It Begins the Same Every Day

....And it ends pretty much the same way.  Predictability to this degree is less than optimal for a full life.  Maybe that sounds a bit over-the-top, but it's the truth just the same.  And let's be clear here, I'm not speaking of the predictability that's needed in most important circumstances, but the kind that you recognize and expect because of history.  If you have a predictable outcome, what's the incentive to do anything any differently?

My attempts to affect change have fallen short of anything I would ever dare call success.  When problems or difficulty arises and the outcome is always the same, redirecting my approach to the issue just makes perfect sense.  Let's try something different; this is what I tell myself, and it's what I do, and somehow it still seems to make little to no difference whatsoever.  So then, what's the solution?

Maybe it's time I implement a little indifference myself, invoke the goddess ignora as it were and use my resources, whatever they may be at the time, to implement the change I want in my life.  Yeah, sure.. I know that sounds like the better place to have started, but there's this little thing called 'communication' that always seems to get in the way.

Will it FEEL different if I do something new?

Has it to-date, you know, FELT different?  No.  Not really.  And why would it matter what something FEELS like?  Because FEELING is everything.  FEELING is what stops us, encourages us, demands, suggests, and invokes an action or reaction to any inner or outside stimulus.  Get your mind out of the gutter. ;)  In all seriousness, unless you're a complete sociopath who feels nothing at all, this should make sense.

Okay, so what is it I FEEL then?  Anxiety.  Mild anger.  Disappointment.  Bewilderment, and... wait.  Is this what I'm really referring to when I say FEELING?  Maybe not, because that list is really more the EFFECTS of those feelings than the actual feelings themselves.  Well damn... that just got complicated, didn't it?

So what I'm basically dealing with here is changing MY behavior and the way I look at things so as not to have to constantly fight for what's right, or to be heard, or to even be respected.  Respect will still be a HUGE deal for me, of course, because that's part of what and who I am.  But I'm not going to allow disrespect to alter how I FEEL---as just one example.

I realized last night that I'm still in that place where I allow my health and my body to be torn down by the treatment of another towards me.  I can't keep doing that if I want to heal, to be healthy.  I just cannot allow that to continue.

The next step is... to break free of those chains that bind me, the ones I was shackled with as a child, carried into adulthood, and allowed to be manipulated by someone I'm with.

....I've got the 'what,' and now I need the 'how.'  That's at least something.