A very busy last few days...

A few twists, turns, developments and joyful events over the past few days, and in the great scheme of things I feel much clearer on where I'm heading goal-wise now.  Not to spend too much time explaining everything, because I'm not sure I could at this point, let's just say that despite not feeling well life is moving at a forward pace and with a lot less bumps right now.  I'll consider this a very good thing.

One of the funnest and most exciting events over the weekend was picking up Sigmund C. Monster at the dealership.  Love at first site... is the only way to explain. :D  It's a bittersweet event, getting this car, because I'm going to miss driving a manual, but at least Sigmund has paddle shifters to make that a little easier to accept.  But seriously, all jokes aside, this is one majorly beautiful car, AND it's a cabrio... which means I can put the top down on the warm days, or even choose the 'sun roof' option which brings the top back in the front a little ways.  I'm really looking forward to that.  And to be honest, those of you who know me know I hate hats etc, so when I say I'm going to wear a scarf.... yep, that's a bit of a surprise.  Wearing a scarf is a lot better than having my hair/bangs smacking me in the eyes the whole time. lol  I can deal.

So it was a ton of fun picking up my new MINI S... and my motoring advisor gave me a bag of goodies, which was unexpected.  And... another lovely surprise is that the welcome light on the driver's side... is a MINI logo!  I was so surprised and happy about that welcome light that I forgot to take a pic. haha  I'll get a pic of that one night, though.

While it was FREEZING cold (something I'm not particularly fond of AT ALL) we pulled out of the dealership lot about sunset and drove home in the dark.  Now leaving, I have to admit, it took a minute to stop pushing my left foot to the floor and looking for the clutch. ;p  Only happened twice, and I'm pretty much over that now.  I'm looking SO forward to taking a fun drive with the top down.  See?  Lots of lovely things to look forward to.

As far as other live events, I'm going to save that for another post, and hopefully I will be doing that after visiting my other blogs and making a few relevant entries there.

....My indépendance is tugging at my sleeve....

The sun, moon, stars...

I've learned over my lifetime that there are some seriously touchy people in the world, and I'm not one of them.  Not saying there aren't things that upset me---because there certainly are.  But touchy, nah.  I don't have time for that kind of nonsense.  Be real, be frank (no, not THAT kind of Frank), be nice but also be honest.  If you're not going be honest---just don't bother.

But seriously...

My friend and I had a long discussion over the phone (and likely way too much coffee, to be honest) about those emails.  Once I had the discussion, told the story, answered questions... well, she decided she wanted to know more.  I don't mind the discussion, talking about it, but.... I do need to take a break from that after telling the whole tale.  It's exhausting.

But I indulged her because I knew her curiosity wasn't so much about me as much as it was about her.  And I know exactly where she's coming from, I do.  I wish I'd had someone to talk to during that time as well.  No one really knows or understands what it's like... until you've experienced it yourself.  I had books, videos, articles from my therapist who was helping me at the time... but not another person who'd actually gone through what I did.

The softer side of the experience is one I haven't told either.  Well, haven't told lately anyway.  Early early on I did, spilled my heart onto my blog.  But I was always being made to feel pretty stupid for sharing how I felt, always being questioned and ridiculed, arguments ensuing over what I shared, no matter if it were from my heart.  So I began to delete the blog entries.  One by one.

Over time I would create an entry about the soft, mushy, romantic stuff.... then a couple days later delete it.  When you reach out and get your hand slapped, eventually you'll stop reaching.  And that's pretty much what happened to me (Julia... are you listening still?).

That softer side of the situation faded quickly, buried beneath the onslaught that was a mountainous and seemingly never-ending list of 'faults' and 'complaints' about me that were, at the very least, incredibly overwhelming, crushing, and.... it changed not only how I saw myself in that situation but how I saw the situation as a whole.  Notice, I don't usually refer to it as a "relationship," and that is for a reason.

Over time anything I thought was a relationship died a slow, painful death, and mostly by starvation.  Relationships have to be nurtured, cared for, attended to, protected... and they live and thrive on love and honoring the other person, respect, compassion, empathy... and that situation I was in.. starved to death.

She asked me, "When does it get better?"  "It" meaning once you leave when does it stop hurting.  The truthful answer is... No one knows.  Most will say that it never really stops hurting, that it's impossible to get past something without having closure, saying a real goodbye.  If you don't have anyone to say goodbye to... how do you actually, fully, completely let go of the pain, confusion, and all the other *lovely* things?  Rhetorical question, of course.

Short answer is---don't expect it to ever go away fully.  And it all does rather come down to how much damage was done.

It's okay to find yourself in a world of weirdness, and it's okay to speak your mind, to tell the truth, and to allow yourself to feel whatever it is you feel about any situation you're in.  It's not up to anyone else to tell you what to think or how to feel, anyway.  After all (Julia), you're having to go this alone.  Even with a lot of people around you... it's still something you'll have to go through alone.  Few will get what you're experiencing, likely none (who haven't experienced it themselves) will even understand at all what it's like at all.

You can find yourself in a crowded room with people silent and listening intently... but you may, or may not find any solace in that.  Don't expect too much, and never ever expect the person in question to understand at all.  And I mean.. not ever.

Some days will just be bad.  And you'll remember things you would rather forget, both good and bad things.  Some days the sun will shine, the moon will glow, the stars will twinkle... and the clouds will float softly across a beautiful sky.  Other days, on those bad days... it will be more like living in a concrete cell.  Days in the sun---enjoy them.  Days in your prison---endure them.  It's just the nature of the beast.

One question I couldn't answer if I tried for her is: "Will I ever want to be friends with him again?"  There's no way I can answer that one, because it's not up to us.  If that person treated you badly and felt pretty good about it.... they'd only find opportunities to make you feel like shit again, drag you down, criticize and condemn.

Ask yourself this: Would that person be able to stand before you, looking you in the eyes, while you tell them how they made you feel, what they did, and what it did to you as a person?  Would they feel badly for what they did and apologize?  Or, would they become angry, lash out, etc?  The answer to most of that question is really in that.

More on this in PART 2.... hopefully I can post that tomorrow.

Nite!

Haunted emails.

The damage done when you're in a relationship with a malignant narcissist is far-reaching and poisonous.  I was warned by the therapist who helped me understand what I was dealing with and how to heal made that point very clear.  While I was certain that it would happen in a reasonable time frame, I was wrong, and the damage is, as she said, far-reaching and poisonous beyond anything I could have ever imagined.  Still, I find ways to deal and thank God for the blessings I have.

When asked the other day if I would share the emails and screen shots of text messages from my experience I wasn't quite sure if it were the right thing to do.  My friend, going through something VERY similar to what I had didn't mince words nor beat around the bush with her request.  So, that day while she was home alone... I forwarded her the email conversation, and I mean every bit of it.  Oh she knew some of what was in there because we had many a conversation WHILE I was in, and coming out of that relationship.  But she hadn't seen everything blow-by-blow, and when she did... she called me, angry beyond words.

I wasn't at all surprised at her response and was expecting no less, to be honest.

While I hung on as long as I could the people around me, friends and co-workers, couldn't help but witness some of what I was going through.  I eventually stopped calling him on my breaks at work and avoiding questions when they arose.  But there were a couple of people who were positively furious that I remained in that relationship and allowed what went on and made excuses for the other person.  Others could see clearly what I couldn't.  That is the nature of the beast.

Then the phone call.

She was upset, angry, emotional.  Why?  Because I'm her friend and she gives a shit that it happened to me, but mostly because she recognized her own circumstances (which is why I allowed her to read it all).

I kept the emails because I didn't want to forget the experience and why it was critical for me to get out.  I was very slow to come to terms with what I needed to do, what was HEALTHY for me, but eventually I got there.  Re-reading the emails with her over the phone (man, did she have a LOT of questions) wasn't pleasant.  But... I didn't get upset, and I believe that's because I am able to view the conversation outside of emotion or attachment to that person.  I can now see the truth that everyone else around me could see early on.  My hopes are that my friend will find herself in a place where she too can see the truth of her situation and make an informed decision for the betterment of her life.

So freaking tired.

I want to be outside today, to feel the rare warmth that comes our way during the Winter.  I want to turn my face to the sun and feel its warmth, feel the breeze, smell the trees... the outdoors.  But I'm sick, this time due to a change in medicine for blood sugar.  I get the goal and understand my role in getting there.  I get pre diabetes is just another rung on the ladder to full blown type 2 and I have to get off this thing and free myself.  I get it.  I do.  Thing is, if a medication is obviously helping me reach that goal.. WHY replace it with something that may or may not work and not change it BACK to the one that DOES work... when you find out that the new one, well, does not work?

The side effects are awful, and they're not letting up.  In fact, the side effects of this new medication are getting worse.... and I hate hate hate it.  Sick, bloated, SO tired.... and no call back after a couple of days of asking to be put back on the previous medication.

This is crazy.

"The American Dreamer" by Jacob Seales of RSBN. (Trump Theme).

If you watched Trump rallies on RSBN, then you heard "American Dreamer," which was always played when Trump made his entrance. If you called the Trump headquarters to make a donation and was put on hold, you also heard it there. ;) This performance Jacob did for us after the electoral vote completion, and it was, and is.. a song of celebration. Our beloved Jacob is incredibly talented and, well, you have to hear this. You'll also see RSBN's footage of the rallies behind him... including pans of the crowd because, well, you know we were the only ones that would. God bless the Seales family and all they've done and continue to do. Take it away Jacob.....

Seriously?

Discussing depression is depressing.  Still, it has to be addressed, faced head on, and conquered eventually.  I'm so freaking depressed that looking up ways to help yourself with depression is, well, also depressing, leaving me to give up quickly due to lack of interest.

Seriously?

I think this is the first time I've ever been completely frustrated with my state of mind.  Under normal circumstances I can look whatever I'm dealing with in the eyes and stare it down into submission.  This time, not so much.  Maybe I've just let it go for too long.

I'm completely at a loss as to how to deal with this now.

Dammit.

Funny how that works.

Weirdness with one of my Twitter accounts, and I've made another backup.  Just in case.  Overall, it's been a weird weekend, a weird Christmas, and... I guess that's just life.  I spent most of my free time on my Twitter alter accounts and just perused the weirdness outside my own life.  Did it help?  Not sure.  But it is fun.

Going off the diet taught me that a) I shouldn't have, and b) I should try low carb again.  Both are true, I promise.  So I'm heading back to the Atkins program (likely tomorrow) and seeing how it goes this time around.  I'm still in awful pain from "eating normally" since Christmas Eve and over the weekend.  BAD move on my part, and I suspect the culprits are sugar and too much wheat.  Honestly, it could be a combination of a lot of things, but it's awful and painful.

Still trying to survive the onslaught.

Oh well.

Such is life on planet earth.  tomorrow is another day.