One thing I've known for certain for pretty much all of my life is that when I'm ill, I long for home. When I was little I knew where that place was, and despite its terrible flaws it was still home. As an adult I was surprised to find that I no longer knew exactly where home was. So I would spend the majority of my adult life longing for a place that quite possibly, for me anyway, doesn't exist. I've never been able to reconcile this; not physically, and certainly not emotionally.
The closest I've come to being "Home" once moving out of my mom's house at 18 is Mobile, AL. I had a tiny little apartment, and though not every moment there was perfect, it felt safe, and it felt like a warn welcome every time I walked through the door--no matter how good or bad things were. It was a safe place for me to be myself, where I could decompress, where I could dream, wish, hope and feel alive. This is not the case where I am now. Not even close.
How did I get here? I got here the same way I got into every bad situation in my life; By pure blind trust. It's a flaw of mine and one that's gotten me into more trouble than I can tell you. I give people the benefit of the doubt, take them on their word, and actually believe what they say. Well, to a point anyway. The thing is, that 'point' in which I pivot and see the error of my ways is usually far too late to avoid any damage to my life, and to me.
I'll probably always be this way, a far too trusting person. I'm okay with that, I guess. But I really wish I were better at assessing and discerning the heart and motives of people BEFORE I get involved. We all have our flaws, I suppose.
As I wait for the sluggish process of diagnosis beyond the AIH, I'm left far too vulnerable for my liking. There are days I can't walk well, verging on not at all, and days where lifting my arms to look at my phone is almost too much. The weakness grows more each day and the doctors I need to see are weeks out of reach since I'll be a new patient. The waiting is going to end me in the ER at some point, I'm afraid. But the worst of this is being this sick and living in a place where I know absolutely no one at all.
T only helps around here bare minimum, and as the chores, etc. pile up... I long for the simplicity of the life I had in Mobile, where I didn't have to clean up after another human who refuses to do what's necessary to not live in a dirty, cluttered house. I can't live this way, so I struggle to pick up the slack. And I'll tell you, the slack is far far more than what T actually does.
How the hell did he survive on his own?
I have to somehow find my way home--wherever that is. I know I can keep struggling a little bit to find my way here, to at least hang in there until I'm better---or at least better enough to survive, to move, to do something to help myself. At this rate I don't know if I can work, which scares that crap out of me. Disability requires a definite diagnosis, and at this time I don't have one that explains fully how I'm continuing to weaken and become more and more sick. What can I do if even typing an entry like this makes me shaky and nauseated with weakness?
I want to be well again, to feel good again, to have energy again. I want to be in a position where I can find my way back home again.
Home. I just want to be... home.
