Finding the strength to not crawl back in bed and disappear each day is becoming more difficult. Finding anything at all to keep me going each day has become tiresome, monotonous, and a waste of time. Yes, I realize this is depression talking. Yes, I know my 'reality' is skewed by depression right now. Yes, I know I have to not give up. But is 'giving in' the same thing as 'giving up'? I'm thinking... no, that it's something very different. Aside from a miracle where I'm instantly transformed, where my LIFE is transformed, I'm carried with the current of 'what is' and left without the required miracle to turn my current life into something else other than what it is--a disaster.
Yesterday I was pretty shut-down, and today is no better. Even as I sit here I want SO much to just crawl back in my bed, cover up, and completely disappear. But disappearing comes with a hefty price, and that price is guilt. Guilt because I feel like I'm not doing enough as it is and going back to bed, even if I am sick... just feels wrong. Yeah, I realize that guilt shouldn't be a part of taking care of oneself, but it often is just the same.
I really can't stand feeling like this. You've NO idea.
I want to feel good, energetic, hopeful, and I want to love my life again. But how? How in the world can I actually love THIS?
Crap. Crap. Crap.
*sigh*
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