Autumn Whispers To Me: A memory. A book-to-be....

My favorite time of year is here, and I've taken the first steps to re-vamping my sites so I can have them live again.  A story, a memory, and a future-book, "Autumn Whispers to Me" will be live soon.  Until then, there are the audio blogs...

Outside of Normal.

NOTE: The font is wonky.  Blogger having odd formatting issues today.

Into my third cup of coffee while waiting for the prednisone withdrawal migraine to subside, I'm considering what my life will be like once I obtain "normal," whatever the hell that is.  Normal has been so absent in my life that I'm not even sure I'd recognize it if it slapped me in the face.  Honestly, who ares about 'normal' if you feel good?  Yeah--that's really kind of where I'm going with this.

At night, or during the day when I don't feel well, I lay down to appease the demands of my body and listen to music in hopes of remembering what it was like to feel well, to feel good, to have energy and vitality--to have ANY energy and vitality.  There I am, in pain, discarding hopelessness when possible.  Depression often wins, and it sure as hell tried to win yesterday and last night.  When did I become so susceptible to the whims of drug-induced thinking?  Since Prednisone, that's when.  I know this, and yet it's nearly impossible to distinguish the difference between what I really feel or am experiencing, emotion-wise, and the effects of my body scrambling to handle things without cortisol. People, I promise you, cortisol is absolutely necessary.

What I need at this time is for T to get his shit together and stop looking at what I'm going through as... well, as nothing.  Fat chance of that happening, which means I'm left to my own devices, and I don't have much in the way of devices these days.  My thoughts on this are pretty basic.  When someone is sick, especially THIS sick, it calls for change... even if temporary.  He doesn't change with the circumstances, and it's creating some serious havoc with my emotions and health.  How the flip do I deal with that?  Ugh.  Okay, so I'm really way off track here...

If normal had a job I'd have to say it didn't show up to work today.  Or yesterday.

OMG, seriously... this is too much.

Facebook Should Change its Name to "MemeBook."

I've shared my opinion of Facebook before.  It's no secret that I find most of the so-called interaction there more than just a little shallow.  Now before you get upset, notice I said MOST.  I understand not everyone is a meme junky, and I do know some people who actually do post thoughts, beliefs, experiences, and even what's happening in their lives.  As for me, I honestly grow very bored of the constant stream of memes and re-shared videos and wish people would choose to be REAL there, rather than reactive.

I love animals--absolutely have a soft heart for them.  So when people share funny and cute animal pics and vids I'm all for it.  I also love it when my favorite rescue groups share info.  I don't mind the occasional recipe or news article.  It's not like I want Facebook to just be another Twitter.  But the reason I prefer Twitter to FB is because people actually talk to one another, share a lot more than just making announcements about nothing in particular.

Another thing that can sometimes be annoying is when people post a sea of memes and videos, then out of the blue go on a complete tirade about someone else, or even about themselves.  And hey, I have NO problem with people who go off about something when most of their posts are literally bits and pieces of their lives, their dreams, goals, rants, etc.  But when someone is a 'Memer' and suddenly blasts another person for sharing something real, or blasts another for just being real, I have a huge problem with that.  And once someone does this---it's on!

Look, I love memes... they're fun, and they can get a message across with a flare.  I LOVE memes, especially the funny and sarcastic/rude ones. ;p  But memes aren't my form of communication.  I actually have a mind and voice.  To me, if one is using only memes to communicate what they think, feel, believe, etc... it mostly just comes across like they're fluent in Ransom Note.  Seriously.  My choice is to avoid that if I can... to not communicate in that way.

To each his/her own.  It's okay if you like memes.  It's not my place to tell anyone what to do or not do.  I'm simply making a point about Facebook, because I've grown disenchanted with the site and what it inspires most people to do.  Well, bored is another word I could use to describe how I feel about FB these days.

If you like memes--meme away!  I like them, too, a lot.  But I try to keep in-check how much I rely on memes to actually communicate.  It just seems like common sense to me.

Now, one thing I would suggest is to research what memes are and where the word 'meme' comes from!  I've done this and found the results... very very interesting.  Oh, and memes just aren't little pictures with words on them.  I don't want to give anything away, so if you have time... look up the history and uses of memes.. and learn when they're NOT a good thing. ;)

A Required Miracle.

Finding the strength to not crawl back in bed and disappear each day is becoming more difficult.  Finding anything at all to keep me going each day has become tiresome, monotonous, and a waste of time.  Yes, I realize this is depression talking.  Yes, I know my 'reality' is skewed by depression right now.  Yes, I know I have to not give up.  But is 'giving in' the same thing as 'giving up'?  I'm thinking... no, that it's something very different.  Aside from a miracle where I'm instantly transformed, where my LIFE is transformed, I'm carried with the current of 'what is' and left without the required miracle to turn my current life into something else other than what it is--a disaster.

Yesterday I was pretty shut-down, and today is no better.  Even as I sit here I want SO much to just crawl back in my bed, cover up, and completely disappear.  But disappearing comes with a hefty price, and that price is guilt.  Guilt because I feel like I'm not doing enough as it is and going back to bed, even if I am sick... just feels wrong.  Yeah, I realize that guilt shouldn't be a part of taking care of oneself, but it often is just the same.

I really can't stand feeling like this.  You've NO idea.

I want to feel good, energetic, hopeful, and I want to love my life again.  But how?  How in the world can I actually love THIS?

Crap.  Crap.  Crap.

*sigh*

Trump Supporter Kambree destroys National Review

I'm posting this across my blogs, because this woman speaks for SO many of us.  The original video she made is a lot longer than this, but this gets to the key points directly.  She speaks for SO many of us....

Labs Post-Prednisone & Azathioprine

So looks like another medication is being added to the list--Lasix, a water pill.  This is needed to reduce the amount of EXCESSIVE water retention caused by the Prednisone.  I'm really glad to know about this addition, though it's going to be rough heading to the bathroom constantly.  Oh... but I'm SO very glad to do so!  You've NO idea.  But there is other news as well...

Liver enzymes: At the start my liver enzymes (which is NOT a liver function test) were elevated some 7-8 times that of normal, depending on which end of normal you do the math from.  Considered by the doctors I saw these were considered "significantly elevated."  Some people have way more elevation than that, but apparently research says that the actual numbers don't always indicate prognosis or how significant the disease is at the time of diagnosis.  But today, thankfully, I'm told that the one enzyme that is still elevated is only elevated by a little now and "Much better than where it was before." YAY!!  That's good news!

While I have to wait to get the labs actually in my hand to SEE them, I was also told that some tests came back showing mild muscle inflammation.  Not sure which test that was, but it doesn't really surprise me.  I have labs rechecked next Monday also in order to make sure the Azathioprine is helping, and not hurting things.

Good news, right!? :D  And hey, as long as those numbers go down and into the normal range, I can deal with some side effects from Azathioprine.  I mean, as we go along this journey the prednisone will be tapered... and THAT is DEFINITELY a good thing!  Not treating AIH means possible progression to cirrhosis.  Only thing statistics say about this that I don't like much is that 80% of people who go OFF medication to control AIH have a flare up within 1-2 years, and it often comes with the nasty addition of fibrosis or cirrhosis.  Yeah, I'm okay with medication inconveniences over death, thank you. ;)

So what's the deal with muscle inflammation?  I've no idea.  Guess that may be addressed next... we'll see.

How's that for some good news? :D