Too soon?

Naaaaaahhh..... not for me.

Not feeling it....

I've always liked decorating early for Christmas.  Dragging everything out of storage, opening boxes and bags, and decorating... takes a minute, so the idea of putting everything up for a couple of weeks after all that works just doesn't make any sense to me.  Plus, my inner child is alive and well and always excited about Christmas, decorating, hot chocolate with marshmallows, Christmas cartoons and movies and every single bit of tradition out there.  I'm all in for Christmas...usually.

The last few years, however, the excitement has dimmed to a dull hue of red and green, to be honest.  I pretty much know the 'why' of this, but I've struggled over the past 6-7 years or so to repair whatever is sucking the joy out of the holidays and restore it to it's former, magical splendor.  If only....

It's not enough to know what's wrong.  Everything I long for when the nostalgia takes hold are those things that are just out of my reach. My attempts to re-create what's lost have failed, and I'm finding myself depressed more and more each year by the holidays.  While this depression doesn't completely isolate itself to Christmas only, that's the one that is the most difficult to navigate.

I really just hate this.

What 'haven't' I tried to breathe life back into the holidays?

This house is decked out big time, and... I'm just not feeling it.  I walk through the house, and I really love what I see.  But something vital is missing, and it's been fading away for years.  Yeah, yeah, I know this sounds like such a downer, but for me it really is in so many ways.

When all the reaching for better, happier, more joyful falls to the wayside.. so do I.  Just a fact.  There isn't any real way for me to work through this by myself, because the problem isn't an unknown.  As weird as that sounds, it's true.  When you don't know what's wrong, your focus shifts to one of discovery.  But when you know what's wrong one of the first things that comes to mind, for me anyway, is "Okay.  Now what?"  And, unfortunately, that's where I'm stuck.

Tomorrow is another day, and I'm planning on digging into my web sites if I have enough energy to do so.  Maybe it will distract me, though I realize it won't solve anything.  I have to do something to fight my way out of this.

For the sake of this particular blog and it's 'intended' theme/focus, I will say that I'm doing well on my diet in the sense that I'm not having any urges to cheat etc., and in fact have been eating under my points (which can backfire on me later and likely will).

Okay, so.. no, I'm not making much sense at the moment.  I'm tired, so so tired.  I didn't sleep well last night which makes this all so much more intense, and in the wrong way.  At the urge of a couple of you, I'm trying, and that's about all I can promise I'll do right now.

Tomorrow is another day.  But today... I'm just not feeling it.

Creative chaos.

I'm way behind uploading these, so please bear with me...

Halloween passed, past... but not forgotten.

Well, yeah, it's been a rough couple of days in which I got way behind.  While this audio blog entry was supposed to go up BEFORE Halloween, obviously... it didn't make it.  Even so, loving this holiday as much as I do, I couldn't just let the effort go to waste.

Boo.

I feel like I'm on days delays...

Okay, so I'm really late in getting these uploaded.  What can I say, except that life has be freaking hell and I'm juggling a LOT at this time.  Anyway, you'll find THIS is, well, what it is, and the next one to follow will also be behind.... because it's about Halloween.  *sigh*  Yeah, things are THAT chaotic right now.  At any rate, late or not, I still feel compelled to talk about my favorite time of year, my favorite holiday of all.. Halloween.  But THAT will be the next audio blog.  As for this one, it's basically where I was about a week ago before I discovered that I DID have a way around the Weight Watchers conundrum... You'll see.  Just listen to this, if you're compelled to do so, then you'll see what I talk about tomorrow (Nov 2, 2016).  For tonight I'm playing catch up with TWO audio blogs.

Sorry about that.  Life.. what can I say?

Better late than never, right?

For those of you who said you preferred the audio blog entries.  Was done a couple of days ago, so I will try to make another one sometime Thursday when I have free time. :)

Still staying tuned?????

I'm going to attempt a written blog entry as I wait for an upload to youtube of an audio entry.  The entry itself is a couple of days old, so.. where I'm at right now isn't completely different, just more intense (if you will).  So much for changing the dialogue in my life.  The scenery is fine, so you know.

It wasn't a particularly bad day, and it wasn't the greatest day either.  My motivation continues to lag behind the wants of the will, spirit, and what I perceive in my mind's eye is nothing like the reality that surrounds me every waking minute.  Be that as it may, it doesn't mean I don't try and affect change, and even a little of that is welcome right now.  Still, I went from a relatively good place to being slapped back down the rabbit hole where all the dark things are.

Notice how much easier it is for me to talk about things when I'm not speaking?

It's still a trust issue, of that I'm aware.  And who knows just how long I will regain enough trust in the world and people to be able to just talk openly about anything and everything... with my own voice?  I guess my job right now is to just keep trying.

To those of you who wrote or called to beg me to keep doing audio entries, what I can say to that right now is.. I'll see.  All I can do is one step at a time, one day at a time, one life event at a time.  I understand to some degree (because you have pointed this out) that these entries are far more intimate and 'real' when you HEAR them.  Okay.  I can't promise audio entries 100% of the time, but I will promise to do what I can as time and energy allows.  Deal? ;)

Even so, tonight took an abrupt change when I had to remind T that I have to make a deposit in my account.  Long story short, I was met with a response filled with complaining, whining, insinuations, and more.  Well, good grief... sorry that I'm too sick to work right now, and sorry that the cards that have balances on them have those balances because of purchases made for THIS HOUSE.  Oh my God, but I'm really so tired of the dialogue.

I pray every night for healing, for energy, for an abundance of good health, and the ability to take my life into my own hands again, to remove the power he has over my life.  Oh, but how things will be different when I'm back on my feet again.  He's gotten far too comfortable with the control thing.

He does this nearly every night, making sure that I'm stressed, anxious, wide awake and unable to sleep.  And this is usually a given on the nights before we have to wake up at O'dark thirty the next morning.  I've a long ride tomorrow, 6 hours round trip and am loathing the idea, even knowing it's something I have to do.  I'll be in pain, and I'll be miserable.  My body isn't up to that trip but there isn't a thing I can do about it.  And now.... I get the added benefit of being ridiculously tired because T decided that unloading a plethora of negative statements and whining was a goal tonight.

As an aside, I got the new bed today.  I'm not sure it's going to be comfortable, though the manufacturer said it was the same firmness/softness as the bed that's already here in the master bedroom.  Chronic pain means even the most comfortable of beds feel like a torture device when it touches your muscles, joints, skin.  I may be a while on that recliner if this is the case, but I am incredibly grateful for that recliner, I admit.

Just checked the upload to youtube for that audio file and it's very, VERY slooooooooooow.  Just a shame it had to be tonight that I figured out an alternative way to getting those files uploaded, ad iMovie has decided to be a total butt and give errors uploading the usual way.

Well, I'm amazed at how much I can type now.  The shoulder still has crappy range of motion, but at least this part isn't as painful as it was.  And no worries, those of you who prefer the audio entries... I will still make those for the most part.

Now, while I'm able, I think I will attempt to do entries for my other blogs... specific to those blogs.  We will see, right?

Okay, so I'm outta here for the night.  Sleep tight... sweet dreams....