Hell, by any other definition...

This particular blog was supposed to be about dreams, wishes, passions, hope, future, life.  What the hell happened?  HELL happened, that's what happened.  Either way, I'm back on blogging again and likely going to open the flood gates over the next few days, etc.  Things have gotten sad and complicated.  But let me be very clear about that.... MY life has gotten sad and complicated.  For T, he sleeps like a baby and doesn't really give a crap about anything outside about 2 inches from his own skin.  I've been fighting tooth and nail to survive, to not completely give up.  SO hard at this point not to say screw it all.

Do I sound angry?  In a way I am.  But more than anything I'm hellaciously disappointed.  I'm disappointed in life (for the most part), my circumstances, disappointed in T, and terribly disappointed in myself in not recognizing the danger in my giving my heart to someone who would not just break it... but wreck it.  My fault.  I should've known better, especially when I saw the signs and convinced myself I was seeing and experiencing "Something else."  At least that's ONE thing I'm good at.

To me, I lost some of the best years of my life, wasted them away on men who were too lost in themselves to ever return actual love.  Those are years I will never get back, and I can't just 'make up' for the loss of them either.  I don't think anyone can do that, really.  6 years of abject hell.  Nice.

I miss my old life, my apartment, my pets.  Certainly there were things about my life I didn't like, but overall... on my own without anyone to inject their poison into me... I thrived.  Wish I would've recognized that then, because I may not be in the hell I'm in now.  And yes yes yes.. there are different kinds of hell.  I know this.  But this is hell nonetheless.

My absence from my blogs is due to the above, the lackluster in my life, the shiny parts of who I am dulled by careless digging and gouging from relationships past.  I feel like a dull, gray, lifeless thing left to do time on planet earth.  I never promised what I was going to say here would be pretty, but I sure hoped what I did say would speak more about the good things.  Screw it.

I'm avoiding specifics tonight.  Why?  Well, for the most part there's too damn many specifics to get into, and if I chose to get into the specifics.. it would go on forever.  Those darn flood gates, right?

I wish I could just let it all out, but what I always end up doing in the end is skirting around the details and spilling emotion to ease things.

Well, I guess I'll try again tomorrow.  You know, with the details.  We'll see.  I'm shooting for it anyway.

HAGN world.  Or a good day depending on where you are.