Delerium and Mimi Page - Angels

What happens when your GiveAShitter breaks.

I'm going to put some pretty flowers here to spruce up the dungheap known as my life.  It's okay, I promise it's not the kind of dungheap that smells bad (so you're safe there), but it is the kind of dungheap that makes the stinky one.... far far more appealing.  Trust me on this.

The waiting is ridiculously long, tedious, and stressful.  Waiting for your life to begin, or worse, waiting for people to get out of you way so you can LIVE your life is one of the longest waits ever.  It's definitely not something I enjoy and IS definitely something I try to avoid when possible.  I just don't get why people refuse to make their own lives their business and stay out of mine.  Honestly, I'm only speaking about one person right now, and the one person who has the most freaking control over my life at that.  There has to be a way to break through this.  There HAS to be.

I'm not happy.  Doesn't require a degree in rocket science to see this either.  As my health declined, as sleep became an unpleasant endeavor, as everything about my physical health hit bottom... so did my emotional health.  Who the hell can be happy in the midst of turmoil brought in, created and cultivated by ONE individual?  I have no control over what others do, and I don't have the time or the energy to deal with their control issues.  T has some serious control issues and it clashes heavily with my need for a vital, vibrant LIFE.  I'm fighting for what is good and healthy for me, while he fights directly against it.

The worst of the health issues I'm dealing with now is going to take about a YEAR to fix.  A YEAR.  Think about that for a moment.  I have to hold on, maintain until that year (which comes with stress as I've been warned) is complete and I'm on the other side of this problem.  Most people who have to deal with something, health wise, that takes so long to recover from or get to or complete treatment, etc.... have a support network helping them along the way.  Not me.  I'm stuck with someone who vacillates between abject indifference.... or complete and total opposition.  I'm doing this for my health, my life, my well-being, so why the hell would T do that?  I've no idea... but I did find out a few years back that I'm not the asshole whisperer.

So sick of fighting daily for my health, well-being....

When I can't find my voice...

Many times I go silent when I 'believe' I've nothing to say.  It used to be I had other outlets for expression when I would fall into this uncharacteristic silence and would take full advantage of them.  Photography, OOAK doll art, web site, and so on.  But these days, in the midst of my current 'energy crisis,' those other outlets are out of reach.

In some ways, I don't mind the quiet days.  Mostly it's the nature of not being able to express myself that bothers me.  Yet, it's not like I have a lot of power over this.  I know I'm not as 'shut down' as I feel, and I realize wholly that inside... there's a great deal going on.

Maybe I just need another cup of coffee.

NOTE:  The above was written a few months ago, and in many ways I miss that 'me' that I was even then.  I'm tired beyond belief of people stepping into my life and thinking they can pull strings and I'll dance.  I'm nobody's puppet.

Soul Renewal.

Turning my focus in a new direction has made life a bit easier to bear.  I love animals, and my latest newfound love are Bald Eagles, and luckily for me I have the bald eagle live streams to turn to if I don't feel quite right, if I'm down or anxious, lonely, sad... doesn't matter.  Over the past year I've been awed and amazed by what I've witnessed, and I've been beyond amazed by the healing power of nature, once again.

Yesterday, March 6, 2017 at 6:29am EST E9, whom I've watched since he hatched, branched for the first time.  And, I was able to see it LIVE as it happened for the first time.  The photo above was from early this morning when he found his way to the veranda of the nest tree.

I haven't actually been 'lucky' as I keep one of my devices with the stream running at all times.. well, except when sleeping or driving.  But even if I'm not looking right at the screen I can hear if something is happening so miss very little.  I've seen and heard every milestone for this eaglet because I choose THIS, rather than staring at a television screen or spending a lot of time online doing mindless surfing.  And I've been amazed and awed by every moment.

He has a couple of weeks or so to go before he attempts fledging and will remain in the nest area for a few weeks afterwards to follow the adults and perfect his flying and learn to hunt.  It will be a sad day when he leaves the nest area for good, but there are other eagle cams with eaglets or eggs.  THIS particular nest with it's gorgeous couple Harriett and M15... has won my heart, and I will watch every season as long as they return to this nest.

For now I will just enjoy the laughs, the sometimes drama. the wonder and the life that is at this nest right now.

As an aside, E9 did something for the first time today and... I was watching and was able to catch a screen shot.  I had the stream running on both my computer and my iPhone, which there is always a delay from YouTube and the web site streaming from youtube... so I lucked out and had a chance to snag this.

What you're looking at is E9 mantling, which is using the wings and posture in a protective stance.  I've seen him do this when food is brought to the nest (and also when he THINKS food is brought), but this is a first for his mantling over the nest.  You can see him looking up at something, maybe one of the adults returning to the nest and he didn't see at first who it was so didn't recognize them, or maybe it was a visitor, aka an "Intruder" flying over the nest tree.  He's laying down, so when he realized something was overhead he rapidly stretched out his wings over the nest.  Mantling over food isn't done laying down but in a crouched position with wings arching over the food in order to keep anything else from getting it.

Never a dull moment in this nest, as is the case with most eagle nests.  There are a few out there, too, and I often use the Eagle Cam app since it has a list of several eagle cams, though not all of them.

So how is this 'soul renewal'?  Easy--anything that takes me away from the grind and humdrum of daily life stresses, etc... is a definite soul renewal.  It's relaxing, calming.. most of the time.  Unless there's a lot of flapping, hopping and squeeing going on.  Well, there are a lot of things that happen in and around the nest that can spike that adrenalin, but mostly... it's just uplifting to experience.

:)

In search of peace... still...

I've posted in my other blogs and feel almost spent at the moment, but I have a rant I've held back because I thought I could just pretend for a while and everything would right itself.  Pfffft!  Yeah, we all know how effective THAT approach is.  And really, way too much energy is expended when trying to force yourself to believe a lie.  There simply isn't enough energy for that.

This life is like watching out a window at the real world, a place you want to be very much but can't seem to find your way beyond the confines of your prison.  I've been on planet earth long enough to know what happens when someone could care less about most things in their life.  Over time the decay sets in and soon the disintegration begins.  I don't know about you, but I sure don't want to live in the garden of decay if I don't have to.

I'm not blind.  I see the world around me, the people, and I know what normalcy looks like even if it varies greatly from one person or situation to the next.  I see the 75 year old neighbor and his wife taking time from work to keep up their yard and imagine the inside of their home isn't a stinking disaster.  I watch those who work one job, and those who work 2 jobs... take care of their homes and yards.  T.... on the other hand needs much hand-holding and reminding, and also that proverbial fire lit under his ass to get even the most benign, simple, everyday tasks done.  You guys know this as I've spoken about it ad naseum in all of my blogs.  So this is nothing new.

So what IS new and why am I talking about it NOW?  For starters, nothing's been resolved, and I look ahead at my future and see having pretty much ALL of my time taken by doing my part here, as well as doing HIS part here.  I will have to take care of the house AND the yard.  I see almost all chores being left for me to deal with in order to avoid watching the decay in this situation to take over absolutely everything.  There won't be anything left for life.

I've had to ask myself how long I could maintain a life like that, with no help or assistance, with T not being a partner to any of it.  I don't have the answer to that but know I would leave if it got to be too much.  And T has been told this.  His constant mantra is he'll fix it and do better.  I've heard this for about 3 years now and have yet to see those words have any action to back them.

The weight is heavy at times, crushing at others, and there is a daily fight to reach for something uplifting to avoid caving and falling into the dark abyss that lays beneath giving up.

Looking for beauty in the world and in life is all I have left.  Nature, music, art....

Eventually peace will come.  Right?  Eventually I will thrive again.

For now.. I'm just tired and uncertain about anything.

Southwest Florida Eagle Cam

Beautiful world, relevant happiness...

It's no shocking revelation to anyone who knows me that I absolutely LOVE animals.  Not just 'pets' but all animals.  Recently I discovered SWFL Eagle Cam due to a comment in RSBN chat saying "The first eaglet is hatching!"  So... I immediately got the link and went to look... and it was absolutely love at first sight.  And... I've been watching since that day, December 31st 2016 and know for a fact that I will watch in the years to come.

E9 is the 9th eaglet hatched to "Harriet" and "M15."  There's a reason M15 and E9 aren't named and the short explanation is that they decided not to name the eagles in the cam nest anymore because when they lost E5 suddenly to an unknown illness... they decided to not name the eaglets, or any adult that happens onto the nest, because.... simply put... they're not pets.  M=Male, and 15=the year he came to the nest after Ozzie passed away from injuries.  E9 just means the ninth eaglet of Harriet's.

As I write this I stop to check on E9 as I'm hearing him squeeeeeeeeeeee... and knowing, after watching every single day... that he's doing something. ;)  I clicked on the tab I have open ALL DAY long until I go to bed (not kidding) to find him wingersizing and hopping.  He will begin to hover more and higher... and eventual branch, which is the step before fledge.  The process is very dramatic, exciting, and absolutely beautiful.

Honestly, I haven't missed much because I've kept the live feed on my phone, or computer, or iPad depending on what I'm doing and where I am.  If you miss even a day E9 looks very, very different.

Today E9 is 59 days old, is about 3 ft tall with a 6 ft wingspan.  That means if he were standing next to you at your dinner table he could pick scraps off your plate.  He's reached many milestones in development and growth and still has a ways to go.  His feathers are coming in nicely but are still "blood wings," which he will have until they reach terminal growth and the blood dries up.  He can't fledge, and knows it, until the feathers reach that terminal growth stage where the blood is no longer in the shaft.  The blood makes the wings heavier which helps remind him he's not quite ready yet.

Other milestones he's reached, and they're ALL important, have been learning to self feed (still working on that, though he has eaten whole fishes by himself), defending his food (pic below of him mantling and defending his food brought by M15 this morning), developing and strengthening muscles he will use to fly and catch prey (wingersizing, perching on sticks in the nest and also perching on the crib rails or nest rails).

Below is a pic of E9 mantling, vocalizing a warning, and taking the fish from the adult.  He will become more aggressive as the days pass.  The adults expect this aggression.  E9 will have to be very aggressive to survive as he will be competing for food once he's on his own.  This mantling in the photo below is quite impressive...

Why am I calling E9 "He"?  Only a DNA test can confirm if he's an actual HE or not, or if, as an adult we see E9 lay an egg.  Right now all we can do is guess at his sex, which I believe (and others as well) is a male because he's more the size of M15 than Harriet.  Female bald eagles are 25% to 30% larger than the males and as you can see.. E9 is about the size of M15.

For anyone interested there are bald eagle cams out there besides SWFL Eagle Cam and some are in northern areas where their nesting season is later than the south.  Decorah had two active nests, both with small eaglets or eggs.  E9 should be branching in a week or so and likely to fledge around day 85, which is an average.  Some have fledged on day 80 while one eaglet at the SWFL nest fledged on day 100.  I will likely watch other nests once E9 fledges, or I may wait until he leaves the area completely.. which is typically about 6-8 weeks after first fledge.

Here's the link to watch E9, and there are 3 camera views.  Cam 1 is over the nest, but I do split view with Cam 2 for now.  Once E9 fledges I'll likely go back and forth between Cam 1 and Cam 2 to see E9's activity nearby.

SWFL Eagle Cam

There is also a chat open a couple of times a day with moderators to answer questions you may have. They also have classroom sessions with teachers and students who ask great questions... a wonderful way to learn.  Also, the cameras are equipped for infrared so you can see them at night too.

Here's a screen shot I got a few minutes ago....

It's the best reality show around, I have to say.  Lots of laughs, suspense, amazement, drama when intruders show up at the nest....

I will post, separately, the link to the live cam.  Not sure it will stream live from here but you guys will have the link. :)

Till next time!