This is difficult. Post-surgery for frozen shoulder and minor rotator cuff tear and I'm feeling like hell. It will take a long time to recover and regain full use of my left arm, and dammit but it hurts to type. I almost decided to do an audio blog but not enough privacy the last couple of days to do that. So I'll make this just a quick check-in.
I'm not sleeping, mostly getting up several times a night to move my arm, elbow... to alleviate what pain I can. This is often a tearful process. I don't know when the big crash will come, but it will. A human being simply can't withstand not sleeping like this. On Wednesday, then on Saturday... things will change and hopefully for the better.
Sleeping on my side after this kind of surgery isn't the best idea, and it creates a world of pain, swelling to an unhealthy level in my arm. This became the catalyst for ordering one of those Tempur Pedic beds. NOT the cheapest thing in the world, but a very necessary one at this point as the healing process is going to take a long time. So be it. It's adjustable so I can support the back of my legs and have the back of the bed upright to manage sleeping without being on my side. Saturday, a Laz-boy chair will arrive, and mostly for the same purpose. As it stands now my options are to sit straight/upright or lay in a flat bed. Both options mean pain and swelling. But hey, those recliners are awesome and it's not like it won't be fully enjoyed way beyond the shoulder healing.
I suppose at this point I'm just rambling, but everything I am is consumed with the pain and trying to work past it without taking the powerful pain killers I was given. The side effects sucks, and that means I'm making damn sure to take them sparingly. But either way, my point is basically that I'll be dealing with this for a while and probably not making a lot of sense when I post.
There most likely won't be daily entries for a while, but I will try my best.
Post-surgery with all it's unbelievable pain has opened up a part of me that I really would rather leave closed, shut away, and ignored. That echo chamber of the past and present merging in unsettling ways rumbles below the surface, always, making itself known at the darkest of hours and experiences. I find myself unsettled---not just my circumstances or thoughts. In the wee hours, especially when awakened by the almost ceaseless pain, true anxiety sets in and grips me. Most of the time I can overcome it and get past it's frightening messages. But then there are times when it takes hold and I find myself incredibly vulnerable and needing a strong, positive presence to jerk me back into a brighter reality. Things is... I have no such strong, positive presence. Yeah.
What to do with that.
As you guys know, indifference has been my companion. T's indifference rears it's true self amidst the pain that really feels as if it's going to rip me apart. You see, the first part of knowing how to squash pain naturally is to avoid stress at all costs, because stress destroy's the body's own ability to send much-needed pain killers to it's needed location. Over time, especially in the presence of AI disease and fibromyalgia.... the breakdown of this mechanism is swift and brutal, leaving me without any natural defenses. This sucks.
I've been brought to tears by the sheer intensity and duration of this pain, and the fibro is in a massive flare-up now, adding wide-spread, diffuse pain to that of the post-surgical. While it's nothing to brag about, I will admit that I've been brought to my knees by the force of it all, crying so hard I felt as if my head would explode. Late at night, when it's at its worst T will simply get up, stand there... and say nothing, do nothing, offer nothing. I've had to tell him it's best he stay away rather than bring that indifference to the already miserable situation.
It is times like this that I long for "home," whatever and wherever that is. No one to reach out to, to plead to, or talk to. Not a parent, sibling, or best friend. No one. It's only when either by exhaustion or prescription intervention does the pain lessen a little, just enough for my mind to bring forth an image of a healthy, happy, joyful, fulfilled and pain-free me. When I fall asleep... it sometimes carries me into dreaming, those thoughts.
My arm is in a lot of pain at the moment, so I'm going to sign off. I hope that each day with willpower and physical therapy.. and even the weaker moments when I allow myself the prescription help to relieve the pain... maybe I'll get stronger, better. I have 3 days of PT this coming week... and I pray it's the start to real recovery.
I need this pain to stop. I really do.
Hopefully I can post tomorrow.
PS... I was amazed at how many page views Where Fireflies Dream received.... gave me a smile.
