need anyone THAT much.  If I'm treated badly, eventually I won't feel anything at all for you, and you're going to find out that you really just can't un-ring that bell.

You can't buy me or my love.  I'm not for sale.  If you do something you claim is out of kindness or whatever, and you use it against me later.. you've given your true motive away!  Once I SEE you, what and who you REALLY are, I won't be able to see that 'other' person ever again.  Once you blow it, you blow it.

T is lucky in that there's still about 2% hope here.  This morning was just about the final straw, but I fought and worked my way past it, and I'm telling you it was DIFFICULT!  He knew, too.  He knew the moment I pointed out to him what he'd done.  He tried to backpedal, tried to reassure himself that he'd not blown it VIA me.  But what was done was done, and the disingenuous nature of what he did wasn't lost on me at all, and it broke something inside and change, again, the way I see him and feel about him.  Being disingenuous is exactly like lying, and I'm DONE being okay with men who lie to me, either by omission or right-out.  DONE.

That 2% of me that is still open to his finding a solution and fixing the whole disingenuous thing is stretched very thin.  He's running out of time.

Honesty and respect are MORE important than love.  My last relationship taught me that, opened my eyes to the fact that without those first two things.. LOVE CAN'T EXIST!  Love CANNOT exist in the absence of honesty and respect.

Besides struggling through a VERY PAINFUL morning trying to finish half-assed attempts at whatever, I also had to deal with the tuning me out thing, the thing where he pretends to vaguely respond because he knows he didn't hear a thing I just said.  No matter... I don't repeat myself anymore.  I do let him know, however, that I get that he didn't hear me and that all the begging in the world to repeat myself isn't going to make me do so.  After a year or more of this not listening/tuning me out thing.. I've grown intolerant to it.  I've told him that, fine, if he's that disinterested in what I have to say then I'll simply 'tell someone who gives a shit.'  He doesn't like it, but it's no longer about what HE likes and doesn't like anymore.  I've taken the first step in getting MY life back, replacing the disrespect he shows towards me with my own SELF-RESPECT; something I really should've done a long, long time ago.  Better late than never, I say.

So this morning was NOT a good morning.  But I'm going to spend the remainder of my day taking care of myself, focusing on what I can do to help myself heal, and incorporating those things that will protect me from further harm from anyone, especially from the person I'm living with.  Yes, I still have to work through the damage from the past relationship, but that's already underway and will help with my current situation.

Well, that's where I am today.  It will get better, and I will keep persevering... as long as I can.

The Cocoon of SAFE, Mindless Prattle

I'm irritated at the moment.  I'm irritated because I'm not handling things very well right now.  I get that the message I'm given is that it's very difficult to handle stress when you're on prednisone, that the body's usual defense mechanisms simply aren't in place anymore.  I hear what I'm told, I get what I'm told, but I DON'T LIKE WHAT I'M TOLD.  Yeah, yeah.. go cry me a river, right? ;p

Okay, so I wonder how much I'm going to be pushed by my own body in order to see just how much I can take and maintain my sanity?  When will the insurance company FINALLY approve the medication I need to take care of a serious situation that is wreaking havoc on my body and my life?  It's been over a month now.  OVER a month, and I still can't get the medication approved.  This country, because of Obama, has gone right to hell.  It really has.  And this is only ONE of the ways it's gone downhill.

At any rate, I seem to swing between being completely angry one moment about this, to feeling utterly abandoned in the next.  I don't know HOW to feel about anything anymore, and as long as I have to deal with the symptoms I'm not going to be the most rational or patient of people; it's been going on for too long and I'm flipping tired.

Making demands on me--this is really what I'm getting at.  I need to heal, and while the AIH is being addressed it's simply not enough.  You can't just ignore some things, and this thing I'm dealing with is something that will not allow me the luxury of pretending it's not there, happening, and ruining my life at the moment.  And no, I'm not being melodramatic here.  It's the truth.

Now, I will admit one of the biggest mistakes I've been making is spending WAY too much time on social media.  My bright idea was to avoid watching too much tv, and in doing that I've replaced tv with reading political articles, reading and getting caught up in tweets on Twitter, watching the disconnected posts flow through my FB feed.  I can admit that's a dumb thing for me to do.  And what can I do instead?...

Well, I know what I should do, so it's not a matter of ignorance but rather bad choices.  I'm aware.  Instead of getting caught up in all the political hot-headedness or trying to amuse myself with funny pictures and such... and we all know this is the bulk of FB posts these days... I should be turning my focus on what I normally do, and that is to seek information on how to make the best of what I'm dealing with, finding new ways to see my situation, and read more about what others do in the same.  While I have sought information and such, I guess I've found it's not helped me as much as I'd hoped. Maybe that's why I'm distracting myself with all of the other crap.

I need to take about 20 paces back from FB, from Twitter, and from reading all the political crap out there.  Yes, I want to be informed as these elections coming are VERY important, but there's so much hate and nastiness in what people say these days that I find it hard to read and maintain a good, happy, frame of mind.  So that's one thing that I need to change.

Another thing is to avoid people on FB who seem to make it their life's mission to comment with negative crap on my posts.  I mean, damn... grow up.  If you don't like my point of view, disagree with me, etc... then just move along to the next post in the feed and ignore mine!  It's not THAT hard to do, is it?  And I know one person in particular is doing it.. because he can.  He doesn't try it in person, which I find rather amusing, but he gets down right offensive and rude when he's hiding behind his computer.  I normally just shrug it off and roll my eyes when he does this, but lately he's taken to insulting some of my friends in the military, including veterans, and that's where I draw the line.  At any rate, this is the sort of thing that happens when you post anything of actual substance on social media.  Here's a fact: People aren't really interested in what you think, feel, or believe.  What people are actually interested in is cocooning themselves in SAFE, mindless prattle that means nothing.

And yes, this is relatively isolated to one particular person, so that makes things easy for me in terms of what to block him from.  Honestly, I'm not sure that FB allows that anymore, blocking certain people from particular posts.  Either way, enough of the BS on FB.  If I find a way to block him from my posts.. it's done.. ACCESS DENIED!

Now that I got THAT off my chest...

A Big Day for US(A) and Donald Trump supporters

I want to start by saying I feel really bad for Cruz supporters.  They want so much to believe in him, that he's honest and forthright... and in the face of overwhelming evidence proving he's neither, they cling tightly to their illusions/delusions.

I'm imagining by now you guys realize my choice of presidential candidates is Donald Trump.  I've made it no secret, and I stand by my choice.  So having heard that there's a major announcement today, said to happen during his 3rd speaking engagement today, the rally this evening.  A lot of us have speculated as to what it could be, but that's all it is.. speculation.  Well, the suspense is killing me, I have to admit.

One of the theories is that Sarah Palin will be announcing her support of DT.  Well, I will be perfectly honest about this---at first, AT FIRST... I really couldn't stand Sarah Palin.  Her running with McCain previously didn't shed her in the best light... at least not to me.  She, I'm assuming, parroted what she was supposed to say, etc., etc., etc... according to the McCain advisors, managers, etc.  But one of the biggest things that turned me off about her was her advocating the killing of wolves, killing the mothers and pups, and calling it okay, necessary, even needed.  I disagreed then, and I disagree NOW.  Having said that, I'm trying really hard here to give her a second chance.  She has no idea what that's taking for me to do this.

So without knowing what this big announcement is, I'm steeling myself for the possibility that rumors are right, that Sarah Palin will be endorsing Trump.  Some are even calling, I will add, for a Trump/Palin ticket.  I'm not sure I"m on board with that, but the jury is still out.  I'm keeping an open mind here and just waiting FIRST to hear what the announcement is before deciding how I feel about this whole Sarah Palin thing.

Haters.  They're everywhere, right?  And more so when it comes to election times.  The attacks on candidates and their supporters can be quite vicious.  Seems ridiculous, really, but it's the way it is.  I can handle haters and basically laugh them off, block them, or otherwise ignore most of their rhetoric.  It's really a good idea to move along and past the garbage in order to keep one's focus on the big picture.

So what is the big picture?  Basically it boils down to two very important components---we either have more of Obama's policies being carried out in the WH (Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton), or we have someone who is completely independent of super pacs and anyone at all who may have paid enough money to a candidate to have control.  And trust me, big money from donors means control.

Most of us are sick of the controlling politicians, the owns owned by their donors, the ones who lie and hate and use bashing and mudslinging, more than showing any of us what they can do for the country to make it better.  Ted Cruz=bought and owned by super pacs, caught in lies time and time again.  Bernie Sanders=socialist and 'crazy grandpa.'  Hillary Clinton=CRIMINAL.  Rubio=really too young and soft to be an effective POTUS.  And trust me, those are just the highlights and by no means is it a complete list.

I don't have to explain my choices, because I live in a country that, despite Obama's attempts, I can still voice my opinion, HAVE an opinion, and exercise my right to choose who I vote for.

I've made my choice, and now I'm excited about what this big announcement is that's coming tonight.  I'll be watching the live streaming, as I usually do, and... well, we'll see what happens.

The Dangers of Being Honest

Honesty has become a vulnerability.  People who speak their minds honesty are often faced with ridicule and contempt by those who have opposing views. I believe most of us get this and have experienced that ridicule first-hand.  While a valuable lesson, that ridicule and backlash, while it reminds us how we should choose our words carefully, we must always remember that honesty is STILL the best policy, and that lying by omission... is STILL lying.

A friend who reads all my blogs, and I mean every entry (bless her heart), sent me a message and said, "I don't know how you do it. Aren't you scared of haters bashing you?"  Well, no.. I'm not.  I refuse to allow haters and bullies to dictate how I think, behave, react or don't react to any given situation.  I mean, once you give away your power it's really hard to get it back.  It's best not to give your power to another to begin with.

I've relinquished my power to haters and bullies in my past.  My entire life, up until about 3 years ago, I learned to suppress my feelings, to bury anger deep, to hide the foundations of any feelings I had.  Not to say I wasn't emotional, because BOY was I ever.  I wore my emotions on my sleeve for the entire world to see.  But when it came down to recognizing for more than a second what created those emotions, and when it came down to standing up for myself, that's where everything fell apart, and it did so because I was taught early on that having those emotions.. was a bad thing.

I no longer think that, and because I no longer think that I FEEL more intensely those emotions I used to keep in check to the point of denial.  It's been a liberating process, being able to access feelings like that.  I don't have to apologize to anyone for having those feelings, and I reserve apologies now for when I HANDLE those feelings badly; thankfully this is seldom an issue.  So when someone writes me and is worried because I allowed the emotions and thoughts etc to flow freely on the pages here, or in my other blogs, I DO take into consideration what they're saying, but I also take into consideration that I've come a very long way to not only reach my feelings and access them more fully than before, but that it's MORE than OKAY to express them.

There is a danger to being honest.  There's a danger in speaking freely at times.  There's a risk that you won't please one person or another person, etc.  Not everyone is going to like what I'm saying.  But so what?  There will be those who DO, and it's with those people that the unspoken camaraderie is expressed and felt.  What I say, what I express, actually has helped people, and it's certainly helped me.  So I've no intention of changing this, just so everyone here is clear on where I stand.

I will accept the dangers of honesty and continue to be honest, sometimes bluntly, and I will take into consideration the edges honesty has by definition.  I'm not out to hurt anyone, and this is why I name NO names here as to whom I'm speaking about.. IF I'm speaking about someone else.  It occurs to me that having to say this means I'm still aware, very aware, of the risks I take.  But it doesn't matter.. I'm not here to write fiction or make things look better or worse than they actually are.

I'm going to be myself, haters and bullies be-damned.  No one should give up pieces of themselves for others to devour, and that's exactly what you do when you censor your words, thoughts, and feelings in a place or forum where you're there to speak your mind.  People can choose to read or not read, listen or not listen.  Actions are a choice.

So to my friend, though we've spoken about this at length--I hear you.  And I'm okay.  I'm okay with what any hater or bully thinks about me, because I don't answer to them.  And.. you shouldn't either.