In search of peace... still...

I've posted in my other blogs and feel almost spent at the moment, but I have a rant I've held back because I thought I could just pretend for a while and everything would right itself.  Pfffft!  Yeah, we all know how effective THAT approach is.  And really, way too much energy is expended when trying to force yourself to believe a lie.  There simply isn't enough energy for that.

This life is like watching out a window at the real world, a place you want to be very much but can't seem to find your way beyond the confines of your prison.  I've been on planet earth long enough to know what happens when someone could care less about most things in their life.  Over time the decay sets in and soon the disintegration begins.  I don't know about you, but I sure don't want to live in the garden of decay if I don't have to.

I'm not blind.  I see the world around me, the people, and I know what normalcy looks like even if it varies greatly from one person or situation to the next.  I see the 75 year old neighbor and his wife taking time from work to keep up their yard and imagine the inside of their home isn't a stinking disaster.  I watch those who work one job, and those who work 2 jobs... take care of their homes and yards.  T.... on the other hand needs much hand-holding and reminding, and also that proverbial fire lit under his ass to get even the most benign, simple, everyday tasks done.  You guys know this as I've spoken about it ad naseum in all of my blogs.  So this is nothing new.

So what IS new and why am I talking about it NOW?  For starters, nothing's been resolved, and I look ahead at my future and see having pretty much ALL of my time taken by doing my part here, as well as doing HIS part here.  I will have to take care of the house AND the yard.  I see almost all chores being left for me to deal with in order to avoid watching the decay in this situation to take over absolutely everything.  There won't be anything left for life.

I've had to ask myself how long I could maintain a life like that, with no help or assistance, with T not being a partner to any of it.  I don't have the answer to that but know I would leave if it got to be too much.  And T has been told this.  His constant mantra is he'll fix it and do better.  I've heard this for about 3 years now and have yet to see those words have any action to back them.

The weight is heavy at times, crushing at others, and there is a daily fight to reach for something uplifting to avoid caving and falling into the dark abyss that lays beneath giving up.

Looking for beauty in the world and in life is all I have left.  Nature, music, art....

Eventually peace will come.  Right?  Eventually I will thrive again.

For now.. I'm just tired and uncertain about anything.

Southwest Florida Eagle Cam

Beautiful world, relevant happiness...

It's no shocking revelation to anyone who knows me that I absolutely LOVE animals.  Not just 'pets' but all animals.  Recently I discovered SWFL Eagle Cam due to a comment in RSBN chat saying "The first eaglet is hatching!"  So... I immediately got the link and went to look... and it was absolutely love at first sight.  And... I've been watching since that day, December 31st 2016 and know for a fact that I will watch in the years to come.

E9 is the 9th eaglet hatched to "Harriet" and "M15."  There's a reason M15 and E9 aren't named and the short explanation is that they decided not to name the eagles in the cam nest anymore because when they lost E5 suddenly to an unknown illness... they decided to not name the eaglets, or any adult that happens onto the nest, because.... simply put... they're not pets.  M=Male, and 15=the year he came to the nest after Ozzie passed away from injuries.  E9 just means the ninth eaglet of Harriet's.

As I write this I stop to check on E9 as I'm hearing him squeeeeeeeeeeee... and knowing, after watching every single day... that he's doing something. ;)  I clicked on the tab I have open ALL DAY long until I go to bed (not kidding) to find him wingersizing and hopping.  He will begin to hover more and higher... and eventual branch, which is the step before fledge.  The process is very dramatic, exciting, and absolutely beautiful.

Honestly, I haven't missed much because I've kept the live feed on my phone, or computer, or iPad depending on what I'm doing and where I am.  If you miss even a day E9 looks very, very different.

Today E9 is 59 days old, is about 3 ft tall with a 6 ft wingspan.  That means if he were standing next to you at your dinner table he could pick scraps off your plate.  He's reached many milestones in development and growth and still has a ways to go.  His feathers are coming in nicely but are still "blood wings," which he will have until they reach terminal growth and the blood dries up.  He can't fledge, and knows it, until the feathers reach that terminal growth stage where the blood is no longer in the shaft.  The blood makes the wings heavier which helps remind him he's not quite ready yet.

Other milestones he's reached, and they're ALL important, have been learning to self feed (still working on that, though he has eaten whole fishes by himself), defending his food (pic below of him mantling and defending his food brought by M15 this morning), developing and strengthening muscles he will use to fly and catch prey (wingersizing, perching on sticks in the nest and also perching on the crib rails or nest rails).

Below is a pic of E9 mantling, vocalizing a warning, and taking the fish from the adult.  He will become more aggressive as the days pass.  The adults expect this aggression.  E9 will have to be very aggressive to survive as he will be competing for food once he's on his own.  This mantling in the photo below is quite impressive...

Why am I calling E9 "He"?  Only a DNA test can confirm if he's an actual HE or not, or if, as an adult we see E9 lay an egg.  Right now all we can do is guess at his sex, which I believe (and others as well) is a male because he's more the size of M15 than Harriet.  Female bald eagles are 25% to 30% larger than the males and as you can see.. E9 is about the size of M15.

For anyone interested there are bald eagle cams out there besides SWFL Eagle Cam and some are in northern areas where their nesting season is later than the south.  Decorah had two active nests, both with small eaglets or eggs.  E9 should be branching in a week or so and likely to fledge around day 85, which is an average.  Some have fledged on day 80 while one eaglet at the SWFL nest fledged on day 100.  I will likely watch other nests once E9 fledges, or I may wait until he leaves the area completely.. which is typically about 6-8 weeks after first fledge.

Here's the link to watch E9, and there are 3 camera views.  Cam 1 is over the nest, but I do split view with Cam 2 for now.  Once E9 fledges I'll likely go back and forth between Cam 1 and Cam 2 to see E9's activity nearby.

SWFL Eagle Cam

There is also a chat open a couple of times a day with moderators to answer questions you may have. They also have classroom sessions with teachers and students who ask great questions... a wonderful way to learn.  Also, the cameras are equipped for infrared so you can see them at night too.

Here's a screen shot I got a few minutes ago....

It's the best reality show around, I have to say.  Lots of laughs, suspense, amazement, drama when intruders show up at the nest....

I will post, separately, the link to the live cam.  Not sure it will stream live from here but you guys will have the link. :)

Till next time!

A very busy last few days...

A few twists, turns, developments and joyful events over the past few days, and in the great scheme of things I feel much clearer on where I'm heading goal-wise now.  Not to spend too much time explaining everything, because I'm not sure I could at this point, let's just say that despite not feeling well life is moving at a forward pace and with a lot less bumps right now.  I'll consider this a very good thing.

One of the funnest and most exciting events over the weekend was picking up Sigmund C. Monster at the dealership.  Love at first site... is the only way to explain. :D  It's a bittersweet event, getting this car, because I'm going to miss driving a manual, but at least Sigmund has paddle shifters to make that a little easier to accept.  But seriously, all jokes aside, this is one majorly beautiful car, AND it's a cabrio... which means I can put the top down on the warm days, or even choose the 'sun roof' option which brings the top back in the front a little ways.  I'm really looking forward to that.  And to be honest, those of you who know me know I hate hats etc, so when I say I'm going to wear a scarf.... yep, that's a bit of a surprise.  Wearing a scarf is a lot better than having my hair/bangs smacking me in the eyes the whole time. lol  I can deal.

So it was a ton of fun picking up my new MINI S... and my motoring advisor gave me a bag of goodies, which was unexpected.  And... another lovely surprise is that the welcome light on the driver's side... is a MINI logo!  I was so surprised and happy about that welcome light that I forgot to take a pic. haha  I'll get a pic of that one night, though.

While it was FREEZING cold (something I'm not particularly fond of AT ALL) we pulled out of the dealership lot about sunset and drove home in the dark.  Now leaving, I have to admit, it took a minute to stop pushing my left foot to the floor and looking for the clutch. ;p  Only happened twice, and I'm pretty much over that now.  I'm looking SO forward to taking a fun drive with the top down.  See?  Lots of lovely things to look forward to.

As far as other live events, I'm going to save that for another post, and hopefully I will be doing that after visiting my other blogs and making a few relevant entries there.

....My indépendance is tugging at my sleeve....