But Haven't I Spewed Enough Crap For One Day?

But there's never enough spewing of crap!  Well, I actually have spewed enough crap on my other blogs, but that doesn't mean I'm done.  With so much happening in my life right now, so much that interferes with my life and leaving me with no QUALITY of life... oh yes, there's much crap to spew. I assure you.

In so many ways I have the best seat in the house to the most ridiculous display of 'man' spewings.  Now I will say this about T---he's a good guy, a funny guy, and often very sweet. However, quite honestly he's still in the 'typical man' club just like most others.  Doesn't make him bad--it just makes him difficult to deal with, to reason with.

I'm just too tired for 'typical.'

So as I sit up front and center to one of the biggest shit-shows life has to offer I get the residual sound effects from the man camp.  How is it I get through a day is often beyond me.  I have way too much to deal with as it is, my health is shot to hell.. and I'm told, of all things, to "Avoid stress."  Uh huh.  And exactly how am I supposed to do that?  I'll wait.....

Incredibly, there isn't anything I can do to stop the stress as what I face here at home on a daily basis isn't something I can walk away from or avoid... or even ignore.  What a clever assessment on how things should be handled, right?  Just simply avoid stress.  Gosh.  Why didn't I think of that before?  *sigh*

With writing in ALL of my blogs today I'm finding myself understandably tired and drained.  That's not entirely bad, though, as once I've emptied myself of all that's bugging me I can proceed with putting at least mental/spiritual effort into filling that emptiness with something better, whatever that may be.

For the moment, and ONLY for the moment it's just me and my dog here at the house and all is quiet, calm.  I'd be smart to take advantage of that, so... I'm signing off for now and will try again tomorrow to talk about more substantive issues.  *snort*  yeah, I'm laughing too.

Till tomorrow....

"You've chosen lessons of pain"

I received a message with this video in it yesterday.  I have no idea who the person is who sent it... but, oddly.. this is one of my favorite songs and one I listen to every night.  Headphones on, dark room, and songs to obliterate the thoughts....

When Will I Be Heard. Actually Heard?

Seems a common theme in my life is that I'm often surrounded by people who tune me out.  The exception to this are my sons.  But outside of my sons... I see the world, for the most part, as a very tuned-out and self-interested place to live.  It's just the way it is and is evident as everyone I see has their heads buried in their cell phones if anyone at anytime takes even one breath.  I mean, are people that scared of being alone with their thoughts?  Does the modern world discard anything that doesn't promote self-interest?  I've no idea, but I do know it's not a great place to live most of the time.

No one promised anyone a large audience in which to vent their grievances.  But for the sake of humanity people really should try stepping outside of their own personal lives and address the world at large that exists beyond those few inches outside of their skin.  It's not painful, you know, taking a moment to BE humane.

I see humans but no humanity.   I don't remember who said this or where I may have read it, but I've never forgotten it.  And I'm not perfect---and neither is anyone else.  When people forget this incredibly important fact their humanity slips into a state of coma.  It's been my experience that once you slip into that dark place it takes some work to extract yourself from its grip.  And what a grip it can have too.  Luckily, I've been rather an emotional person most of my life and take on way too much of what others feel in any given circumstance.  <--Don't confuse that with a sense of 'better than thou."  It's anything but.

As I work my way through posting in all of my blogs here I find that the fatigue, the utter 'dullness' of my day and life overall.. doesn't budge one single bit.  Used to be I could work through issues by writing about them, but it hasn't been much help lately.

I'm tired.... hurting.  I'm really just spent.  I may not get to the other blogs today....

Anger? Surprise? Inspiration at its worst? WTH?

REPOST from my other blog(s):

Sometimes I get a spark of something that inspires me.  Such inspiration doesn't always present itself in the best way, though, but I usually try to go with it when it happens.  Such gems shouldn't be taken for granted but taken advantage of.  It really is that rare.

In the midst of fighting for every drop of energy that can be found wherever it is I can find it, a tiny burst will make its way into the day and nudge me.  Okay, I can certainly deal with that.  Wish there were MORE of it, but I'll take what I can get and go with it nonetheless.

The fuel for this little 'fire' isn't from a good source, definitely not a positive force, and most definitely not from a pleasant source.  Be that as it may, there it is... kind of like when your dog has an accident and you're left looking at it wondering to yourself what you did to deserve such a... 'gift'? lol  Okay, okay... enough with lame attempts at comedy.  Even so, the conversation with a friend of mine earlier today was what ignited this whatever-it-is and sent me on a journey to try and put my thoughts in order.  I found the results of that rather.. lacking.

All this blabbering, to be honest, is just my working through it all.  Not the conversation, because that was interesting and creatively invigorating.  But the chaos I'm dealing within the thought process at the moment is simply trying to pull together the shards of data that's left from past experience.  Anyone who understands this knows where I'm coming from.  G knows.  She gets it.  And, from what I read on her blog(s)... she's been able to run with it without tripping like a clown every step of the way that I've been.  Eh.  I'm still confident that this purging will eliminate the chaff and reveal the good stuff.  I'll be back to discuss that when it happens.

Home.

One thing I've known for certain for pretty much all of my life is that when I'm ill, I long for home.  When I was little I knew where that place was, and despite its terrible flaws it was still home.  As an adult I was surprised to find that I no longer knew exactly where home was.  So I would spend the majority of my adult life longing for a place that quite possibly, for me anyway, doesn't exist.  I've never been able to reconcile this; not physically, and certainly not emotionally.

The closest I've come to being "Home" once moving out of my mom's house at 18 is Mobile, AL.  I had a tiny little apartment, and though not every moment there was perfect, it felt safe, and it felt like a warn welcome every time I walked through the door--no matter how good or bad things were.  It was a safe place for me to be myself, where I could decompress, where I could dream, wish, hope and feel alive.  This is not the case where I am now.  Not even close.

How did I get here?  I got here the same way I got into every bad situation in my life; By pure blind trust.  It's a flaw of mine and one that's gotten me into more trouble than I can tell you.  I give people the benefit of the doubt, take them on their word, and actually believe what they say.  Well, to a point anyway.  The thing is, that 'point' in which I pivot and see the error of my ways is usually far too late to avoid any damage to my life, and to me.

I'll probably always be this way, a far too trusting person.  I'm okay with that, I guess.  But I really wish I were better at assessing and discerning the heart and motives of people BEFORE I get involved.  We all have our flaws, I suppose.

As I wait for the sluggish process of diagnosis beyond the AIH, I'm left far too vulnerable for my liking.  There are days I can't walk well, verging on not at all, and days where lifting my arms to look at my phone is almost too much.  The weakness grows more each day and the doctors I need to see are weeks out of reach since I'll be a new patient.  The waiting is going to end me in the ER at some point, I'm afraid.  But the worst of this is being this sick and living in a place where I know absolutely no one at all.

T only helps around here bare minimum, and as the chores, etc. pile up... I long for the simplicity of the life I had in Mobile, where I didn't have to clean up after another human who refuses to do what's necessary to not live in a dirty, cluttered house.  I can't live this way, so I struggle to pick up the slack.  And I'll tell you, the slack is far far more than what T actually does.

How the hell did he survive on his own?

I have to somehow find my way home--wherever that is.  I know I can keep struggling a little bit to find my way here, to at least hang in there until I'm better---or at least better enough to survive, to move, to do something to help myself.  At this rate I don't know if I can work, which scares that crap out of me.  Disability requires a definite diagnosis, and at this time I don't have one that explains fully how I'm continuing to weaken and become more and more sick.  What can I do if even typing an entry like this makes me shaky and nauseated with weakness?

I want to be well again, to feel good again, to have energy again.  I want to be in a position where I can find my way back home again.

Home.  I just want to be... home.

The Similarities of Day to Day Life.

Or shall we call it "A life of perpetual sameness"?  Either way, I'm going to make damn sure I change this.  I have to.

I've posted enough here for you guys to know where I am at the moment.  Dealing with communication and respect issues from T, issues that make themselves known every day and every night without fail.  You also know by now that my tolerance for this is extremely thin, verging on non-existent.  Notwithstanding innocent goof and human blunders, somewhere in the chaos one has to actually SEE the damage being done.  "I" see the damage because I'm a recipient of most of it, but T sits quietly on the river "Denial" and refuses to move.  Ok.  Whatever.

He doesn't like my bluntness and doesn't want me to say aloud the truth that threatens not only to completely destroy this relationship, but the truth that's destroying my peace of mind, health, and happiness.  He's in blissful ignorance, so I don't have any choice other than to say exactly what's on my mind.

When I'm trying to open a discussion, when I need to point out behaviors in someone that TRULY need addressing, I use non-combative phrases.  I speak of how I feel, what the harmful behavior is, but I don't point fingers, name-call, label, etc., because that approach causes damage as well.  I know how to communicate, as long as people allow me to communicate.

Repeatedly disrespecting me is a huge deal and would be for pretty much anyone.  Not allowing anyone to disrespect me was a lesson only recently learned, so I'm still a little awkward with it and finding my balance and strength when approaching the subject.  I'm getting there.  Now, in the process I've become fairly blunt when I've taken all I can, and all PC is out the window.  I speak my mind now while doing my best to preserve the other person's (in this case T) self-esteem.  I've no interest in becoming what I most despise so won't allow myself to go there.

T believes that when I point out what he does that hurts, offends, and disrespects me.. that it's a form of disrespect and that I shouldn't say anything at all.  But I assure you, that approach NEVER works and is, in fact, quite harmful to relationships and the individuals.  If I shove down my feelings, ignore the disrespect, and take the punches in silence... I will eventually resent that person, and that person right now is T.  No matter how I try to explain this--he doesn't get it and shows no indication of trying to understand or stop the disrespectful behavior.

Again, as I've said many times before, I'm not trying to make T out as a bad guy or to demonize him. He's NOT a bad guy--he's just blind to the things he does and doesn't do that greatly and adversely affect me in so many ways.  I hang in there for the obvious reasons, and I do so because I hold hope very close, hope that he'll see what he's doing so it can be stopped.

I may be a bit foolish for relying on hope this way given my past experiences and hope-filled failures.  But there's no reason NOT to hope.  In fact, hope is the great buffer of all things, isn't it?  Life tends to slip apart when hope is lost.

Damage control: There's been a lot of this with most being unsuccessful.  And I'm no stranger to damage control given past relationships that left me holding the weight of fixing everything.  One person CANNOT fix a relationship, nor can one person break it.  If a relationship is going bad, guaranteed there are TWO people at fault, even if it's the behavior of one and the acceptance of that behavior by the other.  It takes two people to break a relationship and two to repair it; an absolute truth.

Sometimes there are victims, yes, but 'most' victims are willing.  Meaning, when you have a way out of a bad situation and don't get on board with preparing things, and if you stay and suffer the damaging consequences.. then you've willingly participated in that damage.

As for me, I was a willing victim.  I played the martyr in love more times than I like to admit.  My role in a past relationship which did a LOT of damage to my self-esteem, body, etc. I take full responsibility for.  I remained in a bad situation, and though I believed that he and I could fix things I refused to see and acknowledge (for far too long) that the weight of that burden was planted fully on me.  I should've left at the first sign of serious problems.

I should have bailed when the relationship began changing the way I saw myself, how I thought of myself, when it began to depress me and fill my entire world with anxiety.  I should have been my own best friend and stood up for ME.  Instead, I did everything I possibly could to change into the distorted version he wished me to become.  It doesn't take a genius to understand that my acceptance of abuses, be they emotional or physical, would nearly destroy me as a person; I get it NOW, but I didn't get it THEN, not until it was too late and the damage was done.

I had to forgive myself more than the other person, because it was ME who let myself down.  I didn't have my own back, and I allowed everything till nearly the end.  It wasn't until I had a TIA and ended up in the hospital (very shortly after the last blow up) did I realize to what degree I'd been beaten up inside and how it had shattered me.

In the hospital the doctors asked about my level of stress, had I been dealing with major life changes such as a death in the family, financial hardship, and/or a breakup.  That was the first time the lightbulb went on and I began to introspect as I lay in that hospital bed with nothing but the hum of the heater to interfere with what came to me.  The realization was harsh, brazen, and shattering in its truth.  I had to get out of the relationship; I had to let go; and I had to do it to save my life.

This wasn't a comfortable awareness when it came blazing out of the deep recesses in which unpleasant things go to smolder.  But there was nothing I could do, really, but allow it into the light and face what it was, what I'd always known but refused to acknowledge.

So the burning question for most people at this point, after hearing/reading about my experience, the question everyone I knew at the time had is: Why the hell did I stay so long?  I stayed because I was in love with him.  Isn't that why any of us stay in bad or toxic relationships, because of our feelings and our sometimes misguided hopes that he/she will change?

I wouldn't find out until much later, until it was far too late and the damage was taking over my life and destroying happiness, that the person I fell in love with didn't really exist.  If you've read my blogs for a while you've heard me say this, and that's because the realization that I fell in love with a lie is profound and one I struggle with today for obvious reasons: You can't say goodbye to someone who doesn't exist.

The mask slipped and I discovered the truth beneath.

To this day everything about me struggles to reconcile who I thought I loved with who I was actually dealing with.

I believe that this problem of irreconcilable truths, for me, is fanning the flames of what's happening in the current relationship.  While I knew this was a possibility there wasn't any reasonable way to prepare for the experience itself.  On one hand being protective is necessary, but on the other hand.. always being poised in defense isn't a good idea either.

This emotional struggle could end with closure; something I will never have.  I can't say goodbye to someone who never existed, now can I?

Yeah... and therein lies the biggest problem of all.  This fight, this struggle permeates day to day life.  T's disrespect, whether purposeful or accidental permeates day to day life.  Health problems worsen and take over day to day life.  There seems to be no end to this....

The Manly Art of Being a Gentleman.

Sadly, I'm often surprised how many guys think they're a gentleman but lack the characteristics to hold that esteemed title.  Somewhere along the line behaving like a gentleman, acting, dressing, and thinking like a gentleman lost it's appeal in the male population and was replaced mostly by pseudo-manners and a false bravado that clash to expose the afflicted.  Why is this?  Well, I wish I knew.  What I do know is the effect this has on the female population; at least most of us anyway.

What turns me on the most are 3 very specific traits, and if a man possesses all 3... he's definitely a keeper!


1. He knows what a gentleman is and genuinely exhibits those traits.

2. He's intelligent.

Now, the above list isn't all-inclusive, but my point here is: if a man is a gentleman he's going to possess pretty much all of those traits we women admire and wish for in a man.

Where have all the genuine gentlemen gone?

We could speculate all day long and then some about what makes a man a gentleman, but let's suffice it to say that it's a whole lot more than opening doors.  This topic is bigger than you think, because what appears and should be a no-brainer has become complex in today's world due to many factors.

Maybe guys have just lost their way and have no interest in refining themselves to the degree needed. Oh well, I know I for one can spot a true gentleman.  Have I steered clear of those who turned out to be nothing close to gentlemen?  No.  I made huge mistakes all things dating and relationships.  I guess for the ones who put on a good show I allowed myself to ignore the small (at first) warning signs until I was in love and completely lost.  It's not pretty, but it's true.  I gave the benefit of doubt to a couple of guys who honestly didn't deserve it.

I will always believe that there are gentlemen out there, genuine gentleman through and through.  There's no way I'll allow myself to believe any other way and will absolutely refuse to allow such non-gentlemanly guys I've dated in the past ruin this belief.

The Non-Attractive Art of Half-Assing Life.

I'm here.  I thought I would have to lay down and shut down for a while like I did yesterday (boy, was that something).  It's funny how anxiety can over-stimulate and shut one down in a brief time, and at this time I'm waiting for the shut-down part.  Honestly, I was gearing up for just a minor reboot, something I can achieve at times with just laying down and listening to some music for a bit.  However, that was quickly kicked to the curb by finding yet something else T had 'half-assed.'  Trust me, if he were a superhero like Spiderman, 'Half-assing' would definitely be his Spidey Power.

My mom, like most parents I believe, taught me "Anything worth doing is worth doing right."  Even as a child this made sense to me, so I usually went an extra step or two in doing most everything.  So how is it that someone my age, who claims his parents taught him manners etc, makes half-assing (among other things) something to strive for?  I just don't get it.

I find myself each day dotting the 'i's and crossing the 't's, things T leaves for me like I'm his mother.  And the worst of the half-assing is when it comes to a blatant lack of appreciation for something he paid money for.  Never mind, for the moment, the truly important things in life he half-asses.  Let's just stick to the material goods that somehow doesn't seem to be important enough to take care of.  And yes, this is VERY much important.

The sunroom here at this new house is really quite lovely, and through the coldest months and days (which aren't over yet) the boxes containing the large, round ottoman, the plastic bags that contained the cushion covers, and the boxes that contained the cushions sat outside and awaiting assembly.  I can certainly understand maybe not wanting to put everything together while it's freezing outside, especially when there's no promise of milder days in which to enjoy sitting outside.  But now that we've had a string of days in the high 60's and even mid 70's I didn't really see any reason to not assemble the patio furniture and make us of the sunroom.  We moved in while it was cold (November), and now it's time to get things put together.

Over the past couple of weeks I've asked T to put the patio furniture together--something that is REALLY easy since there's no real 'assembly' involved except for attaching the  legs to the base of the big ottoman.  The chairs don' t need assembly, and all of the 'work' involved is putting the cushion covers on the cushions; a relatively easy job for anyone who isn't sick.

I didn't get a chance to see what he'd done until a short while ago, and wow... it really looks like a 10yr old put the cushion covers on.  I mean, wow.  To be truthful, it looks awful, right there on the verge of embarrassing.  It's a mess.  When he came into the kitchen to get something to drink I brought it up to him (he's working from home today), and the only thing he said was... "It was kind of hard to...." I guess I'll have to have him bring the cushions indoors so I can fix them myself.  Won't be easy with all the weakness in my arms, etc., but... I'm willing to try so the foam cushions aren't ruined by being bent and twisted inside the covers.

Honestly, I've known very few men in my life that will spend money on something and not care whether it's going to be ruined or not.  In fact, with it comes to patio furniture, outdoor grills, and yard work... most men I've known in my life care enough to take a great deal and take pride in taking care of and maintain those things.  Why does T half-ass everything, including the yard work?  Well, I honestly couldn't tell you.  It's really a huge mystery to me.  I have to light MULTIPLE fires under his ass to get anything done.  I just---don't---get it.

I've begged T to hire someone to do the yard work, even had to beg him to hire a 'handyman' that can help me with some other things around here.  Why?  Because he won't do it himself without WEEKS of prodding (no exaggeration), and that's IF he does it at all.  He won't even finish the yard work when he does do anything out there, which I also don't understand.  It's not a small yard (the back is relatively small), but it's not a giant yard either.  I'm lucky to get him to mow the front yard, much less take care of shrubs, rake leaves, etc.  I just don't know what to do, short of calling around and hiring somebody myself.

This is really, really stressful.  Among all the other things I have to contend with, this is just so so so draining.  I don't trust him, because he lies to me, outright and by omission, and fails miserably to follow-through with whatever task he begins.  Oh, how I wish I wear at least as healthy as I was about 3-4 years ago so I could just do it myself.  I could get it done.  But I can't.  I just can't.

Men constantly complain about women "nagging" them.  Well, in MY situation, it's either nag (in this case BEG) for things to be done OR hire someone else to do it, someone who will not only get the job done but do it right!

I hate to say it, but I'm poised at this point to take it upon myself to hire someone who can come here and do a few odd jobs, someone else to take care of the lawn that's been ignored.  T has made it clear he's incapable, and I just don't have the strength to keep begging and begging.  Shrubs that were supposed to be trimmed in the back yard in December or January are still untrimmed.

I'm the type of person to get things done that need done.  Everything from making my bed every day to sweeping and vacuuming on a daily basis (I have a Basset Hound who sheds), and making sure to dust (I have a bad dust allergy), make sure dishes are washed or in the dishwasher, cleaning the bathrooms on a weekly basis, etc... those things I've always made sure were done.  I don't like living in a nasty home and it becomes a TERRIBLE stressed to face a dirty house, sneezing and running nose with sinus headaches due to too much dust... oh boy, I can't even begin to express how it just wreaks havoc on my peace of mind.

I don't fault anyone for being a messy housekeeper.  It's not my place to tell anyone or judge.  But when it comes to MY personal living space, my home, and my health... I do draw the line.

For the past couple of weeks or so my eyes have been SEVERELY swollen with black circles, very dark black circles under my eyes, and crippling headaches due to allergy flair-ups that OTC Claritin has yet to even touch.  My eyes are red, itchy and sore, and I haven't had a decent night's sleep due to the congestion.  T offered to sweep and vacuum---which takes approximately 7-10 minutes, literally only 7-10 minutes, but he conveniently 'forgets.'  He forgets even when I've gone through a fortune in tissues due to constantly blowing my nose.  I try to sweep what I can, but it's getting where I can't do it anymore... and I need someone's help.  T promises to help, then he breaks his promise.. then wonders why I don't trust him anymore.

I totally understand oversight.  I totally get being too tired, etc.  But what I have issues with is that he promises to do these things then 'conveniently' forgets...for days and days and weeks.

He doesn't understand at all when I tell him I'm not sure how long I can stay here, with him, in this life.  He behaves desperately when I am blunt and tell him that I'm getting sicker here and need to be around people who care about me, people who can help me now and then with things I honestly can't do myself right now.  He says he can do it, that he cares, that he loves me, etc.  And yet I continue to get sicker with problems that can easily be avoided altogether by taking 7-10 minutes out of his day to help.  If he can't or doesn't WANT to help, then he should say so and allow me to get someone who can.  And yes, I've discussed this with him and used those exact words.

I've told T he doesn't HAVE to help me, that he doesn't HAVE to do anything at all.  No one can make him do anything he doesn't want to do, including me, and I have no desire to force him to do anything.  But it doesn't change the fact that I can't breathe, I can't sleep, that my eyes are horribly swollen and painful and somewhat due to my allergies.

Ever seen anyone in the throes of allergies without the benefit of medication?  Yeah, it's a pretty miserable sight.  And what it FEELS like is much worse than what it looks like.  I'm miserable with prednisone and prednisone-withdrawal symptoms, which include swelling in the face and eyes and many other lovely symptoms, so I do NOT need to add allergy symptoms on top of it all.  Prednisone helps inflammation, even that due to allergies.  During withdrawal from Prednisone allergy symptoms can be FAR WORSE than ever before, and that's what's happening now.  I can't let the dust etc. build up throughout the house because it's making things 1,000 times worse.

Yes, I'm upset.  I feel horrible, and much of what's making me feel horrible can be avoided.  Oh well. I guess I just ask too much, huh?

Time to ask around and search for someone who can help around here with household jobs and yard work.  I'm done waiting.... just done.

Dear God, please make me well so I can be strong enough to take my life back... even if it means leaving here....

Friday Lost Meaning.

Fridays, when you're unable to work or do anything, when you're house-bound by illness (even if temporary) loses its meaning and becomes yet just another day of the week.  It's true.  I'm not exactly sure when Fridays actually meant anything to me, to tell you the truth, and I'm not exactly sure how to make Fridays (or weekends) special again.  Ah, who cares, right?

Yeah, that's kind of where I am today, muddling over the broken artifacts of a life I used to live.

Blah.  Damn prednisone.

Laugher is about the only thing that gets me from point A to point B from one day to the next, and if I can't make Fridays special, I can at least make them funny.  Right?

Yeah.  That's what I'm telling myself today. ;p

So if you read my latest entry in "Where Fireflies Dream," you know I'm all about spending my time wisely.  There's no way I'm squandering precious time on foolish things or people.  This is just a fact. When I have a good day I spend that day wisely, and since I don't really have 'good days' at this time it's imperative that I don't waste a second on BS.  And believe it or not, posting in my blogs isn't a waste of time.  I get to speak my heart, share my feelings or experience(s) or whatever; most of the time it really does help me through this difficult period of my life.

But I'm not going to re-visit the whole time issue here.

So okay, Donald Trump (whom I support!) won the NH primary!  I'm SUPER happy about that!  And last night, after the results were announced, I felt genuinely happy and excited, and I still am today.. despite the difficulties I'm experiencing with my health.  It doesn't matter, because at least one really good thing happened; I'll take it!

Okay...feeling like crap so am going to post in my other blogs and go chill for a while.

Smells Like BS.

If you've read my other blogs you can probably see me struggling to maintain emotional homeostasis.    I've only just decided to admit, again, that I'm depressed.  I'm not talking about the kind of depression that makes it so you can't function AT ALL, but the kind that knocks you on your ass as you wake up every day and try again and keep going, despite the obstacles.  I wake up and have one absolute goal, and that's to Persefuckingvere!  I mean, what else is there at this point?

I don't need people telling me everything's fine, I'll be okay, they 'understand' (when they absolutely don't).  I don't need canned platitudes and niceties, nor do I need anyone's silence either.  In fact, the silence is probably the greatest unkindness of all.  Wouldn't you agree?  I mean, silence is preferable than the standard BS people love to dish out, but it's harmful in its own way, believe me.

Social networking is fraught with a filtered indifference and disconnection of people, of humanity.  Why say a kind or supportive or compassionate word when you can just find the right meme... or say nothing at all while posting 30 more cat pictures?  Hey, I LOVE animals, have taken in rescues (my basset hound and last living ferret are rescues), but I still know how to maintain my human connections while still loving animals.  But something happens to people when they try to 'connect' through social media; we all see it, feel it, experience it on a daily basis on Facebook, and to a lesser degree on Twitter.

I've deactivated my original FB account a couple of years ago over relationship drama.  And I've since RE-activated that profile but haven't gone in to clean house in order to begin using it again.  I really need to do that, because it's going to be a lot like moving into a better neighborhood when I do.  WHY I ever allowed myself to be bullied to the extent of deactivating my FB account and creating another... isn't completely lost on me, though I wish I had stood my ground at the time.  Oh well.  That was then, this is now, and it's time.

In no way am I looking for 'meaningful connections' on Facebook, and here's why:

Experience has taught me that even the people you know IRL often fall prey to the disconnected mindset that comes with relying too much on social media networks to maintain a friendship or any kind of relationship.  Nowhere else is it more apparent who your friends REALLY are than in the realm of social media.  People don't have your back, ignore important posts and miss pretty much anything in your life that's going on that you find the courage to share.  For some, the drama postings are proliferate as they either rant and rave about someone or some situation, or they take the passive/aggressive approach with cryptic messages and memes.  I call BS on anyone who does this.

Either grow a pair and face me with what you have to say OR STHU already.

And people will post their cryptic messages knowing their 'supporters' will descend to comment and commiserate.  Boy, have I seen this in action before, and it's the main reason I deactivated my original FB account.  It was nauseating to see grown adults behaving like Jr. High school kids.  I was done with the drama, sick of the BS, and was finding myself with waning trust, respect, and love for the person who was doing this.  Even I can take only so much for so long.

Just hoping I will have the strength and energy today to update and 'move in' to my old profile again.

Because I Can.

It's inevitable, isn't it?  Social networking is like trying to have a picnic beneath a buzzing hornets nest.  We know the situation is precarious, especially when so many have now succumbed to chronic butt-hurt, and yet we persevere, post to our little heart's content, and laugh at the wrath some things inspire from unstable people.  We try to understand, and some will try to edit what they post in order to 'keep down the drama.'  Thing is, the drama is on their side, not ours.  I mean, getting bent out of shape over what someone posts is a lot like being offended by the furniture in your neighbor's house... and saying so.  It's rude, and it's inappropriate.

So why do people do it if it's just going to stir up trouble?  Well, the answer to the question is in the question itself.  Some people are addicted to drama, and you can spot them readily because they'll be the ones complaining constantly, and in their passive/aggressive manner, about everyone else's "drama."  I know you guys have seen this.

I'm always a little amazed, watching them melt-down, lose control, judge others for speaking their minds, all the while trying desperately trying to blur the line between 'victim' and 'bully.'  Know the type I'm talking about?  These are the people who will call you an idiot while claiming they're above such behavior.

It's perplexing.

Here's the thing: Social networking doesn't come with a carte blanche card to attack other people's views, etc.  You have a choice to keep going if you see a post you don't like, and most stable, intelligent people will do just that.  And yes, there are exceptions, such as someone outright attacking, bullying, posting personal or sensitive information about you, etc.  I mean, by all means.. call them out on it if they do that, and be sure to block their sorry asses when you're done.  Nobody likes a bully.

Now, you also have to practice what you preach.  I choose not to comment if I don't like something, and I refrain when possible the urge to behave in passive/aggressive ways.

I personally don't believe we should censor our speech just to make other people more comfortable.  DO know that I'm NOT including bullying in this, because that will NEVER be okay.  Not ever.  But outside of bullying, we can say what we want, given it's within keeping with said SN TOS.

My personal experience in this current political climate has been that the chronically butt-hurt come out in force when I post something that isn't in keeping with their own views.  One person in particular has taken to some very nasty commenting on posts he doesn't agree with, and often it's simply posts in support of who my chosen presidential candidate is.  Now why would anyone have to vomit nastiness on a positive post?  Who knows?  Who cares?  My posts on my page aren't open to bullying and nastiness.  I will either delete your posts or block you.  Enough is enough.  For the record, I've not yet blocked this other person, but that could change quickly after today's nastiness.

When has free speech turned into 'free to bully'?  I don't have the answer to this question either, but maybe it's more a rhetorical reference than anything else.  Either way, some people really don't understand how stubborn I can be when it comes to another trying to control what I do, how I think, how I feel, and so on.  Yeah, I can assure you.. you really don't want to poke the bear like that.

Bullying doesn't work on me, and you'll find quite the opposite response than what you hope for.  But then, I think these types of drama queens actually WANT the drama, which is why they spend SO much time tossing insults.  Why else would they do it if that's the only payoff?

So today this person went on a rant, tossing in character assassination remarks and such, and quite a few at that.  But the main complaint is that he didn't want to see political posts and actually stated that if you're posting more than 2-3 per day that your friends are "Fucking sick of you."  Well, what he thinks was a clever cut down and shaming tactic I see only as a challenge, and one I accepted right off.  Today is going to be a day when the political posts will continue.. all.. day.. long.

I don't give in to bullies, who are really just cowards anyway.  My page, my posts, and anyone who doesn't like it can click the 'unfollow' or 'unfriend' button!  You can't bully me.  You can't censor me.  And you can't control me.

Challenge me, and you may be surprised at my response.  And remember, you can't un-ring that bell.

I also practice what I preach: if I see a post I don't like... I move on.  Having the restraint to NOT react is empowering, because when you do as that other person did today you show weakness, an inability to control your own emotions and behavior.  Why would anyone willingly do that?  There are venues outside of social media to air your grievances if needed.  Hell, I have blogs where I can speak my mind and get things off my chest WITHOUT drawing attention to the person I may be talking about.  Having been at the receiving end of abuse and character assassination I choose to refrain from going down that road if possible.  But I assure you, I'm NOT afraid to stand up for myself; that's a completely different thing altogether anyway.

As they say... haters gonna hate. ;p

Divided We Fall

It's not just a cliche.

What a political storm we're in these days.  Hate and divisiveness on both sides.  But not EVERY presidential candidate is about division, and as you guys probably know by now.. my choice is Donald Trump.  I'm not going into all the why's and wherefores.. just know I've watched him throughout his career and KNOW he's been completely consistent in who and what he is, what he stands for.  Let's just leave it at that and focus on the subject I want to discuss....

Roger Ailes (Fox News) bashed Trump AND all of his supporters.  Bashed as in nasty, ugly, hateful and demeaning rhetoric that literally pissed of more people than you could imagine.  Of course, the horse-faced shrew, Megyn Kelly, was brought back on to moderate the 7th debate, with Ailes FULLY knowing that it would cause issues---and turn the debate into a political version of the Jerry Springer Show.  Trump said "NO" to the debate and decided to do a fundraiser for our veterans.  Trump's supporters immediately began tweeting that they would back him entirely on this!  And we DID!

Trump's event was a TOTAL success, earning some $6,000,000.00 for our veterans!  Trump put in $1,000,000.00 of his own money, just in case anyone is wondering.

Too late---Ailes called Trump and apologized for what he did, and Trump told him emphatically that he made a promise to the veterans to hold the charity rally... and that he was going to do exactly that.  See, what people don't understand is that Donald Trump DOES exactly what he says he'll do, and he's been that way throughout his entire career.  This is one major reason we supporters love him... because his word is gold.

Trump was ridiculed for his decision to skip the debate...

The bitter hatred and ugliness from Ted Cruz supporters was and IS UNBELIEVABLY vile in its delivery, with nasty, hateful tweets and posts on FB... in response to positive and uplifting tweets/posts regarding helping the veterans.  Only assholes would do such a thing, and boy are there a LOT of assholes out there!  And oddly, the democrats are not just playing it safe by not attacking Trump to this extent, but they're making a VERY strong political statement by refraining.  I mean, I'm a former Democrat turned Republican, and I will NEVER go back to that party, I promise.  But I have to say that I'm really shocked and saddened by the sheer numbers of "More-Conservative-than-thou" republicans who metamorphosed into political cannibals!  What the HELL is wrong with people these days?  And the Dems just sit back and watch the Republican party self-destruct.   Brilliant move on the Dems part, you have to admit.

SOME of the candidates refrain from the political cannibalism that seems SO popular these days.. so they can unite for a common cause. Such is with the case of Trump's charity rally last night.  He invited Huckabee and Santorum to the event and asked them to speak.  It was a BEAUTIFUL thing to see, FINALLY to see members of the republican party BEHAVE like republicans, like decent human beings.  All the ugliness and bashing and hatred was happening, but it was happening elsewhere... most of it coming from a disingenuous Ted Cruz.

Honestly, I would love to see a Trump/Huckabee ticket, personally. But seriously... was such an impressive and moving event.  And to tell you the truth, I'm not even sure why Huckabee is low on the polls.  He's a stand-up guy with great policies.  Still, would be nice if Trump would bring him on for VP.... 

Meanwhile, back at the RNC.... Republican elitists, those 'more-concervative-than-thou' bullies all look like a bunch of brawling, desperate fools, while democratic front runners are sitting back quietly and watching the show.   Because they're (the Dems) aren't fighting amongst themselves. But there's genius in that, because what they're doing is stepping back and letting the republican party tear itself apart.. candidate by candidate, and with liberal media help.

Wake the hell up, America!!!  UNITY, people! We ALL lose if we're divided!  Stop tearing each other apart---and this has to happen with candidates AND voters!

Hello?

Disclaimer: In any of my blogs, especially this one, I'm not always going to post things that resonate with everyone.  Kind of a 'duh' statement, but I feel it needs to be said anyway.  Nothing I write here is meant to be everyone's truth---it's just MY truth.  I don't expect anyone to agree with me and feel the world is a far more interesting place because people have their own views, likes, dislikes, tastes, opinions, etc.  This blog was created for those times when I have to work through things that aren't making much sense to me.  I'm just allowing myself to let it 'all hang out' in order to find my way through the muddle in hopes that, in the end, I'll find some clarity and help others along the way.

FIRSTLY, do realize my sense of humor can be odd, eccentric, strange, and a little 'smart-assy' at times.  ;)

Okay, getting on with it then...

As the waiting game continues with my health insurance company, I'm left wondering if this other health problem will ever be addressed.  At what point to I give up, or at what point does push come to shove?  Either way, my hands are tied because the ultimate authority here is the insurance company themselves, and the only answer they seem to have is 'no.'  But that's NOT what this entry is about...

Across the board, all the actions, reactions, inactions, and infractions are a complex and chaotic mess of being on a corticosteroid and trying to live with the side effects, while simultaneously dealing with life's everyday nuisances.  Who does this make me these days?

I'm still me, always will be me, and I'm not apologizing for that.  Yet I still find the need to assess what I'm doing from day to day just the same, because keeping tabs on my thoughts and behavior is key to keeping some semblance of peace in my situation at the moment.  Do I handle things well right now, the stressors, the anxiety, the depression?  Nope!  But then, this entry isn't about that either...

So what the hell is my point?  Okay, I'll be blunt here---the point is that my tolerance for difficult people has waned considerably under the weight of all that is 'my life' right now.  I mean, yes.. I do have some tolerance, but it's not to the self-damaging degree that it once was in the past.  I mean, if I didn't LEARN something from my past experiences then I'm in BIG BIG trouble.  Thankfully, I'll be okay in that respect, because I consider that the lessons learned had and have an enormous impact on me.

Remember my mentioning that I need to turn my focus on healing?  That message has been quite a common theme in most of the entries lately, though I've refrained from telling details--again; so sorry about that.  Either way, in many respects I'm doing both you AND me a favor by NOT going to in-depth here all of the time.  Still, a part of me says I should.  What do I do with that information?

I need to turn things around.  My thinking, my approach, all of it has to work together in order to affect change.  It takes work, people.  WORK.  If you think you've found an easy way to affect change, my guess is that disappointment is over the horizon, the same horizon where you see the silver lining and believe it's just 'there' and ready to be stepped into.  Using that analogy, think about this: At what point does anyone ever reach the horizon?  No one does, nor does anyone walk right into a rainbow.  The closer you think you get, the further away it seems.

It really does take work to affect change.

Okay, so if you're thinking I sound negative right now, well.. maybe that's true.  I guess the realist in me is chomping at the bit to face things head-on, as unappealing as it may be.  If things aren't perfect or pretty or wonderful or amazing, then they're not.  Identifying and acknowledging WHAT IS gives you the tools to bring about WHAT YOU WANT.  If you don't know the house is on fire, you can't put that fire out.  Seriously.

For the record... I haven't EVEN begun to address what needs addressing... yeah, and this is the reason this blog has the title it does. ;p

Carry on...

The Dangers of Being Honest

Honesty has become a vulnerability.  People who speak their minds honesty are often faced with ridicule and contempt by those who have opposing views. I believe most of us get this and have experienced that ridicule first-hand.  While a valuable lesson, that ridicule and backlash, while it reminds us how we should choose our words carefully, we must always remember that honesty is STILL the best policy, and that lying by omission... is STILL lying.

A friend who reads all my blogs, and I mean every entry (bless her heart), sent me a message and said, "I don't know how you do it. Aren't you scared of haters bashing you?"  Well, no.. I'm not.  I refuse to allow haters and bullies to dictate how I think, behave, react or don't react to any given situation.  I mean, once you give away your power it's really hard to get it back.  It's best not to give your power to another to begin with.

I've relinquished my power to haters and bullies in my past.  My entire life, up until about 3 years ago, I learned to suppress my feelings, to bury anger deep, to hide the foundations of any feelings I had.  Not to say I wasn't emotional, because BOY was I ever.  I wore my emotions on my sleeve for the entire world to see.  But when it came down to recognizing for more than a second what created those emotions, and when it came down to standing up for myself, that's where everything fell apart, and it did so because I was taught early on that having those emotions.. was a bad thing.

I no longer think that, and because I no longer think that I FEEL more intensely those emotions I used to keep in check to the point of denial.  It's been a liberating process, being able to access feelings like that.  I don't have to apologize to anyone for having those feelings, and I reserve apologies now for when I HANDLE those feelings badly; thankfully this is seldom an issue.  So when someone writes me and is worried because I allowed the emotions and thoughts etc to flow freely on the pages here, or in my other blogs, I DO take into consideration what they're saying, but I also take into consideration that I've come a very long way to not only reach my feelings and access them more fully than before, but that it's MORE than OKAY to express them.

There is a danger to being honest.  There's a danger in speaking freely at times.  There's a risk that you won't please one person or another person, etc.  Not everyone is going to like what I'm saying.  But so what?  There will be those who DO, and it's with those people that the unspoken camaraderie is expressed and felt.  What I say, what I express, actually has helped people, and it's certainly helped me.  So I've no intention of changing this, just so everyone here is clear on where I stand.

I will accept the dangers of honesty and continue to be honest, sometimes bluntly, and I will take into consideration the edges honesty has by definition.  I'm not out to hurt anyone, and this is why I name NO names here as to whom I'm speaking about.. IF I'm speaking about someone else.  It occurs to me that having to say this means I'm still aware, very aware, of the risks I take.  But it doesn't matter.. I'm not here to write fiction or make things look better or worse than they actually are.

I'm going to be myself, haters and bullies be-damned.  No one should give up pieces of themselves for others to devour, and that's exactly what you do when you censor your words, thoughts, and feelings in a place or forum where you're there to speak your mind.  People can choose to read or not read, listen or not listen.  Actions are a choice.

So to my friend, though we've spoken about this at length--I hear you.  And I'm okay.  I'm okay with what any hater or bully thinks about me, because I don't answer to them.  And.. you shouldn't either.

It Begins the Same Every Day

....And it ends pretty much the same way.  Predictability to this degree is less than optimal for a full life.  Maybe that sounds a bit over-the-top, but it's the truth just the same.  And let's be clear here, I'm not speaking of the predictability that's needed in most important circumstances, but the kind that you recognize and expect because of history.  If you have a predictable outcome, what's the incentive to do anything any differently?

My attempts to affect change have fallen short of anything I would ever dare call success.  When problems or difficulty arises and the outcome is always the same, redirecting my approach to the issue just makes perfect sense.  Let's try something different; this is what I tell myself, and it's what I do, and somehow it still seems to make little to no difference whatsoever.  So then, what's the solution?

Maybe it's time I implement a little indifference myself, invoke the goddess ignora as it were and use my resources, whatever they may be at the time, to implement the change I want in my life.  Yeah, sure.. I know that sounds like the better place to have started, but there's this little thing called 'communication' that always seems to get in the way.

Will it FEEL different if I do something new?

Has it to-date, you know, FELT different?  No.  Not really.  And why would it matter what something FEELS like?  Because FEELING is everything.  FEELING is what stops us, encourages us, demands, suggests, and invokes an action or reaction to any inner or outside stimulus.  Get your mind out of the gutter. ;)  In all seriousness, unless you're a complete sociopath who feels nothing at all, this should make sense.

Okay, so what is it I FEEL then?  Anxiety.  Mild anger.  Disappointment.  Bewilderment, and... wait.  Is this what I'm really referring to when I say FEELING?  Maybe not, because that list is really more the EFFECTS of those feelings than the actual feelings themselves.  Well damn... that just got complicated, didn't it?

So what I'm basically dealing with here is changing MY behavior and the way I look at things so as not to have to constantly fight for what's right, or to be heard, or to even be respected.  Respect will still be a HUGE deal for me, of course, because that's part of what and who I am.  But I'm not going to allow disrespect to alter how I FEEL---as just one example.

I realized last night that I'm still in that place where I allow my health and my body to be torn down by the treatment of another towards me.  I can't keep doing that if I want to heal, to be healthy.  I just cannot allow that to continue.

The next step is... to break free of those chains that bind me, the ones I was shackled with as a child, carried into adulthood, and allowed to be manipulated by someone I'm with.

....I've got the 'what,' and now I need the 'how.'  That's at least something.