I've posted enough here for you guys to know where I am at the moment. Dealing with communication and respect issues from T, issues that make themselves known every day and every night without fail. You also know by now that my tolerance for this is extremely thin, verging on non-existent. Notwithstanding innocent goof and human blunders, somewhere in the chaos one has to actually SEE the damage being done. "I" see the damage because I'm a recipient of most of it, but T sits quietly on the river "Denial" and refuses to move. Ok. Whatever.
He doesn't like my bluntness and doesn't want me to say aloud the truth that threatens not only to completely destroy this relationship, but the truth that's destroying my peace of mind, health, and happiness. He's in blissful ignorance, so I don't have any choice other than to say exactly what's on my mind.
When I'm trying to open a discussion, when I need to point out behaviors in someone that TRULY need addressing, I use non-combative phrases. I speak of how I feel, what the harmful behavior is, but I don't point fingers, name-call, label, etc., because that approach causes damage as well. I know how to communicate, as long as people allow me to communicate.
Repeatedly disrespecting me is a huge deal and would be for pretty much anyone. Not allowing anyone to disrespect me was a lesson only recently learned, so I'm still a little awkward with it and finding my balance and strength when approaching the subject. I'm getting there. Now, in the process I've become fairly blunt when I've taken all I can, and all PC is out the window. I speak my mind now while doing my best to preserve the other person's (in this case T) self-esteem. I've no interest in becoming what I most despise so won't allow myself to go there.
T believes that when I point out what he does that hurts, offends, and disrespects me.. that it's a form of disrespect and that I shouldn't say anything at all. But I assure you, that approach NEVER works and is, in fact, quite harmful to relationships and the individuals. If I shove down my feelings, ignore the disrespect, and take the punches in silence... I will eventually resent that person, and that person right now is T. No matter how I try to explain this--he doesn't get it and shows no indication of trying to understand or stop the disrespectful behavior.
Again, as I've said many times before, I'm not trying to make T out as a bad guy or to demonize him. He's NOT a bad guy--he's just blind to the things he does and doesn't do that greatly and adversely affect me in so many ways. I hang in there for the obvious reasons, and I do so because I hold hope very close, hope that he'll see what he's doing so it can be stopped.
I may be a bit foolish for relying on hope this way given my past experiences and hope-filled failures. But there's no reason NOT to hope. In fact, hope is the great buffer of all things, isn't it? Life tends to slip apart when hope is lost.
Damage control: There's been a lot of this with most being unsuccessful. And I'm no stranger to damage control given past relationships that left me holding the weight of fixing everything. One person CANNOT fix a relationship, nor can one person break it. If a relationship is going bad, guaranteed there are TWO people at fault, even if it's the behavior of one and the acceptance of that behavior by the other. It takes two people to break a relationship and two to repair it; an absolute truth.
Sometimes there are victims, yes, but 'most' victims are willing. Meaning, when you have a way out of a bad situation and don't get on board with preparing things, and if you stay and suffer the damaging consequences.. then you've willingly participated in that damage.
As for me, I was a willing victim. I played the martyr in love more times than I like to admit. My role in a past relationship which did a LOT of damage to my self-esteem, body, etc. I take full responsibility for. I remained in a bad situation, and though I believed that he and I could fix things I refused to see and acknowledge (for far too long) that the weight of that burden was planted fully on me. I should've left at the first sign of serious problems.
I should have bailed when the relationship began changing the way I saw myself, how I thought of myself, when it began to depress me and fill my entire world with anxiety. I should have been my own best friend and stood up for ME. Instead, I did everything I possibly could to change into the distorted version he wished me to become. It doesn't take a genius to understand that my acceptance of abuses, be they emotional or physical, would nearly destroy me as a person; I get it NOW, but I didn't get it THEN, not until it was too late and the damage was done.
I had to forgive myself more than the other person, because it was ME who let myself down. I didn't have my own back, and I allowed everything till nearly the end. It wasn't until I had a TIA and ended up in the hospital (very shortly after the last blow up) did I realize to what degree I'd been beaten up inside and how it had shattered me.
In the hospital the doctors asked about my level of stress, had I been dealing with major life changes such as a death in the family, financial hardship, and/or a breakup. That was the first time the lightbulb went on and I began to introspect as I lay in that hospital bed with nothing but the hum of the heater to interfere with what came to me. The realization was harsh, brazen, and shattering in its truth. I had to get out of the relationship; I had to let go; and I had to do it to save my life.
This wasn't a comfortable awareness when it came blazing out of the deep recesses in which unpleasant things go to smolder. But there was nothing I could do, really, but allow it into the light and face what it was, what I'd always known but refused to acknowledge.
So the burning question for most people at this point, after hearing/reading about my experience, the question everyone I knew at the time had is: Why the hell did I stay so long? I stayed because I was in love with him. Isn't that why any of us stay in bad or toxic relationships, because of our feelings and our sometimes misguided hopes that he/she will change?
I wouldn't find out until much later, until it was far too late and the damage was taking over my life and destroying happiness, that the person I fell in love with didn't really exist. If you've read my blogs for a while you've heard me say this, and that's because the realization that I fell in love with a lie is profound and one I struggle with today for obvious reasons: You can't say goodbye to someone who doesn't exist.
The mask slipped and I discovered the truth beneath.
To this day everything about me struggles to reconcile who I thought I loved with who I was actually dealing with.
I believe that this problem of irreconcilable truths, for me, is fanning the flames of what's happening in the current relationship. While I knew this was a possibility there wasn't any reasonable way to prepare for the experience itself. On one hand being protective is necessary, but on the other hand.. always being poised in defense isn't a good idea either.
This emotional struggle could end with closure; something I will never have. I can't say goodbye to someone who never existed, now can I?
Yeah... and therein lies the biggest problem of all. This fight, this struggle permeates day to day life. T's disrespect, whether purposeful or accidental permeates day to day life. Health problems worsen and take over day to day life. There seems to be no end to this....
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