E9 and The Rain

Just popping in for a moment to say hello and that my computer will be going in to the shop today for possible repairs.  I'll be back to catch up once the issue's been addressed.  Till then, here's a photo compilation of one of the coolest events I've seen on SWFLEC.  Drought has been the name of the game in SW Florida, and when rain did come the other day, though brief, there was one bald eagle fledgling that took pure joy from that much-needed weather event.  :)

I may post the video captured by someone though not sure because I would've rather had the actual sound where he's flapping his wings, hovering, squeeing... and jumping from branch to branch in the nest tree.

Anyway, here ya go.  Enjoy.

My Tribute to E9

Note:  Blogger tends to cut off part of the video for some reason, so you may want to choose to watch on the YouTube channel instead.

American Bald Eagle E9 hatched Dec 31, 2016, fledged March 14, 2017, and stole my heart the day he hatched. He looked like a dust bunny with big feet, and who couldn't fall in love with that? Today is March 29, 2017 and E9 has not left the nest area and could be around a couple more weeks or so. Or, he could leave tomorrow. He lives on eagle time, so it really comes down to when he's ready. As for me being ready, well... that's a whole other story altogether.

This video is deeply personal one for me, so I'll spare everyone the details. But I will say that, yes, the quiet in that last minute and few seconds is intentional.

A huge thanks to the Pritchett family, moderators and ground support who made this amazing experience positively unforgettable, providing chat to answer a plethora of questions from watchers, educating us and making it so much fun to learn, and smoothing our ruffled feathers when we got worried... which we did a LOT. God willing, I will be watching again. Harriet, M15 and E9 have a permanent place in my heart.

Video and all SCAPs are ©Ella Wigginton.

Delerium and Mimi Page - Angels

What happens when your GiveAShitter breaks.

I'm going to put some pretty flowers here to spruce up the dungheap known as my life.  It's okay, I promise it's not the kind of dungheap that smells bad (so you're safe there), but it is the kind of dungheap that makes the stinky one.... far far more appealing.  Trust me on this.

The waiting is ridiculously long, tedious, and stressful.  Waiting for your life to begin, or worse, waiting for people to get out of you way so you can LIVE your life is one of the longest waits ever.  It's definitely not something I enjoy and IS definitely something I try to avoid when possible.  I just don't get why people refuse to make their own lives their business and stay out of mine.  Honestly, I'm only speaking about one person right now, and the one person who has the most freaking control over my life at that.  There has to be a way to break through this.  There HAS to be.

I'm not happy.  Doesn't require a degree in rocket science to see this either.  As my health declined, as sleep became an unpleasant endeavor, as everything about my physical health hit bottom... so did my emotional health.  Who the hell can be happy in the midst of turmoil brought in, created and cultivated by ONE individual?  I have no control over what others do, and I don't have the time or the energy to deal with their control issues.  T has some serious control issues and it clashes heavily with my need for a vital, vibrant LIFE.  I'm fighting for what is good and healthy for me, while he fights directly against it.

The worst of the health issues I'm dealing with now is going to take about a YEAR to fix.  A YEAR.  Think about that for a moment.  I have to hold on, maintain until that year (which comes with stress as I've been warned) is complete and I'm on the other side of this problem.  Most people who have to deal with something, health wise, that takes so long to recover from or get to or complete treatment, etc.... have a support network helping them along the way.  Not me.  I'm stuck with someone who vacillates between abject indifference.... or complete and total opposition.  I'm doing this for my health, my life, my well-being, so why the hell would T do that?  I've no idea... but I did find out a few years back that I'm not the asshole whisperer.

So sick of fighting daily for my health, well-being....

When I can't find my voice...

Many times I go silent when I 'believe' I've nothing to say.  It used to be I had other outlets for expression when I would fall into this uncharacteristic silence and would take full advantage of them.  Photography, OOAK doll art, web site, and so on.  But these days, in the midst of my current 'energy crisis,' those other outlets are out of reach.

In some ways, I don't mind the quiet days.  Mostly it's the nature of not being able to express myself that bothers me.  Yet, it's not like I have a lot of power over this.  I know I'm not as 'shut down' as I feel, and I realize wholly that inside... there's a great deal going on.

Maybe I just need another cup of coffee.

NOTE:  The above was written a few months ago, and in many ways I miss that 'me' that I was even then.  I'm tired beyond belief of people stepping into my life and thinking they can pull strings and I'll dance.  I'm nobody's puppet.

Soul Renewal.

Turning my focus in a new direction has made life a bit easier to bear.  I love animals, and my latest newfound love are Bald Eagles, and luckily for me I have the bald eagle live streams to turn to if I don't feel quite right, if I'm down or anxious, lonely, sad... doesn't matter.  Over the past year I've been awed and amazed by what I've witnessed, and I've been beyond amazed by the healing power of nature, once again.

Yesterday, March 6, 2017 at 6:29am EST E9, whom I've watched since he hatched, branched for the first time.  And, I was able to see it LIVE as it happened for the first time.  The photo above was from early this morning when he found his way to the veranda of the nest tree.

I haven't actually been 'lucky' as I keep one of my devices with the stream running at all times.. well, except when sleeping or driving.  But even if I'm not looking right at the screen I can hear if something is happening so miss very little.  I've seen and heard every milestone for this eaglet because I choose THIS, rather than staring at a television screen or spending a lot of time online doing mindless surfing.  And I've been amazed and awed by every moment.

He has a couple of weeks or so to go before he attempts fledging and will remain in the nest area for a few weeks afterwards to follow the adults and perfect his flying and learn to hunt.  It will be a sad day when he leaves the nest area for good, but there are other eagle cams with eaglets or eggs.  THIS particular nest with it's gorgeous couple Harriett and M15... has won my heart, and I will watch every season as long as they return to this nest.

For now I will just enjoy the laughs, the sometimes drama. the wonder and the life that is at this nest right now.

As an aside, E9 did something for the first time today and... I was watching and was able to catch a screen shot.  I had the stream running on both my computer and my iPhone, which there is always a delay from YouTube and the web site streaming from youtube... so I lucked out and had a chance to snag this.

What you're looking at is E9 mantling, which is using the wings and posture in a protective stance.  I've seen him do this when food is brought to the nest (and also when he THINKS food is brought), but this is a first for his mantling over the nest.  You can see him looking up at something, maybe one of the adults returning to the nest and he didn't see at first who it was so didn't recognize them, or maybe it was a visitor, aka an "Intruder" flying over the nest tree.  He's laying down, so when he realized something was overhead he rapidly stretched out his wings over the nest.  Mantling over food isn't done laying down but in a crouched position with wings arching over the food in order to keep anything else from getting it.

Never a dull moment in this nest, as is the case with most eagle nests.  There are a few out there, too, and I often use the Eagle Cam app since it has a list of several eagle cams, though not all of them.

So how is this 'soul renewal'?  Easy--anything that takes me away from the grind and humdrum of daily life stresses, etc... is a definite soul renewal.  It's relaxing, calming.. most of the time.  Unless there's a lot of flapping, hopping and squeeing going on.  Well, there are a lot of things that happen in and around the nest that can spike that adrenalin, but mostly... it's just uplifting to experience.

:)

In search of peace... still...

I've posted in my other blogs and feel almost spent at the moment, but I have a rant I've held back because I thought I could just pretend for a while and everything would right itself.  Pfffft!  Yeah, we all know how effective THAT approach is.  And really, way too much energy is expended when trying to force yourself to believe a lie.  There simply isn't enough energy for that.

This life is like watching out a window at the real world, a place you want to be very much but can't seem to find your way beyond the confines of your prison.  I've been on planet earth long enough to know what happens when someone could care less about most things in their life.  Over time the decay sets in and soon the disintegration begins.  I don't know about you, but I sure don't want to live in the garden of decay if I don't have to.

I'm not blind.  I see the world around me, the people, and I know what normalcy looks like even if it varies greatly from one person or situation to the next.  I see the 75 year old neighbor and his wife taking time from work to keep up their yard and imagine the inside of their home isn't a stinking disaster.  I watch those who work one job, and those who work 2 jobs... take care of their homes and yards.  T.... on the other hand needs much hand-holding and reminding, and also that proverbial fire lit under his ass to get even the most benign, simple, everyday tasks done.  You guys know this as I've spoken about it ad naseum in all of my blogs.  So this is nothing new.

So what IS new and why am I talking about it NOW?  For starters, nothing's been resolved, and I look ahead at my future and see having pretty much ALL of my time taken by doing my part here, as well as doing HIS part here.  I will have to take care of the house AND the yard.  I see almost all chores being left for me to deal with in order to avoid watching the decay in this situation to take over absolutely everything.  There won't be anything left for life.

I've had to ask myself how long I could maintain a life like that, with no help or assistance, with T not being a partner to any of it.  I don't have the answer to that but know I would leave if it got to be too much.  And T has been told this.  His constant mantra is he'll fix it and do better.  I've heard this for about 3 years now and have yet to see those words have any action to back them.

The weight is heavy at times, crushing at others, and there is a daily fight to reach for something uplifting to avoid caving and falling into the dark abyss that lays beneath giving up.

Looking for beauty in the world and in life is all I have left.  Nature, music, art....

Eventually peace will come.  Right?  Eventually I will thrive again.

For now.. I'm just tired and uncertain about anything.