Haunted emails.

The damage done when you're in a relationship with a malignant narcissist is far-reaching and poisonous.  I was warned by the therapist who helped me understand what I was dealing with and how to heal made that point very clear.  While I was certain that it would happen in a reasonable time frame, I was wrong, and the damage is, as she said, far-reaching and poisonous beyond anything I could have ever imagined.  Still, I find ways to deal and thank God for the blessings I have.

When asked the other day if I would share the emails and screen shots of text messages from my experience I wasn't quite sure if it were the right thing to do.  My friend, going through something VERY similar to what I had didn't mince words nor beat around the bush with her request.  So, that day while she was home alone... I forwarded her the email conversation, and I mean every bit of it.  Oh she knew some of what was in there because we had many a conversation WHILE I was in, and coming out of that relationship.  But she hadn't seen everything blow-by-blow, and when she did... she called me, angry beyond words.

I wasn't at all surprised at her response and was expecting no less, to be honest.

While I hung on as long as I could the people around me, friends and co-workers, couldn't help but witness some of what I was going through.  I eventually stopped calling him on my breaks at work and avoiding questions when they arose.  But there were a couple of people who were positively furious that I remained in that relationship and allowed what went on and made excuses for the other person.  Others could see clearly what I couldn't.  That is the nature of the beast.

Then the phone call.

She was upset, angry, emotional.  Why?  Because I'm her friend and she gives a shit that it happened to me, but mostly because she recognized her own circumstances (which is why I allowed her to read it all).

I kept the emails because I didn't want to forget the experience and why it was critical for me to get out.  I was very slow to come to terms with what I needed to do, what was HEALTHY for me, but eventually I got there.  Re-reading the emails with her over the phone (man, did she have a LOT of questions) wasn't pleasant.  But... I didn't get upset, and I believe that's because I am able to view the conversation outside of emotion or attachment to that person.  I can now see the truth that everyone else around me could see early on.  My hopes are that my friend will find herself in a place where she too can see the truth of her situation and make an informed decision for the betterment of her life.

So freaking tired.

I want to be outside today, to feel the rare warmth that comes our way during the Winter.  I want to turn my face to the sun and feel its warmth, feel the breeze, smell the trees... the outdoors.  But I'm sick, this time due to a change in medicine for blood sugar.  I get the goal and understand my role in getting there.  I get pre diabetes is just another rung on the ladder to full blown type 2 and I have to get off this thing and free myself.  I get it.  I do.  Thing is, if a medication is obviously helping me reach that goal.. WHY replace it with something that may or may not work and not change it BACK to the one that DOES work... when you find out that the new one, well, does not work?

The side effects are awful, and they're not letting up.  In fact, the side effects of this new medication are getting worse.... and I hate hate hate it.  Sick, bloated, SO tired.... and no call back after a couple of days of asking to be put back on the previous medication.

This is crazy.

"The American Dreamer" by Jacob Seales of RSBN. (Trump Theme).

If you watched Trump rallies on RSBN, then you heard "American Dreamer," which was always played when Trump made his entrance. If you called the Trump headquarters to make a donation and was put on hold, you also heard it there. ;) This performance Jacob did for us after the electoral vote completion, and it was, and is.. a song of celebration. Our beloved Jacob is incredibly talented and, well, you have to hear this. You'll also see RSBN's footage of the rallies behind him... including pans of the crowd because, well, you know we were the only ones that would. God bless the Seales family and all they've done and continue to do. Take it away Jacob.....

Seriously?

Discussing depression is depressing.  Still, it has to be addressed, faced head on, and conquered eventually.  I'm so freaking depressed that looking up ways to help yourself with depression is, well, also depressing, leaving me to give up quickly due to lack of interest.

Seriously?

I think this is the first time I've ever been completely frustrated with my state of mind.  Under normal circumstances I can look whatever I'm dealing with in the eyes and stare it down into submission.  This time, not so much.  Maybe I've just let it go for too long.

I'm completely at a loss as to how to deal with this now.

Dammit.

Funny how that works.

Weirdness with one of my Twitter accounts, and I've made another backup.  Just in case.  Overall, it's been a weird weekend, a weird Christmas, and... I guess that's just life.  I spent most of my free time on my Twitter alter accounts and just perused the weirdness outside my own life.  Did it help?  Not sure.  But it is fun.

Going off the diet taught me that a) I shouldn't have, and b) I should try low carb again.  Both are true, I promise.  So I'm heading back to the Atkins program (likely tomorrow) and seeing how it goes this time around.  I'm still in awful pain from "eating normally" since Christmas Eve and over the weekend.  BAD move on my part, and I suspect the culprits are sugar and too much wheat.  Honestly, it could be a combination of a lot of things, but it's awful and painful.

Still trying to survive the onslaught.

Oh well.

Such is life on planet earth.  tomorrow is another day.

Better late than never. Right? Right.

So, this one should've been posted a few days back or so.  Chaos... what can I say?

OMG WTF?

I don't like my dreams.  Sleeping has become a royal pain that I no longer look forward to or enjoy.  Stress, anxiety, worry, all of that seems into the very core of my being these days and blocks and distracts from anything even remotely normal.  Sleep deprivation isn't something I recommend.  Strange this is, even when I sleep... there's no respite from the bullshit.

Curiosity of the life 'outside' remains and ever-constant whisper to my soul.  I'm like the clear, still figure in a motion-blurred photograph.  Life happens around me, yet I'm really not much of a part of it these days.  Reaching for better, for more, for vibrance, for LIFE leaves much to be desired.  I SEE life happening but can't find my way to step out into the momentum and engage.  It's a damn mystery, I tell ya.  My only solace as I look for my way through this maze of confusing nothingness is the occasional spark of my sense of humor.