Is THIS my new "normal"?

And what I'm left with in the end is--not a single answer, solution, nor any real strength to wait until the next step reveals itself.  Over the span of more than a month now, ever since titering off the prednisone, my body has become my worst enemy.  It's weak when I need strength, it's 'loudly' painful when I need peace, serenity, rest.  And for the life of me nothing seems to get better as the days pass one after the next.  Nothing, it seems, is working.

There is hope, right?  People always say "There is always hope."  But the time for continuing to believe in something that has yet to be true--is coming to an end.  Once again, though most want to help, doctors are throwing up their hands and telling me--they don't know what to do, what it is, or how to help me.  I still have one last appointment, with an endocrinologist this time, who may be able to help.  Is this going to be my last hope?  I don't even have the strength to ponder that question.

So in this "New normal" of mine, real life doesn't exist.  Nothing beyond the windows means anything, and all inside this house can continue to collect dust in it's blooming irrelevancy.  Honestly, I've never experienced ANYTHING like this before and don't know what it is I'm dealing with.

I have no appetite whatsoever, and food doesn't even taste good anymore.  You'd think I'd get some benefit from that, like weight loss.  But no, thanks to the prednisone after-effects I can eat less than 1,000 calories a day and not lose a single ounce.  yay.

You're probably thinking "Oh, that sounds just like depression!"  Well, perhaps.  Except.. depression makes it so you don't WAN'T do do anything, go anywhere, and while it comes with physical pain, etc... what I'm dealing with isn't quite like that.  Oh, I GET depressed--but who wouldn't?  My mind and spirit WANT'S to do things again, not spend most of my time in bed (literally), wants to go places, take my camera and explore, and have at least an ordinary life if not an extraordinary one.  The DESIRE is there, buried deep beneath weakness, fatigue, pain, nausea, and so much more.  It's there, but it's being held hostage at the moment.

My life now, day by day, is marked by two thoughts: Morning: "Maybe today!"  And evening: "Maybe tomorrow!"

Is THIS my new normal?  Is this all there is, all I have to look forward to?  Will I ever feel good again?  Will I ever feel anything but pain, fatigue, and discomfort?  Will I ever have JOY again?

Will I EVER feel good or experience joy again?  Will it always be about pain, misery?

Will I really have to spend the rest of my life feeling like I have the worst case of the flu 24/7?

Will I ever... get answers to those questions?