Revelations, Post-Consumption.

NOTE:  I apologize if the audio isn't quite up to par, and I'm looking into a decent mic to cut down on the static heard.

"Post-Consumption" and what I mean by that.  AFTER a malignant narcissist chews you up and spits you out (narcissistic supply).  Plainly, put.

When Will I Be Heard. Actually Heard?

Seems a common theme in my life is that I'm often surrounded by people who tune me out.  The exception to this are my sons.  But outside of my sons... I see the world, for the most part, as a very tuned-out and self-interested place to live.  It's just the way it is and is evident as everyone I see has their heads buried in their cell phones if anyone at anytime takes even one breath.  I mean, are people that scared of being alone with their thoughts?  Does the modern world discard anything that doesn't promote self-interest?  I've no idea, but I do know it's not a great place to live most of the time.

No one promised anyone a large audience in which to vent their grievances.  But for the sake of humanity people really should try stepping outside of their own personal lives and address the world at large that exists beyond those few inches outside of their skin.  It's not painful, you know, taking a moment to BE humane.

I see humans but no humanity.   I don't remember who said this or where I may have read it, but I've never forgotten it.  And I'm not perfect---and neither is anyone else.  When people forget this incredibly important fact their humanity slips into a state of coma.  It's been my experience that once you slip into that dark place it takes some work to extract yourself from its grip.  And what a grip it can have too.  Luckily, I've been rather an emotional person most of my life and take on way too much of what others feel in any given circumstance.  <--Don't confuse that with a sense of 'better than thou."  It's anything but.

As I work my way through posting in all of my blogs here I find that the fatigue, the utter 'dullness' of my day and life overall.. doesn't budge one single bit.  Used to be I could work through issues by writing about them, but it hasn't been much help lately.

I'm tired.... hurting.  I'm really just spent.  I may not get to the other blogs today....

The fireflies have returned...

I often see them outside the bedroom window at dusk and in the dark.  Sometimes one will cling to the outside of the window sill... and just blink... almost like it's saying hello.  The whimsical part of me remembers better times, before the pain and weakness, when I would go outside and just stand there among them.  There really was no place or experience more peaceful.  Now, I watch from afar, wanting desperately to be a participant again... in life.

Not sure when or if I'll ever be 'normal' again.  I'm losing hope, I have to admit.  My own light flashed brightly then.. simply went out for the most part.  And here I am, waiting in the dark, just waiting for those with the power to help me heal to... help me heal.

I waver these days between hope & depression.  And, there aren't any 'up' times at all anymore.  This severe pain, worse than anything I've ever known, has literally taken over my life.  Now, my life is measured, literally, between those doses of Tylenol... as I wait.

I've sent up the flare....