Predicting Life from the Sidelines

This is a very bad day today.  I managed to post about some news I learned yesterday, but I did so in my other blog.   And yes, I'm still attempting to post in my blogs by relevance.  Still, there will always be overlapping posts.  Having said that, let me say... I feel like crap today.  I really, really do.  I've had some success with drinking more coffee (hey, whatever works!) until today.  Today, I don't think all the caffein in the world will help.  Dammit.

One more cup; this is how I get through the morning.  I love coffee, don't get me wrong, but I certainly don't want it to be the reason I'm sitting upright each day.  Well, I guess today will be the day when I say coffee WON'T be the reason I'm upright, because it's just not working right now.  I have a feeling I'm edging towards being a limp noodle with the jitters.  Dammit again.

I sit here and feel like sliding off the chair onto the floor in a giant puddle of 'screw it.'  But I can't really allow that to happen, now, can I?  And yet I knew, as I always do, the moment I sat up in bed that today was going to suck to the highest possible power of suckiness.  I want so badly to go back to bed, to lay down, to sleep... to just not have to use my muscles to sit upright.. or walk.. or even stand.

I'm sitting on the sidelines of my own life, trying to predict from one day to the next, one hour to the next how much 'life' I will actually have at any given moment.  My body isn't predictable.  What I do or not do today can, and usually does, affect what happens tomorrow, or a few tomorrows.  If I overdo things, I pay for it.  And when I don't, I still end up paying a price for something I didn't even know I was or wasn't doing.  So what's the point, right?  How in the hell am I supposed to know what to do, what not to do, when doing nothing sometimes is just as bad as doing anything?

I'm really not making much sense here.

I've managed to get out of bed, so there's that.

Dammit.

Really? I mean, really?

What a day.  Would be a better day if I wasn't completely taken over by the new meds, AIH, and resulting 'wheverthehellisgoingon' things I'm dealing with.  New symptoms come on board as I go, and dammit if I don't end up completely befuddled as to what's causing them.  Today, nausea rears its ugly head, and honestly.. I've NO idea WTH is going on NOW.  Meds?  Illness?  Anemia returning?  As for the latter, it certainly would make perfect sense given the symptoms.

Just so doggone tired of all of this stuff.  You know?  And, honestly, I'm pretty tired of the voice in my head that is constantly trying to figure out the why's and wherefores of all that's happening.  Well, at least my Rice Crispies aren't talking to me, right?  There's that at least. lol

Okay, so I'm still able to laugh and smile, but it's not easy to do so.  Weak, shaky, nausea, intense lower back pain (which stopped the last time I had IV iron infusions), taste buds about dead, and my tongue is sore.  *sigh* seriously.  What the actual hell?

Drink this, take that, take it with a full meal, don't take it with this or that, take it at this time... omg...

Sitting here looking at my coffee cup, knowing that I'm down 2 cups and afraid to drink anything.  Will it STAY DOWN if I do, is the burning question.

Phooey.

So yeah, I'm doing a lot of complaining today.  I could just not say anything, but my body is complaining and setting off alarms saying something is still wrong, something isn't right at all, there's something else being missed here.

I know it.  My body knows it.  I don't have to say a thing, but it's there just the same.

....going to try another cup of coffee....