It wasn't a particularly bad day, and it wasn't the greatest day either. My motivation continues to lag behind the wants of the will, spirit, and what I perceive in my mind's eye is nothing like the reality that surrounds me every waking minute. Be that as it may, it doesn't mean I don't try and affect change, and even a little of that is welcome right now. Still, I went from a relatively good place to being slapped back down the rabbit hole where all the dark things are.
Notice how much easier it is for me to talk about things when I'm not speaking?
It's still a trust issue, of that I'm aware. And who knows just how long I will regain enough trust in the world and people to be able to just talk openly about anything and everything... with my own voice? I guess my job right now is to just keep trying.
To those of you who wrote or called to beg me to keep doing audio entries, what I can say to that right now is.. I'll see. All I can do is one step at a time, one day at a time, one life event at a time. I understand to some degree (because you have pointed this out) that these entries are far more intimate and 'real' when you HEAR them. Okay. I can't promise audio entries 100% of the time, but I will promise to do what I can as time and energy allows. Deal? ;)
Even so, tonight took an abrupt change when I had to remind T that I have to make a deposit in my account. Long story short, I was met with a response filled with complaining, whining, insinuations, and more. Well, good grief... sorry that I'm too sick to work right now, and sorry that the cards that have balances on them have those balances because of purchases made for THIS HOUSE. Oh my God, but I'm really so tired of the dialogue.
I pray every night for healing, for energy, for an abundance of good health, and the ability to take my life into my own hands again, to remove the power he has over my life. Oh, but how things will be different when I'm back on my feet again. He's gotten far too comfortable with the control thing.
He does this nearly every night, making sure that I'm stressed, anxious, wide awake and unable to sleep. And this is usually a given on the nights before we have to wake up at O'dark thirty the next morning. I've a long ride tomorrow, 6 hours round trip and am loathing the idea, even knowing it's something I have to do. I'll be in pain, and I'll be miserable. My body isn't up to that trip but there isn't a thing I can do about it. And now.... I get the added benefit of being ridiculously tired because T decided that unloading a plethora of negative statements and whining was a goal tonight.
As an aside, I got the new bed today. I'm not sure it's going to be comfortable, though the manufacturer said it was the same firmness/softness as the bed that's already here in the master bedroom. Chronic pain means even the most comfortable of beds feel like a torture device when it touches your muscles, joints, skin. I may be a while on that recliner if this is the case, but I am incredibly grateful for that recliner, I admit.
Just checked the upload to youtube for that audio file and it's very, VERY slooooooooooow. Just a shame it had to be tonight that I figured out an alternative way to getting those files uploaded, ad iMovie has decided to be a total butt and give errors uploading the usual way.
Well, I'm amazed at how much I can type now. The shoulder still has crappy range of motion, but at least this part isn't as painful as it was. And no worries, those of you who prefer the audio entries... I will still make those for the most part.
Now, while I'm able, I think I will attempt to do entries for my other blogs... specific to those blogs. We will see, right?
Okay, so I'm outta here for the night. Sleep tight... sweet dreams....
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