In search of peace... still...

I've posted in my other blogs and feel almost spent at the moment, but I have a rant I've held back because I thought I could just pretend for a while and everything would right itself.  Pfffft!  Yeah, we all know how effective THAT approach is.  And really, way too much energy is expended when trying to force yourself to believe a lie.  There simply isn't enough energy for that.

This life is like watching out a window at the real world, a place you want to be very much but can't seem to find your way beyond the confines of your prison.  I've been on planet earth long enough to know what happens when someone could care less about most things in their life.  Over time the decay sets in and soon the disintegration begins.  I don't know about you, but I sure don't want to live in the garden of decay if I don't have to.

I'm not blind.  I see the world around me, the people, and I know what normalcy looks like even if it varies greatly from one person or situation to the next.  I see the 75 year old neighbor and his wife taking time from work to keep up their yard and imagine the inside of their home isn't a stinking disaster.  I watch those who work one job, and those who work 2 jobs... take care of their homes and yards.  T.... on the other hand needs much hand-holding and reminding, and also that proverbial fire lit under his ass to get even the most benign, simple, everyday tasks done.  You guys know this as I've spoken about it ad naseum in all of my blogs.  So this is nothing new.

So what IS new and why am I talking about it NOW?  For starters, nothing's been resolved, and I look ahead at my future and see having pretty much ALL of my time taken by doing my part here, as well as doing HIS part here.  I will have to take care of the house AND the yard.  I see almost all chores being left for me to deal with in order to avoid watching the decay in this situation to take over absolutely everything.  There won't be anything left for life.

I've had to ask myself how long I could maintain a life like that, with no help or assistance, with T not being a partner to any of it.  I don't have the answer to that but know I would leave if it got to be too much.  And T has been told this.  His constant mantra is he'll fix it and do better.  I've heard this for about 3 years now and have yet to see those words have any action to back them.

The weight is heavy at times, crushing at others, and there is a daily fight to reach for something uplifting to avoid caving and falling into the dark abyss that lays beneath giving up.

Looking for beauty in the world and in life is all I have left.  Nature, music, art....

Eventually peace will come.  Right?  Eventually I will thrive again.

For now.. I'm just tired and uncertain about anything.