A young eagle sets out on his life's journey....

When I first heard there was an eaglet hatching on a live cam.... I was more than a little intrigued.  In fact, I wondered how this could be.  NOW I wonder how I didn't know that wildlife 'live cams' where an actual thing.  I also didn't know how hooked I was going to get.  From the moment E9 hatched... I couldn't stop watching.  I was never far from my phone, iPad, or laptop.... and, if nothing else, would hear if something were going on.  The sound of the wind across the cam mic became eased me to sleep most nights.

The below is what I posted at our SWFEC forums today.

As I write this, it is 10:50am nest time. Do you hear that wind blowing across the cam mic?  It's a melancholy sound today.  I can't tell you how many times I've fallen asleep at night hearing that, seeing E9 as a tiny dust bunny that we saw only brief glimpses of at first, to seeing him sleep on a branch with or without mom and dad in the nest tree.  I'm so used to this sound that it's kind of become a normal sound in my own home and something that has made me fall asleep easily at night... a blessing for someone with insomnia the majority of the time.

But that sound makes me feel a little sad today.  Maybe E9 is just a short distance away exploring and trying to hunt, visiting other areas. Maybe he's set out on his life's journey and on his way to being exactly what he was meant to be. I suppose there's always a chance that we'll hear him fly in, squeeing loudly. But there's a chance we may not. I do imagine him, in those last moments before instinct urges him to go, spying something that calls him in the far distance and heading out, squeeing.....

That sound, the wind, it preceded his hatch... and it will be one of the last things we hear before the cams are shut down until next season.  Even with the sound of the wind the nest tree and area are infinitely more quiet in E9's wake.... and that quiet.... I can hear that too.

Hell, by any other definition...

This particular blog was supposed to be about dreams, wishes, passions, hope, future, life.  What the hell happened?  HELL happened, that's what happened.  Either way, I'm back on blogging again and likely going to open the flood gates over the next few days, etc.  Things have gotten sad and complicated.  But let me be very clear about that.... MY life has gotten sad and complicated.  For T, he sleeps like a baby and doesn't really give a crap about anything outside about 2 inches from his own skin.  I've been fighting tooth and nail to survive, to not completely give up.  SO hard at this point not to say screw it all.

Do I sound angry?  In a way I am.  But more than anything I'm hellaciously disappointed.  I'm disappointed in life (for the most part), my circumstances, disappointed in T, and terribly disappointed in myself in not recognizing the danger in my giving my heart to someone who would not just break it... but wreck it.  My fault.  I should've known better, especially when I saw the signs and convinced myself I was seeing and experiencing "Something else."  At least that's ONE thing I'm good at.

To me, I lost some of the best years of my life, wasted them away on men who were too lost in themselves to ever return actual love.  Those are years I will never get back, and I can't just 'make up' for the loss of them either.  I don't think anyone can do that, really.  6 years of abject hell.  Nice.

I miss my old life, my apartment, my pets.  Certainly there were things about my life I didn't like, but overall... on my own without anyone to inject their poison into me... I thrived.  Wish I would've recognized that then, because I may not be in the hell I'm in now.  And yes yes yes.. there are different kinds of hell.  I know this.  But this is hell nonetheless.

My absence from my blogs is due to the above, the lackluster in my life, the shiny parts of who I am dulled by careless digging and gouging from relationships past.  I feel like a dull, gray, lifeless thing left to do time on planet earth.  I never promised what I was going to say here would be pretty, but I sure hoped what I did say would speak more about the good things.  Screw it.

I'm avoiding specifics tonight.  Why?  Well, for the most part there's too damn many specifics to get into, and if I chose to get into the specifics.. it would go on forever.  Those darn flood gates, right?

I wish I could just let it all out, but what I always end up doing in the end is skirting around the details and spilling emotion to ease things.

Well, I guess I'll try again tomorrow.  You know, with the details.  We'll see.  I'm shooting for it anyway.

HAGN world.  Or a good day depending on where you are.

E9 and The Rain

Just popping in for a moment to say hello and that my computer will be going in to the shop today for possible repairs.  I'll be back to catch up once the issue's been addressed.  Till then, here's a photo compilation of one of the coolest events I've seen on SWFLEC.  Drought has been the name of the game in SW Florida, and when rain did come the other day, though brief, there was one bald eagle fledgling that took pure joy from that much-needed weather event.  :)

I may post the video captured by someone though not sure because I would've rather had the actual sound where he's flapping his wings, hovering, squeeing... and jumping from branch to branch in the nest tree.

Anyway, here ya go.  Enjoy.

My Tribute to E9

Note:  Blogger tends to cut off part of the video for some reason, so you may want to choose to watch on the YouTube channel instead.

American Bald Eagle E9 hatched Dec 31, 2016, fledged March 14, 2017, and stole my heart the day he hatched. He looked like a dust bunny with big feet, and who couldn't fall in love with that? Today is March 29, 2017 and E9 has not left the nest area and could be around a couple more weeks or so. Or, he could leave tomorrow. He lives on eagle time, so it really comes down to when he's ready. As for me being ready, well... that's a whole other story altogether.

This video is deeply personal one for me, so I'll spare everyone the details. But I will say that, yes, the quiet in that last minute and few seconds is intentional.

A huge thanks to the Pritchett family, moderators and ground support who made this amazing experience positively unforgettable, providing chat to answer a plethora of questions from watchers, educating us and making it so much fun to learn, and smoothing our ruffled feathers when we got worried... which we did a LOT. God willing, I will be watching again. Harriet, M15 and E9 have a permanent place in my heart.

Video and all SCAPs are ©Ella Wigginton.

Delerium and Mimi Page - Angels

What happens when your GiveAShitter breaks.

I'm going to put some pretty flowers here to spruce up the dungheap known as my life.  It's okay, I promise it's not the kind of dungheap that smells bad (so you're safe there), but it is the kind of dungheap that makes the stinky one.... far far more appealing.  Trust me on this.

The waiting is ridiculously long, tedious, and stressful.  Waiting for your life to begin, or worse, waiting for people to get out of you way so you can LIVE your life is one of the longest waits ever.  It's definitely not something I enjoy and IS definitely something I try to avoid when possible.  I just don't get why people refuse to make their own lives their business and stay out of mine.  Honestly, I'm only speaking about one person right now, and the one person who has the most freaking control over my life at that.  There has to be a way to break through this.  There HAS to be.

I'm not happy.  Doesn't require a degree in rocket science to see this either.  As my health declined, as sleep became an unpleasant endeavor, as everything about my physical health hit bottom... so did my emotional health.  Who the hell can be happy in the midst of turmoil brought in, created and cultivated by ONE individual?  I have no control over what others do, and I don't have the time or the energy to deal with their control issues.  T has some serious control issues and it clashes heavily with my need for a vital, vibrant LIFE.  I'm fighting for what is good and healthy for me, while he fights directly against it.

The worst of the health issues I'm dealing with now is going to take about a YEAR to fix.  A YEAR.  Think about that for a moment.  I have to hold on, maintain until that year (which comes with stress as I've been warned) is complete and I'm on the other side of this problem.  Most people who have to deal with something, health wise, that takes so long to recover from or get to or complete treatment, etc.... have a support network helping them along the way.  Not me.  I'm stuck with someone who vacillates between abject indifference.... or complete and total opposition.  I'm doing this for my health, my life, my well-being, so why the hell would T do that?  I've no idea... but I did find out a few years back that I'm not the asshole whisperer.

So sick of fighting daily for my health, well-being....

When I can't find my voice...

Many times I go silent when I 'believe' I've nothing to say.  It used to be I had other outlets for expression when I would fall into this uncharacteristic silence and would take full advantage of them.  Photography, OOAK doll art, web site, and so on.  But these days, in the midst of my current 'energy crisis,' those other outlets are out of reach.

In some ways, I don't mind the quiet days.  Mostly it's the nature of not being able to express myself that bothers me.  Yet, it's not like I have a lot of power over this.  I know I'm not as 'shut down' as I feel, and I realize wholly that inside... there's a great deal going on.

Maybe I just need another cup of coffee.

NOTE:  The above was written a few months ago, and in many ways I miss that 'me' that I was even then.  I'm tired beyond belief of people stepping into my life and thinking they can pull strings and I'll dance.  I'm nobody's puppet.