Shhhhhh....

A spa day, really?  No, not really.  Oddly, as bad as I feel I still feel too bad to even THINK about a spa day!  Would be a total waste of time right now.  Not kidding.

When I felt better I used to dream of having the proverbial spa day with all the bells and whistles.  For some reason, after this AIH began kicking my ass the very idea of spending a day doing ANYTHING seemed more like an invitation to torture.  If you live with any AI illness you'd know what I mean.  And not everyone has their asses firmly kicked like this.  But many do, and it actually is 100% guaranteed that if you're having a flare you're also living in hell.  How is a spa day in hell better than no spa day at all?  Hell no.  Not for me.

So I'll wait this out and plan on that spa day in the future.  I will appreciate it much more if I'm not sick the entire time and wanting to go home and take a nap or veg out because I don't feel good and can't think straight.  Yeah, waiting is the best choice, and it will be a far better experience if I do wait.

Waiting isn't always a bad thing, you know.

Trump Supporter Kambree destroys National Review

I'm posting this across my blogs, because this woman speaks for SO many of us.  The original video she made is a lot longer than this, but this gets to the key points directly.  She speaks for SO many of us....

Random Thoughts at 3am

Random Thoughts at 3am: "I wonder if I'd look good in a sombrero?"

Yeah, well... if you're waiting for me to explain that one, you're gonna be waiting a LOOOOONG time. lol  It's an insomnia thing.

About that hat thing---yeah... NO!

Still, one has to wonder where these random thoughts come from.  Me?.. I'm not sure I want to know...

As it stands right now, I'm going to resist the urge to buy a sombrero and take a selfie.

Adios!

Predicting Life from the Sidelines

This is a very bad day today.  I managed to post about some news I learned yesterday, but I did so in my other blog.   And yes, I'm still attempting to post in my blogs by relevance.  Still, there will always be overlapping posts.  Having said that, let me say... I feel like crap today.  I really, really do.  I've had some success with drinking more coffee (hey, whatever works!) until today.  Today, I don't think all the caffein in the world will help.  Dammit.

One more cup; this is how I get through the morning.  I love coffee, don't get me wrong, but I certainly don't want it to be the reason I'm sitting upright each day.  Well, I guess today will be the day when I say coffee WON'T be the reason I'm upright, because it's just not working right now.  I have a feeling I'm edging towards being a limp noodle with the jitters.  Dammit again.

I sit here and feel like sliding off the chair onto the floor in a giant puddle of 'screw it.'  But I can't really allow that to happen, now, can I?  And yet I knew, as I always do, the moment I sat up in bed that today was going to suck to the highest possible power of suckiness.  I want so badly to go back to bed, to lay down, to sleep... to just not have to use my muscles to sit upright.. or walk.. or even stand.

I'm sitting on the sidelines of my own life, trying to predict from one day to the next, one hour to the next how much 'life' I will actually have at any given moment.  My body isn't predictable.  What I do or not do today can, and usually does, affect what happens tomorrow, or a few tomorrows.  If I overdo things, I pay for it.  And when I don't, I still end up paying a price for something I didn't even know I was or wasn't doing.  So what's the point, right?  How in the hell am I supposed to know what to do, what not to do, when doing nothing sometimes is just as bad as doing anything?

I'm really not making much sense here.

I've managed to get out of bed, so there's that.

Dammit.

Labs Post-Prednisone & Azathioprine

So looks like another medication is being added to the list--Lasix, a water pill.  This is needed to reduce the amount of EXCESSIVE water retention caused by the Prednisone.  I'm really glad to know about this addition, though it's going to be rough heading to the bathroom constantly.  Oh... but I'm SO very glad to do so!  You've NO idea.  But there is other news as well...

Liver enzymes: At the start my liver enzymes (which is NOT a liver function test) were elevated some 7-8 times that of normal, depending on which end of normal you do the math from.  Considered by the doctors I saw these were considered "significantly elevated."  Some people have way more elevation than that, but apparently research says that the actual numbers don't always indicate prognosis or how significant the disease is at the time of diagnosis.  But today, thankfully, I'm told that the one enzyme that is still elevated is only elevated by a little now and "Much better than where it was before." YAY!!  That's good news!

While I have to wait to get the labs actually in my hand to SEE them, I was also told that some tests came back showing mild muscle inflammation.  Not sure which test that was, but it doesn't really surprise me.  I have labs rechecked next Monday also in order to make sure the Azathioprine is helping, and not hurting things.

Good news, right!? :D  And hey, as long as those numbers go down and into the normal range, I can deal with some side effects from Azathioprine.  I mean, as we go along this journey the prednisone will be tapered... and THAT is DEFINITELY a good thing!  Not treating AIH means possible progression to cirrhosis.  Only thing statistics say about this that I don't like much is that 80% of people who go OFF medication to control AIH have a flare up within 1-2 years, and it often comes with the nasty addition of fibrosis or cirrhosis.  Yeah, I'm okay with medication inconveniences over death, thank you. ;)

So what's the deal with muscle inflammation?  I've no idea.  Guess that may be addressed next... we'll see.

How's that for some good news? :D

Hello?

Disclaimer: In any of my blogs, especially this one, I'm not always going to post things that resonate with everyone.  Kind of a 'duh' statement, but I feel it needs to be said anyway.  Nothing I write here is meant to be everyone's truth---it's just MY truth.  I don't expect anyone to agree with me and feel the world is a far more interesting place because people have their own views, likes, dislikes, tastes, opinions, etc.  This blog was created for those times when I have to work through things that aren't making much sense to me.  I'm just allowing myself to let it 'all hang out' in order to find my way through the muddle in hopes that, in the end, I'll find some clarity and help others along the way.

FIRSTLY, do realize my sense of humor can be odd, eccentric, strange, and a little 'smart-assy' at times.  ;)

Okay, getting on with it then...

As the waiting game continues with my health insurance company, I'm left wondering if this other health problem will ever be addressed.  At what point to I give up, or at what point does push come to shove?  Either way, my hands are tied because the ultimate authority here is the insurance company themselves, and the only answer they seem to have is 'no.'  But that's NOT what this entry is about...

Across the board, all the actions, reactions, inactions, and infractions are a complex and chaotic mess of being on a corticosteroid and trying to live with the side effects, while simultaneously dealing with life's everyday nuisances.  Who does this make me these days?

I'm still me, always will be me, and I'm not apologizing for that.  Yet I still find the need to assess what I'm doing from day to day just the same, because keeping tabs on my thoughts and behavior is key to keeping some semblance of peace in my situation at the moment.  Do I handle things well right now, the stressors, the anxiety, the depression?  Nope!  But then, this entry isn't about that either...

So what the hell is my point?  Okay, I'll be blunt here---the point is that my tolerance for difficult people has waned considerably under the weight of all that is 'my life' right now.  I mean, yes.. I do have some tolerance, but it's not to the self-damaging degree that it once was in the past.  I mean, if I didn't LEARN something from my past experiences then I'm in BIG BIG trouble.  Thankfully, I'll be okay in that respect, because I consider that the lessons learned had and have an enormous impact on me.

Remember my mentioning that I need to turn my focus on healing?  That message has been quite a common theme in most of the entries lately, though I've refrained from telling details--again; so sorry about that.  Either way, in many respects I'm doing both you AND me a favor by NOT going to in-depth here all of the time.  Still, a part of me says I should.  What do I do with that information?

I need to turn things around.  My thinking, my approach, all of it has to work together in order to affect change.  It takes work, people.  WORK.  If you think you've found an easy way to affect change, my guess is that disappointment is over the horizon, the same horizon where you see the silver lining and believe it's just 'there' and ready to be stepped into.  Using that analogy, think about this: At what point does anyone ever reach the horizon?  No one does, nor does anyone walk right into a rainbow.  The closer you think you get, the further away it seems.

It really does take work to affect change.

Okay, so if you're thinking I sound negative right now, well.. maybe that's true.  I guess the realist in me is chomping at the bit to face things head-on, as unappealing as it may be.  If things aren't perfect or pretty or wonderful or amazing, then they're not.  Identifying and acknowledging WHAT IS gives you the tools to bring about WHAT YOU WANT.  If you don't know the house is on fire, you can't put that fire out.  Seriously.

For the record... I haven't EVEN begun to address what needs addressing... yeah, and this is the reason this blog has the title it does. ;p

Carry on...

The Cocoon of SAFE, Mindless Prattle

I'm irritated at the moment.  I'm irritated because I'm not handling things very well right now.  I get that the message I'm given is that it's very difficult to handle stress when you're on prednisone, that the body's usual defense mechanisms simply aren't in place anymore.  I hear what I'm told, I get what I'm told, but I DON'T LIKE WHAT I'M TOLD.  Yeah, yeah.. go cry me a river, right? ;p

Okay, so I wonder how much I'm going to be pushed by my own body in order to see just how much I can take and maintain my sanity?  When will the insurance company FINALLY approve the medication I need to take care of a serious situation that is wreaking havoc on my body and my life?  It's been over a month now.  OVER a month, and I still can't get the medication approved.  This country, because of Obama, has gone right to hell.  It really has.  And this is only ONE of the ways it's gone downhill.

At any rate, I seem to swing between being completely angry one moment about this, to feeling utterly abandoned in the next.  I don't know HOW to feel about anything anymore, and as long as I have to deal with the symptoms I'm not going to be the most rational or patient of people; it's been going on for too long and I'm flipping tired.

Making demands on me--this is really what I'm getting at.  I need to heal, and while the AIH is being addressed it's simply not enough.  You can't just ignore some things, and this thing I'm dealing with is something that will not allow me the luxury of pretending it's not there, happening, and ruining my life at the moment.  And no, I'm not being melodramatic here.  It's the truth.

Now, I will admit one of the biggest mistakes I've been making is spending WAY too much time on social media.  My bright idea was to avoid watching too much tv, and in doing that I've replaced tv with reading political articles, reading and getting caught up in tweets on Twitter, watching the disconnected posts flow through my FB feed.  I can admit that's a dumb thing for me to do.  And what can I do instead?...

Well, I know what I should do, so it's not a matter of ignorance but rather bad choices.  I'm aware.  Instead of getting caught up in all the political hot-headedness or trying to amuse myself with funny pictures and such... and we all know this is the bulk of FB posts these days... I should be turning my focus on what I normally do, and that is to seek information on how to make the best of what I'm dealing with, finding new ways to see my situation, and read more about what others do in the same.  While I have sought information and such, I guess I've found it's not helped me as much as I'd hoped. Maybe that's why I'm distracting myself with all of the other crap.

I need to take about 20 paces back from FB, from Twitter, and from reading all the political crap out there.  Yes, I want to be informed as these elections coming are VERY important, but there's so much hate and nastiness in what people say these days that I find it hard to read and maintain a good, happy, frame of mind.  So that's one thing that I need to change.

Another thing is to avoid people on FB who seem to make it their life's mission to comment with negative crap on my posts.  I mean, damn... grow up.  If you don't like my point of view, disagree with me, etc... then just move along to the next post in the feed and ignore mine!  It's not THAT hard to do, is it?  And I know one person in particular is doing it.. because he can.  He doesn't try it in person, which I find rather amusing, but he gets down right offensive and rude when he's hiding behind his computer.  I normally just shrug it off and roll my eyes when he does this, but lately he's taken to insulting some of my friends in the military, including veterans, and that's where I draw the line.  At any rate, this is the sort of thing that happens when you post anything of actual substance on social media.  Here's a fact: People aren't really interested in what you think, feel, or believe.  What people are actually interested in is cocooning themselves in SAFE, mindless prattle that means nothing.

And yes, this is relatively isolated to one particular person, so that makes things easy for me in terms of what to block him from.  Honestly, I'm not sure that FB allows that anymore, blocking certain people from particular posts.  Either way, enough of the BS on FB.  If I find a way to block him from my posts.. it's done.. ACCESS DENIED!

Now that I got THAT off my chest...

Random Thoughts at 3am

I had to make that meme.  I suppose it's just that one goofy part of me (sense of humor) that refuses to buckle under the health issues.  Yeah, I'm just ninja like that.

ANYHOO....Insomnia is a fickle bedfellow these days.  Incredibly unpredictable, I never quite know what it is I'm facing when I get into bed each night.  There's something triggering me to wake up when I go to bed, but I've yet to pinpoint exactly what that is.  Even nodding off on the sofa prior to going to bed doesn't guarantee I'll sleep once I get there, and in fact... it's almost a given now that I'm going to be waiting up, tossing and turning, until the wee hours of the night.  And what does this do besides keep me tired and exhausted?  For one, I get strange dreams, ones I really could've done without.  No, not nightmares... just dreams.  But still...

So it's 2am, 3am.. and stupid, random thoughts pop into my brain, which triggers more thinking, thinking, thinking... blah blah blah.  Damn.  Seriously.  WTH?  Most of it isn't even worth thinking about, I promise.

Okay, so falling back asleep this morning in hopes of getting about 5 hours I had a dream, and one that puzzles the crap out of me.  Well, I suppose most dreams don't make sense, right?  They're usually random babbling and broken intel of things we are either not dealing with, dealing with poorly, or unaware that we need to deal, you know, with those things.  But what about those dreams that aren't as chaotic and confusing?  What about the dreams that leave us thinking.. "Wow. That was so REAL!"  What about THOSE dreams?  You know the kind I'm talking about.

If your dream makes sense, what's the message?  That's the big question, isn't it?

I'm not sure what to make of my dream.  The content, which I'm not wanting to talk about, I think I understand, but my REACTION to it is yet another thing entirely.  It made me sad, seeing what I saw in the dream, though the actual thing happening wasn't a sad thing at all.  So.. wth gives?

Sorry to be vague about the dream itself, but some things are just TOO revealing of my own thoughts and feelings, feelings I'd rather keep to myself.  I'm trusting my instincts on this.  I may actually talk about this stuff in detail at some point, but I prefer to wait until I'm ready.  Hope you guys understand.

The other crazy thing that's happened today, post-dream, is that I feel a little anxious about my future.  It's like I'm being forced to assess what I want and how I plan to go about getting what I want, in terms of my future, happiness, health, and so on.  I don't have the luxury of being on auto-pilot, so introspection and continually assessing where I am and where I'm heading is really important.  T is more of an auto-pilot type, and it's not always easy for someone like me who's trying to take the wheel of my own life to be around someone who's just, well, letting life happen to him.  Not to say that his life is bad, because he's really chill and content most of the time.  I like to see where I'm heading, though, so laying back and riding the current isn't going to work for me right now.  Not sure it will ever work, to tell you the truth.

I wish I knew what my subconscious was trying to tell me.  I have a guess, but I don't LIKE that guess so am keeping an open mind and hoping I'm full of it. ;p

That's a lot of writing for someone who's as tired as I am.  Sheesh....

A Big Day for US(A) and Donald Trump supporters

I want to start by saying I feel really bad for Cruz supporters.  They want so much to believe in him, that he's honest and forthright... and in the face of overwhelming evidence proving he's neither, they cling tightly to their illusions/delusions.

I'm imagining by now you guys realize my choice of presidential candidates is Donald Trump.  I've made it no secret, and I stand by my choice.  So having heard that there's a major announcement today, said to happen during his 3rd speaking engagement today, the rally this evening.  A lot of us have speculated as to what it could be, but that's all it is.. speculation.  Well, the suspense is killing me, I have to admit.

One of the theories is that Sarah Palin will be announcing her support of DT.  Well, I will be perfectly honest about this---at first, AT FIRST... I really couldn't stand Sarah Palin.  Her running with McCain previously didn't shed her in the best light... at least not to me.  She, I'm assuming, parroted what she was supposed to say, etc., etc., etc... according to the McCain advisors, managers, etc.  But one of the biggest things that turned me off about her was her advocating the killing of wolves, killing the mothers and pups, and calling it okay, necessary, even needed.  I disagreed then, and I disagree NOW.  Having said that, I'm trying really hard here to give her a second chance.  She has no idea what that's taking for me to do this.

So without knowing what this big announcement is, I'm steeling myself for the possibility that rumors are right, that Sarah Palin will be endorsing Trump.  Some are even calling, I will add, for a Trump/Palin ticket.  I'm not sure I"m on board with that, but the jury is still out.  I'm keeping an open mind here and just waiting FIRST to hear what the announcement is before deciding how I feel about this whole Sarah Palin thing.

Haters.  They're everywhere, right?  And more so when it comes to election times.  The attacks on candidates and their supporters can be quite vicious.  Seems ridiculous, really, but it's the way it is.  I can handle haters and basically laugh them off, block them, or otherwise ignore most of their rhetoric.  It's really a good idea to move along and past the garbage in order to keep one's focus on the big picture.

So what is the big picture?  Basically it boils down to two very important components---we either have more of Obama's policies being carried out in the WH (Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton), or we have someone who is completely independent of super pacs and anyone at all who may have paid enough money to a candidate to have control.  And trust me, big money from donors means control.

Most of us are sick of the controlling politicians, the owns owned by their donors, the ones who lie and hate and use bashing and mudslinging, more than showing any of us what they can do for the country to make it better.  Ted Cruz=bought and owned by super pacs, caught in lies time and time again.  Bernie Sanders=socialist and 'crazy grandpa.'  Hillary Clinton=CRIMINAL.  Rubio=really too young and soft to be an effective POTUS.  And trust me, those are just the highlights and by no means is it a complete list.

I don't have to explain my choices, because I live in a country that, despite Obama's attempts, I can still voice my opinion, HAVE an opinion, and exercise my right to choose who I vote for.

I've made my choice, and now I'm excited about what this big announcement is that's coming tonight.  I'll be watching the live streaming, as I usually do, and... well, we'll see what happens.

Back on Track: Let the Spewings Commence

Now that I've gotten a few things off my chest today (lol), I can take some time to be randomly random.  Ha! I guess I'm just not feeling right today and am going with where this off-feeling takes me.  Why not?  It's not like I have a big day planned or anything.

Okay, so to tell you the truth I'm fighting the urge to go lay down and take a nap.  Naps in my case are a VERY bad idea, because it just invites insomnia come nighttime, something that I have to deal with even with very little sleep.  And guess what happens when someone loses a lot of sleep on a regular, ongoing basis?  For starters, your perception of things become a bit warped.  Yeah.  It's true.  I mean, sleep deprivation is one of the seven altered states.

At the moment things feel completely 'off' to me.  I'll eventually go watch tv, because it's a fabulous distraction when I need one, but I won't say I'm looking forward to it.  Why?  Well, because I have things to do, and it just feels wrong to sit there staring at the tv set when I could be doing something that would make my day more productive.  That is, IF my body would ALLOW me to do something, anything at all but be in a sitting or reclining position; something I'm not particularly fond of, btw.

So this is how it looks when my brain is as tired as my body.  No, really.  It is.  Coherent thought goes right down the toilet, and in its place comes the ramblings of an extremely tired mind.  While on one hand it's frustrating for me to not get my point across, to not know where the hell I'm going with any of this, on the other hand.. it's funny as hell.  Well, I'll look back on this post on a good day, snicker a little, shake my head, and laugh at the attempt to make some sense. ;p

And this, in effect, dear friends.. is the crap I spew. haha.  Hey, if I can laugh about the bad days, then I really think I've got a good chance of surviving the weirdness after all.

...more spewings to come...when my brain is back on board again. ;)

The Dangers of Being Honest

Honesty has become a vulnerability.  People who speak their minds honesty are often faced with ridicule and contempt by those who have opposing views. I believe most of us get this and have experienced that ridicule first-hand.  While a valuable lesson, that ridicule and backlash, while it reminds us how we should choose our words carefully, we must always remember that honesty is STILL the best policy, and that lying by omission... is STILL lying.

A friend who reads all my blogs, and I mean every entry (bless her heart), sent me a message and said, "I don't know how you do it. Aren't you scared of haters bashing you?"  Well, no.. I'm not.  I refuse to allow haters and bullies to dictate how I think, behave, react or don't react to any given situation.  I mean, once you give away your power it's really hard to get it back.  It's best not to give your power to another to begin with.

I've relinquished my power to haters and bullies in my past.  My entire life, up until about 3 years ago, I learned to suppress my feelings, to bury anger deep, to hide the foundations of any feelings I had.  Not to say I wasn't emotional, because BOY was I ever.  I wore my emotions on my sleeve for the entire world to see.  But when it came down to recognizing for more than a second what created those emotions, and when it came down to standing up for myself, that's where everything fell apart, and it did so because I was taught early on that having those emotions.. was a bad thing.

I no longer think that, and because I no longer think that I FEEL more intensely those emotions I used to keep in check to the point of denial.  It's been a liberating process, being able to access feelings like that.  I don't have to apologize to anyone for having those feelings, and I reserve apologies now for when I HANDLE those feelings badly; thankfully this is seldom an issue.  So when someone writes me and is worried because I allowed the emotions and thoughts etc to flow freely on the pages here, or in my other blogs, I DO take into consideration what they're saying, but I also take into consideration that I've come a very long way to not only reach my feelings and access them more fully than before, but that it's MORE than OKAY to express them.

There is a danger to being honest.  There's a danger in speaking freely at times.  There's a risk that you won't please one person or another person, etc.  Not everyone is going to like what I'm saying.  But so what?  There will be those who DO, and it's with those people that the unspoken camaraderie is expressed and felt.  What I say, what I express, actually has helped people, and it's certainly helped me.  So I've no intention of changing this, just so everyone here is clear on where I stand.

I will accept the dangers of honesty and continue to be honest, sometimes bluntly, and I will take into consideration the edges honesty has by definition.  I'm not out to hurt anyone, and this is why I name NO names here as to whom I'm speaking about.. IF I'm speaking about someone else.  It occurs to me that having to say this means I'm still aware, very aware, of the risks I take.  But it doesn't matter.. I'm not here to write fiction or make things look better or worse than they actually are.

I'm going to be myself, haters and bullies be-damned.  No one should give up pieces of themselves for others to devour, and that's exactly what you do when you censor your words, thoughts, and feelings in a place or forum where you're there to speak your mind.  People can choose to read or not read, listen or not listen.  Actions are a choice.

So to my friend, though we've spoken about this at length--I hear you.  And I'm okay.  I'm okay with what any hater or bully thinks about me, because I don't answer to them.  And.. you shouldn't either.

It Begins the Same Every Day

....And it ends pretty much the same way.  Predictability to this degree is less than optimal for a full life.  Maybe that sounds a bit over-the-top, but it's the truth just the same.  And let's be clear here, I'm not speaking of the predictability that's needed in most important circumstances, but the kind that you recognize and expect because of history.  If you have a predictable outcome, what's the incentive to do anything any differently?

My attempts to affect change have fallen short of anything I would ever dare call success.  When problems or difficulty arises and the outcome is always the same, redirecting my approach to the issue just makes perfect sense.  Let's try something different; this is what I tell myself, and it's what I do, and somehow it still seems to make little to no difference whatsoever.  So then, what's the solution?

Maybe it's time I implement a little indifference myself, invoke the goddess ignora as it were and use my resources, whatever they may be at the time, to implement the change I want in my life.  Yeah, sure.. I know that sounds like the better place to have started, but there's this little thing called 'communication' that always seems to get in the way.

Will it FEEL different if I do something new?

Has it to-date, you know, FELT different?  No.  Not really.  And why would it matter what something FEELS like?  Because FEELING is everything.  FEELING is what stops us, encourages us, demands, suggests, and invokes an action or reaction to any inner or outside stimulus.  Get your mind out of the gutter. ;)  In all seriousness, unless you're a complete sociopath who feels nothing at all, this should make sense.

Okay, so what is it I FEEL then?  Anxiety.  Mild anger.  Disappointment.  Bewilderment, and... wait.  Is this what I'm really referring to when I say FEELING?  Maybe not, because that list is really more the EFFECTS of those feelings than the actual feelings themselves.  Well damn... that just got complicated, didn't it?

So what I'm basically dealing with here is changing MY behavior and the way I look at things so as not to have to constantly fight for what's right, or to be heard, or to even be respected.  Respect will still be a HUGE deal for me, of course, because that's part of what and who I am.  But I'm not going to allow disrespect to alter how I FEEL---as just one example.

I realized last night that I'm still in that place where I allow my health and my body to be torn down by the treatment of another towards me.  I can't keep doing that if I want to heal, to be healthy.  I just cannot allow that to continue.

The next step is... to break free of those chains that bind me, the ones I was shackled with as a child, carried into adulthood, and allowed to be manipulated by someone I'm with.

....I've got the 'what,' and now I need the 'how.'  That's at least something.