I told myself that I could handle this today. I promised myself I would at least try. And I did, try. I can't say I'm handling things well at all, because.. to be truthful.. I'm not. But I'm trying. Do I really believe I'm strong enough to get past this whatever-it-is? Now that's the million dollar question, isn't it?
Forget it. The whole idea of just "enduring" life is ridiculous and not something anyone should try on purpose. I don't think anyone does, you know, do that on purpose. Most of us are catapulted directly at the bullseye of defeat by forces we can't possibly overcome much less stop. Some give in. Some give up. Some are caught between the two. And me.. I've no freaking idea where I am in this mess. I just know I don't like it here. And why should anyone have to be where their soul, spirit fades beneath the gray?
Know when to get out while your spirit still has its wings.
It's a small part of the day and one you may miss if you blink. Stay awake. Just stay awake.
Almost the entirety of my escape processes include music, where the fabric of reality and the fantasy of reclaiming a life I once had clash in, sometimes, startling and colorful ways. I don't delude myself into thinking that I don't know what really is or isn't; who cares?
Falling asleep listening to carefully constructed playlist is the only oasis I know. While some songs grant me enough peace to fall asleep others wake me, and it's the message rushing to the forefront of those that bring me out of my slumber that are the most unsettling, the most telling. I sometimes think of those moments as my subconscious crying out for help, that the sleeping soul and the wakeful spirit will be one again.
Creativity sleeps. Dreams are too distant to remember. Hope sits quietly beside me, distant and unmoved. Memories are places my conscious mind tries to take up residence when I'm unable to sleep and surrender to what smothers my soul. The abyss is real, and the truth looks down and recognizes its reflection in the darkness. It's not as grim as it appears on the surface.
I no longer try to make my conscious and subconscious shake hands and call a truce. The battle is a quiet one below the surface....
Are you with us, darling?
Cause you treat it like a game
And you mess yourself up
It's such a shame, such a shame
You got issues, darling
Cause you waste it all away
You're full of yourself
It's all in vain, all in vain
And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart...
(Oh, oh)
Cause every time is the last time
(Oh, oh)
And I'm kicking myself just trying to be understanding
(Oh, oh)
Tell me how did you think that?
(Oh)
You're leaving me waiting and acting like I'm so demanding
(Oh, oh)
Cause it's never your fault
When you're keeping your knees clean
And sorry's below you
It's always me, always me
You told me you could change your ways
You collecting scars but you look away
You promised me you could make it better
You told me it won't be the same
But your eyes stay shut and my screams fall faint
I only wanted to make it better
Make it better
Make you better
