But seriously...
My friend and I had a long discussion over the phone (and likely way too much coffee, to be honest) about those emails. Once I had the discussion, told the story, answered questions... well, she decided she wanted to know more. I don't mind the discussion, talking about it, but.... I do need to take a break from that after telling the whole tale. It's exhausting.
But I indulged her because I knew her curiosity wasn't so much about me as much as it was about her. And I know exactly where she's coming from, I do. I wish I'd had someone to talk to during that time as well. No one really knows or understands what it's like... until you've experienced it yourself. I had books, videos, articles from my therapist who was helping me at the time... but not another person who'd actually gone through what I did.
The softer side of the experience is one I haven't told either. Well, haven't told lately anyway. Early early on I did, spilled my heart onto my blog. But I was always being made to feel pretty stupid for sharing how I felt, always being questioned and ridiculed, arguments ensuing over what I shared, no matter if it were from my heart. So I began to delete the blog entries. One by one.
Over time I would create an entry about the soft, mushy, romantic stuff.... then a couple days later delete it. When you reach out and get your hand slapped, eventually you'll stop reaching. And that's pretty much what happened to me (Julia... are you listening still?).
That softer side of the situation faded quickly, buried beneath the onslaught that was a mountainous and seemingly never-ending list of 'faults' and 'complaints' about me that were, at the very least, incredibly overwhelming, crushing, and.... it changed not only how I saw myself in that situation but how I saw the situation as a whole. Notice, I don't usually refer to it as a "relationship," and that is for a reason.
Over time anything I thought was a relationship died a slow, painful death, and mostly by starvation. Relationships have to be nurtured, cared for, attended to, protected... and they live and thrive on love and honoring the other person, respect, compassion, empathy... and that situation I was in.. starved to death.
She asked me, "When does it get better?" "It" meaning once you leave when does it stop hurting. The truthful answer is... No one knows. Most will say that it never really stops hurting, that it's impossible to get past something without having closure, saying a real goodbye. If you don't have anyone to say goodbye to... how do you actually, fully, completely let go of the pain, confusion, and all the other *lovely* things? Rhetorical question, of course.
Short answer is---don't expect it to ever go away fully. And it all does rather come down to how much damage was done.
It's okay to find yourself in a world of weirdness, and it's okay to speak your mind, to tell the truth, and to allow yourself to feel whatever it is you feel about any situation you're in. It's not up to anyone else to tell you what to think or how to feel, anyway. After all (Julia), you're having to go this alone. Even with a lot of people around you... it's still something you'll have to go through alone. Few will get what you're experiencing, likely none (who haven't experienced it themselves) will even understand at all what it's like at all.
You can find yourself in a crowded room with people silent and listening intently... but you may, or may not find any solace in that. Don't expect too much, and never ever expect the person in question to understand at all. And I mean.. not ever.
Some days will just be bad. And you'll remember things you would rather forget, both good and bad things. Some days the sun will shine, the moon will glow, the stars will twinkle... and the clouds will float softly across a beautiful sky. Other days, on those bad days... it will be more like living in a concrete cell. Days in the sun---enjoy them. Days in your prison---endure them. It's just the nature of the beast.
One question I couldn't answer if I tried for her is: "Will I ever want to be friends with him again?" There's no way I can answer that one, because it's not up to us. If that person treated you badly and felt pretty good about it.... they'd only find opportunities to make you feel like shit again, drag you down, criticize and condemn.
Ask yourself this: Would that person be able to stand before you, looking you in the eyes, while you tell them how they made you feel, what they did, and what it did to you as a person? Would they feel badly for what they did and apologize? Or, would they become angry, lash out, etc? The answer to most of that question is really in that.
More on this in PART 2.... hopefully I can post that tomorrow.
Nite!
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